All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Great Moments in Crested Butte Dog Court
Prosecutor: And we can prove that on the night of June 4,1987 that this transient mongrel, Spot, did willfully mess on Elk Avenue right in front of a group of tourists who were reportedly carrying as much as $1000 on their persons.
It is further noted that Spot has will fully attempted to sabotage the efforts of the Crested Butte and Mt. Crested Butte Chambers of Commerce and Governor Hickenlooper’s “Dome of the Range” program…
Defense: Objection, your honor. Spot doesn’t even know Governor Hickenlooper. We have no malice here…
Spot: Woof:!
Judge: I find the defendant guilty on all counts and sentence him to two days in the pound and fifty hours of public service. Can you handle a shovel son?
Spot: Woof, Woof!
CAFE EXCELSO ESPECIAL
Cafe Luqman was named Best Coffee at a national symposium held in January at Popyan, Colombia. Posing with his favorite brew is Victor Gutierrez, owner of the coffee company. The coffee beans are grown at Pijao in Quindio and Victor operates a comfortable coffee house on the plaza. For more look at www.thrillist.com
Black Hole Waste Disposal Slated For New Jersey
Officials at Waste Supervision, Inc., have announced that they will locate the world’s first artificial black hole at an undisclosed location in New Jersey, and will monetize their investment by using it to dispose of trash, toxic waste, and other unwanted products of our industrial civilization.
The move had been rumored for several months, as word leaked out that the company had developed the technology for producing artificial black holes, and that it would deploy the technology in accordance with the company’s traditional objectives. Waste Supervision is an American waste management, comprehensive waste, and environmental services company. Black holes are an astronomical phenomenon, involving gravitational collapse so intense that even light (and therefore unwanted trash) cannot escape from one. Heretofore, black holes have not been known to be any closer than distant parts of our galaxy. Locating one on earth would certainly be a first.
Dr. Werner Holden, spokesman for Waste Supervision, confirmed that the black hole technology, which should put Waste Supervision far ahead of competitors, was largely the brainchild of a key employee, whom Dr. Holden declined to name. “For now, let’s just call him Mr. X,” he said. “Mr. X dropped out from a graduate physics program at one of our major universities when his experimental black hole technology was not accepted as a thesis topic. Mr. X had been a kind of physical science savant in his department, one who developed clever experiments on selected topics, with the goal of enhancing his own understanding and that of others. This made him popular with other students and with some faculty, particularly faculty who could then offload their teaching assignments onto Mr X. Eventually, Mr. X wanted to understand General Relativity better and, through his unique abilities, he hit on the black hole technology.”
When a reporter asked why this breakthrough had not been sufficient for a thesis topic, Dr. Holden replied, “Well as I said, Mr. X was a bit of a savant. His qualifying exams at the university were not good, as his conceptual difficulty with, for example, 3-dimensional Green’s Functions and his poor comprehension of irreducible tensor operators hurt him badly in course work. This was because he could not devise his preferred practical learning tools for those required topics. However, he did do that for General Relativity, thus developing his now-famous artificial black hole. Moreover, he needed a little “infrastructure” to complete the proof of concept, and we could provide that. Well, the university’s loss is Waste Supervision’s gain, I would say. We’re proud of Mr. X, and may eventually release his name.”
Another reporter asked if the US government wanted to classify the black hole technology and possibly weaponize it. Dr. Holden answered, “No we haven’t heard about that. The task of turning a black hole into a missile payload and launching it at an enemy seems to me to be far less feasible than just having it stay put in New Jersey, as our company prefers to do. But if other entities have creative ideas about using the technology, we could discuss licensing.”
When asked exactly where in New Jersey the black hole facility would be located, Dr. Holden said, “We have narrowed down the list, and each place has appeared in the punch line of a joke about New Jersey. I know, that’s not very specific but it’s all I have for now. Next question.” Reporters speculated that Secaucus, Hoboken, and Perth Amboy could well head the list.
