All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category

ICE PARK SUBSIDIES DEMAND SPECIAL SESSION

(Ouray) The over $1.6 million in federal subsidies slated to be paid to the Ouray Ice Park for not growing ice in 2018 was the subject of a special session of city and county administrators last night.

Although the money has already been spent, civic leaders here are becoming increasingly anxious over the windfall which they say threatens the cosmic balance of the annual budget in the coming years.

“People around here are going to become more and more dependent on these funds from Washington,” said one county commissioner. “What happens if global warming reaches its apex or the government goes under? The where would we be then? Sure, all of us like to see this kind of money roll in for doing nothing but the amount here is a bit excessive, especially considering all those lucrative tax breaks and the low price of fuel.

Ice farmers, frustrated by attempts at the federal level to control the price of frozen commodities, say they would prefer a more relaxed version of supply and demand, with the federal gov’ment the odd man out.

“Nobody likes to go to work and do nothing all day,” said Sergio Jingles, veteran ice maker and high altitude  renaissance plumber. “It’s not like the job is rocket surgery or anything but we have our pride. This year we’re forced to sit back and watch as these funds are distributed throughout the community but what happens when the intricacies of ice farming are forgotten. Who’s going to teach the ice farmers of the future if the experts in the field are engaged in a serious meltdown day after day?”

Supporters of the subsidy say there is plenty of ice at the park now and that making excess ice just drives down the price on the exchanges. In addition they support a more conservative approach to water use and the rerouting of existing water supplies. At present ice is being grown only on one wall of Martin Luther King Canyon in keeping with agreements with the feral gov’ment.

“It’s difficult enough to get Colona Board of Trade investors to look at ice futures in July or August without word getting out that we have flooded the markets,” said Jingles. “We understand the ins and outs of production up here and we’re not blind to the manipulation going on all around us. Look at all the unemployed ice makers and zamboni drivers in the NHL this year and they thought their jobs were secure! I for one do not want to go back to wearing a suit and tie to work.”

Ice farming, with its often clannish yet intensely proud heritage going back to the Woolly Mammoths, is not a particularly expensive process compared to related technologies. Although countless recipes for perfect ice exist, only a scant few have survived the tests of time. In primary production the engineer needs only the water, directional blueprints and the right temperature.

“Sometimes on a good day we can set up the process at night and in the morning we will have ice,” explained Jingles. “Other times our efforts fall short wherein all the variables are not on our side or too much of one element or the other go berserk and destroy the formula. Then we have to start all over and hope for the best.”

Most welfare ice farmers say the public remains uninterested in their skill and often takes ice for granted. They say the average man sees ice only in terms of black and white while he sees snow, sunsets, storms and other natural phenomenon in a variety of shades. Most see the payment of exorbitant subsides as a threat to their future since the labor quotient takes the back seat to price control and the entire system operates well below the chasm of accepted diminished returns.

“On the micro-economic front we can all understand the benefits of squeezing more water out of the existing product,” said an interested bystander, “but on a more practical front it really doesn’t make sense to pay millions to protect the real worth of something doomed to melt someday soon.”

Toward the end of the meeting a citizen’s action group demanded to be heard calling for funds to be spent on the construction of a cafe and five-story parking garage on-site at the ice park. Despite the radical look and trance like demeanor of the group its’ ideas were shouted down and its’ leaders hauled away in chains.

The last minute meeting was organized so as to avoid the embarrassment of three winters ago when ice farmers poured a mixture of water and ice all over Highway 550 to protest low prices and higher operating costs associated with their industry. Although a highway marker was erected on the spot by union leaders the actual moisture is said to have evaporated when the sun came out.

Meanwhile ice farmers in Cody, Wyoming have filed a class action suit on behalf of western state ice farmers who are currently receiving no subsidies. Saying that the Ouray farmers have been given unfair advantage in the production of ice they have threatened to pull out of the most major ice making operations nationwide if their needs remain undressed.   

– Mercy Plaine

Person of the Decade: Jose Alberto Mujica Cordano

President of Uruguay 2011 to 2015, Pepe Mujica, a former guerilla with the Tupamaros, was imprisoned for 13 years during the brutal military dictatorship in the 70s and 80s. He has been described as the “world’s humblest president” due to his austere lifestyle and his donation of around 90% of his $12,000 monthly salary to charities that benefit poor people and small entrepreneurs. He still drives his old VW bug. Of Spanish Basque ancestry, Mujica, with fellow Social Democrat Tabare Vasquez (not pictured here), have steered the country in a progressive direction substantially reducing poverty while raising the standard of living to the highest on the continent. Under his direction all drugs were recently legalized with addiction treated as a disease rather than a crime. A leader who puts the needs of his people first, he is everything our greedy, narcissistic leaders are not. Presidente de Uruguay 2011 a 2015, Pepe Mujica, ex guerrillero de los Tupamaros, fue encarcelado durante 13 años durante la brutal dictadura militar en los años 70 y 80. Ha sido descrito como el “presidente más humilde del mundo” debido a su estilo de vida austero y su donación de alrededor del 90% de su salario mensual de $ 12,000 a organizaciones benéficas que benefician a personas pobres y pequeños empresarios. Todavía maneja su viejo error VW. De ascendencia vasca española, Mujica, junto con su colega socialdemócrata Tabaré Vásquez (no fotografiado aquí), han dirigido al país en una dirección progresiva reduciendo sustancialmente la pobreza y elevando al mismo tiempo el nivel de vida al más alto del continente. Bajo su dirección, todas las drogas fueron legalizadas recientemente y la adicción fue tratada como una enfermedad más que como un crimen. Un líder que prioriza las necesidades de su gente, es todo lo que nuestros codiciosos y narcisistas líderes no son.