Another questioner asked how this breakthrough in technology will affect the shadowy waste disposal practices of New Jersey contractors with links to organized crime. Dr. Holden said, “We checked into that and noted that organized crime minions find the waste disposal run into the swamp lands to be a low-status activity these days; they’re tired of sticking their dumbest kids with the job and would be only too happy to get rid of it. So we’re good to go.”
Dr. Holden was then asked about EPA and other government approvals for the black hole site. Wouldn’t that be difficult? “I really don’t expect a regulatory problem from this business-friendly administration in Washington,” Dr. Holden said. “I mean, black holes are not against the law in any way, and Congress is not in the mood to pass new laws and regulations against free enterprise.” When asked about the size of the keep-out zone around the black hole, and whether it would endanger the surrounding area, Dr. Holden said, “That’s all proprietary, but we’ve talked to many residents of the state and most of them said that they wouldn’t mind if certain parts of New Jersey fell into a black hole.”
A recently appointed EPA official in Washington, who wished to remain anonymous, seemed to confirm Dr. Holden’s anticipated government attitudes. “Jumping in and regulating a clean disposal technology like black holes sounds like something a Democrat administration would do,” he declared.
Dr. Holden called for one last question, which was: Where does the trash end up when it falls into a black hole? “That’s a great final question,” he said, “and you’ll have to ask an astronomer but I don’t think even they know. The good news is that we’re pretty sure all of it is first broken into elementary particles. At that point, it may go into another universe but then it will be another universe’s problem, not ours.”
copyright 2018 Tim Maloney
Citibank Secures Sole Rights to Sunrise and Sunset
(Bismarck) Citibank Corporation has acquired the rights to sunrise and sunset it was reported by people familiar with these kinds of things. The giant financial interest reportedly has secured these curtain call times of the day, traditionally referred to as dawn and dusk, for an undisclosed sum from an unidentified broker at an unspecified location at an undetermined time.
“It’s not clear how the deal went down.,” said Marilyn Madrugada from Time Is Money, a popular local television program . “Citibank has moved to secure it’s new holdings, sending its private army into sensitive areas to insure the opening and closing of the day comes off without a hitch.
Private showings, on an invitation only basis, are expected to begin in a month.
“Citibank wants to insure stockholders that there is no favoritism at play,” said Madrugada, “and that there will soon be no squatters illegally viewing dawn and dusk.”
One Citibank executive refused to comment on growing fears that air and water might follow a similar path toward the privatization of natural resources, including natural wonders, designated planets and public lands.
Other leading financial institutions have hesitantly followed suit, bidding on early morning, noon, mid-afternoon and the hotly contested cocktail hour. What control of these daily beginnings and endings could mean is beyond the comprehension of most of us.
Wall Street brokers had already nailed down the fabled Midnight Hour, made famous by R&B great, Wilson Pickett in 2007 back before the first Great Recession.
“The loss of astronomical sunrise and sunset twilight times tips the bucket for another intellectual dark age where knowledge and education are the enemy of money cults, military control and fundamentalism not beholden to the fruits of fact of logic.”
On the heels of these acquisitions, further documents to finalize the purchase of Western Canada are expected to be filed in North Dakota Supreme Quart on Thursday.
The action follows an attempted water grab by agents of Coca Cola and Nestle Corporations. These multinationals have begun negotiations on the privatization of the Guarani Acquifer that lies below the surface of Paraguay, parts of Brazil and Argentina and most of Uruguay, the only fiscally stable country in the region.
Conservationists are up in arms over the seizure of a natural resource that should belong to everyone.
“These greedy monsters are attempting to take our children’s water and turn it into their shit products that they sell back to us,” said a spokesperson for Eco-Mamas, a Montevideo-based legal firm. “Without water we will become thirsty slaves, subservient to a cruel-hearted system that eats its young.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
ABANDONED SHEEP HAZARDOUS ON SLOPES
(Vail) The growing problem of abandoned sheep in Western Colorado is approaching epidemic proportions according to a filtered statement released by Colorado Ski Country on Thursday. Skiers are warned to beware of the woolly obstacles in areas where snowfall is light. Over 52 collisions have occurred since Christmas.
Transient ski bums, who often discard their winter pets at the end of the ski season, are being blamed for the conditions. The poor sheep, made stupid by years of cruel breeding, have no other choice than to return to instinctual habitats which provide safety from predators and minimal nourishment in the lean months.
“Sure, our slopes attract all kinds of animals due to general serenity and the extreme grazing potential,” said E.F. Mutton, a broker employed by the state tourism bureau. “The reality is frightening for mammals of all kinds and dangerous for plants and minerals too.”
Electric fences have been installed at Crested Butte in an effort to keep the woolies off the slopes and the skiers in bounds. Many of the intrusive animals brandished signs saying Bo Peep-No steep and We’re sheep and we vote!
“We have a lot of trouble distinguishing the clever sheep from snowboarders,” said one lift operator. “We’ve had meetings and organized night patrols. All we’ve concurred at this time is that the sheep are better mannered.”
A recent collision at Telluride resulted in an impromptu lamb roast at Gorrono Park while at Monarch a shoot to kill ordinance has been adopted. Ski Dallas has shut its lifts down permanently even though no sheep have been seen within ten miles of the place. Powderhorn, long a sanctuary ski area, did not respond to our herding efforts earlier in the week.
What is making matters worse down in Montrose is the increase in the price of lamb which tempts poachers from as far away as Pea Green and Hoover’s Corner.
“The price of a lift ticket doesn’t seem quite as high if one can harvest a few sheep during the day,” stressed Mutton. “We can usually spot trouble early since these kind of skiers carry 22s instead of poles.”
The authorities agree that it is people who should shoulder the responsibility of avoiding sheep. One innovative ski baron at Purgatory suggested offering the sheep limited discount passes in return for vacating heavy traffic areas and busy weekends. Most resorts have opted for feeding programs in Wyoming and Utah.
– Rex Montaleone
“Off with their heads.” – The Queen of Hearts
Fake Coals Mines Popping Up in Unlikely Spots
A throng of fake coalmines have now appeared on the landscape leading environmentalists to conclude that it’s another latent smoke and mirrors move by the current Administration. The mines have cropped up in spots never before believed to have coal under them.
One of the largest of the excavations is in the middle of Iowa, a state that voted heavily for Trump in 2016. Other extraction stations/mines have been hastily thrown up in Nebraska and Kansas. Often the facilities consist of phony shafts and false front above ground buildings. Hydraulic jacks litter the grounds, accentuated by draglines, shearers, piles of coal and tunnels to nowhere.
Smaller mines are reportedly under construction in such non-traditional locales as Mississippi, Texas and Wisconsin – states won by Trump – where playing to a pro-coal base/ideology appears to be getting some positive attention.
No new “cardboard buildings, forged production figures, counterfeit tunnels or bags of coal dust hauled from other locations, are present in coal belt states such as Kentucky, West Virginia or Colorado, leading critics to accuse the White House of grandstanding with no plan to follow through on flimsy promises to fossil fuel enthusiasts.
“Trump is playing games here with a tell-them-what-they-want-to-hear message peppered with untruths that have become synonymous with his reign,” coughed a retired miner.
The short-sighted mining interests have even introduced a little union busting and parasitic company store ledgers to lend authenticity to the moves,” said one former EPA official. “Many of us in opposition are like those “bear of Madam Bovary banging on pots and pans trying to get the attention of the stars.”
It was not known if a plan to build a wall across the southwestern border of the country would feature fake concrete thus falling in line with this coal scam. Many see the wall as an extension of ego on the part of the White House and conclude that the plan is already out of control. Already many Texas ranchers are at odds with what they call Humpty Trumpy’s Wall.
A source in the GOP House told the Horseshoe that false front banks, schools, bridges, churches, courts and assembly halls are projected for completion 2019.
“It’s our way of saving the infrastructure so important to every tax payer and their grandchildren who will be paying for all of our fiscal voodoo,” said General Worthington Bulbous, the last man who actually comes to work at the Pentagon.
“Although these do nothing to generate electricity they are preferred over windmills and solar power,” he said off the record. “Much of our constituency remains convinced that these methods are sinful and will lead to a crash. Now where do you suppose they got those ideas?”
– Fred Zeppelin