Featured Buried News:

The U.S. House of Reprehensibles is reputedly perched to repeal the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights according to persons familiar with these documents.

The move is reportedly planned for Super Bowl Sunday when most of the nation will be distracted by manufactured violence, released in small segments, hinged to mindless pop culture mega-events.

The US Constitution appears to be in Cross Hairs too despite phony embraces and claims to the contrary.

 “It’s no big loss,” said one Republican. “Nobody reads past the first few lines anyway.”

It was not known if this effort was linked in any way to the alleged plans by the Trump people to radically change the New Testament so as to more stringently reflect and enforce the views of the Deep Shit State.

‘The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those that speak it.’

– George Orwell

Liberals Plan Coupe te Grasso

A devious plot to steal Christmas has been thwarted according to Homeland Security personnel who say they have 30 known liberals in custody this morning. The seizure was slated for Christmas Day when all the righteous folk are opening presents. “We choked this one off right at the larnyx,” said one immigration official: Liberals, like those featured above, have allegedly been planning a fashionable Coupes te Monserrat since last year. The insidious scam was to abduct Christmas and replace it with a pagan, secular, communist Winter Solstice. Insiders say the great unwashed would never have embraced the modification that sought to replace plastic Christmas lights with stars and constellations. Business and civic leaders supported what they call arbitrary despotism since the ancient observation of the solstice has no ledger sheet.

ELVES CONTINUE TO HOLD SENIOR CENTER

(Montrose) Gangs of menacing elves continue to prowl the halls of Shady Acres Recreational Care Center Friday with no clear motive inherent. The shoddily dressed, now recently dismissed throng arrived on the grounds on Monday, frightening residents and daring police to take action.

“They aren’t driving drunk or skateboarding so there’s nothing we can do,” said one officer still investigating a robbery at the local Safeway back in 1979.

At present there are over 400 local police patrol cars surrounding Shady Acres poised for an assault. Despite demands that the elves vacate the premises a classic quagmire has emerged. Inside the hell hole that was once a peaceful redoubt for seniors, elves conduct brutal games or ping pong and billiards often holding tables for more than the allotted times.

“The savages won’t eat our food, oh no,” said Warner Brick, a retired dog catcher from Ridgway. “They have to dial out and order burgers, tacos and roast beef sandwiches made from synthetics. They love fast food. They crave it. Then they throw all their wrappers all over the sun room.”

All utilities have been disconnected and afternoon snacks have been rationed in an attempt to force the elves to the negotiating table. Local negotiators expressed hope that the standoff will be resolved after the elves return to work in January.  

– HL Menocken

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.”      – Irish proverb

Ancient Druids Revered Mistletoe Berries

(Ireland) If you’ve ever wandered the woodlands of Ireland you couldn’t help but trip over the mistletoe. It grows everywhere. Surprisingly when all the other green is in hibernation the mistletoe plant continues to produce berries all winter long.

The Druid physician-priests held the berries dear for their medicinal benefits and very likely in prevention of conception. The berries contain high concentrations of progesterone (rhymes with testosterone) which stimulates the libido. We will paraphrase what may have happened next as theorized by Dr. John Lee, author of Natural Progesterone – The Multiple Rolls of a Remarkable Hormone.

Here’s the scenario: For many centuries the Druids sponsored a winter solstice festival that, according to our calendar fell on December 22 or 23. The event, which lasted one week was meant to keep the sun from disappearing completely from the sky. (The pagans were uptight about things too – especially the sun god taking a powder). The celebration was held so that Spring would someday return and the world would not die. Katy, bar the door! Debts were paid, gifts exchanged and feasts presented. In addition a sacred concoction of hot mead laced with mistletoe berries was plentiful.

Once the party got started the influence of the warm alcohol and the progesterone helped everyone get quite relaxed, and get to know each other better…real better.

Modern medicine recognizes the fact that menstrual shedding is the result of an abrupt fall of progesterone, which no doubt occurred after the week of Celtic carousing had ended. Therefore, any conception that took place during the week of unrestricted sex would be lost in the induced flow. Besides allowing participants access to primitive sexual license, the solstice party reinforced the perception that festive sex without subsequent  responsibility was merely another gift from the gods. Simple enough.

With the start of the new year everything returned to normal. And you thought you’d been to some parties…Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Solstice. Mistletoe berries and mead…

– Finn McCool

“The trouble is, you think you have time.”       – Buddha