Former Mining Town Wrestles With Organic Tourism

The sun came up over Escucha al Monte the same way it had for who knew how long. It came up the same as it had before the town ever existed, when the site was only a patch of wild meadow, accented by steep granite cliffs, where Vulcan Creek tumbled out of Carne Canyon wandering to the muddy Tabeguache River to west. Butter Lake dominated the village scene. This was not some reservoir compliments of the Corps of Engineers and the Chamber of Commerce, but the real deal compliments of the relentless river.

The steep and lonesome trail up to Camp Hollow and the played out Cuckhold Mine

Everything in the town focused on that body of water, including the small hospital, where newborns and those on the way out of it could enjoy the best views. They could see the Super Whosit (still family owned and operated, featuring hard wood floors and employees who had worked there for thirty years. They could gaze into the picture window at Flora’s Coiffures and almost taste the conversation there. Flora’s seven children had run off back east somewhere and become lawyers. They rarely visited Escucha.

The first residents fished these streams and rivers and hunted deer and elk near a large stand of ponderosa that bordered the small park to the east. Their summer lodges stood where the sun hit the canyon walls. Dismantled every November they were hauled down valley to the confluence of the Kinnick-Kinnick River, southwest to Uncompromiso Creek and the more tolerable winter climate. In later years miners would walk that stretch up to the Camp Hollow or the more remote Cuckhold Mine. Tourists hoof it today.

At one point in the town’s bawdy history there had been 22 brothels and at least 40 places to buy a glass of whiskey. With the mines shut down the former red light district featured summer melodramas in the remodeled saloons and carpetbagger real estate in the parlors. False front emporiums sold mindless souvenirs in plastic and glass and T-shirts that read Escucha Mucha, Budweiser and Harley-Davidson. The aroma of Real Texas barbecue was everywhere even though this wasn’t Texas, at least in the winter. The old train depot was now a bed and breakfast. A cell phone outlet sat where the old coal yard had been. The churches outnumbered the public houses two to one.

Old Escucha, site for a multi-million dollar resort and golf course on the edge of town.

But that’s only downtown. Uptown, farther into the afternoon shadows and on the other side of Vulcan Creek and up on the Lake the real Escucha flourished. It is comprised of the fire house, the aforementioned Whosit Market, two junk yards, Red’s Gravy Heaven, the Hibernian-Croatian Club, a feed store, several outdoor clothing stores, a bookstore, the bank, an auto parts store, with small cabins and house trailers wedged in between. The town’s bookends were city hall and the two-room offices of the Escucha Star, the county’s only award-winning weekly newspaper.

A giant American flag, 1000 feet by 800 feet fluttered high above the Happy Face Mortuary while another banner of red, white and blue waved above the bank. The second one is smaller and taken in every night by an honor guard of loam officers under the watchful eye of Attila II, the town’s “slower” boy.  Only last week the bankers had decided to invest in a new flag, bigger than the one that flew above Happy Face.

Out along the highway where Barbie’s Buffalo Ranch and Massage meets Dead Angel Gorge, which drops off an amazing 1390 feet according the Bureau of Survey and Management, stands the real tourist attraction, The Giant Dinosaur Turd. The 200 million year-old reptilian loaf, an archeological treasure dating back to the Triassic Epoch now featured ten foot fences and more than 300 little brown and white Forest Service signs, in over 20 languages, meant to inform and direct traffic.

Despite all the trappings, the dinosaur turd is real, having been discovered by students from the Normal School of Mimes, while out picking wildflowers in 1893.

Before that everyone in Escucha thought the large brownish object was part of a meteor or tailings pile. Some thought it had been a landfill for the nearby Ute village. Nobody ever guessed it was dinosaur dropping(s). Although the discovery was a blessing to the local economy, the situation had now threatened to get way out of hand since the giant turd was really not so giant. It was eroding thanks to the throngs of pedestrian traffic that visited the place in the summer.

Executive Offices of the Giant Dinosaur Turd in Escucha

“We had almost as many people walking along the observation trails last year as they had at Mount Rushmore,” bragged Shivaree Tripe, number two person at the local chamber of commerce.

These trails, or Poop Decks, as the residents of Escucha called them, were built by slave labor compliments of the Forest Service and the state correctional institute in Pinkyville. Admission ($10 for adults. Children and seniors $15) goes toward free weights, dirty movies and other tools of rehabilitation at the prison. About half the money is spent on the extensive daily maintenance of The Lizard Turd, aka The Golden Goose.

Enthusiasts are warned that many of these crowded walkways and primitive passages become slick in the rain and have no guard rails. Each year there are accidents but usually no fatalities due to the presence of rescue workers with ropes, sirens, pulleys and hats that say “Rescue Me”.

“The incredible number of visitors has permanently taxed our resources,” flinched Tripe. The body heat from all these people, many of them fossils in their own right, has caused the giant turd to melt, even though it was considered petrified. Some days, after a particularly brutal assault by RVers, tour bus inmates and people who saw the four-color brochure, an annoying odor rises from the vicinity of this monument to dinosaur regularity, the largest of its type anywhere on the planet and most likely the solar system.”

A multi-million dollar Tourist Village is in the planning stages featuring theme gift shops, swank eateries, a five-star hotel, spa and golf course within spitting distance of the natural landmark. The destination resort, three miles up Snow Monkey Pass, will be bookmarked by two scenic viewing areas and a 40-foot television screen broadcasting photos of the area 24-hours a day.

“If we could get these bastards to visit the Giant Turd in January and February that would be something to brag on!” said Tripe, “You can be sure I’ll be pushing my dome project at the next economic development meeting. There are tons of federal grants for just this kind of thing.”

– Kevin Haley

PET PARADE

with Dr. Efram Pennywhistle Jr, DVM, LSMFT.

WHEN SHOULD KITTY START DATING?

If I’ve heard it once I’ve heard it twice…Dr. Efram: When should my cat be allowed to date? Well, that is a good question, the make-up of which is within the makeup of the individual feline. Some cats are mature at two or three. Others have already shown themselves to be irresponsible by that time. One such miss that lived in our neighborhood produced 15 litters before she even had her driver’s license. What a slut.

If one’s family cat has been brought up properly and has the ability to distinguish between good and evil she should be able to be trusted on a chaperoned date with a Tom at adolescence. Never push kitty into the social scene though. Monitor the behavior herein while on an outing and have the Tom checked out by a local veterinarian.

When my sister’s cat first started dating my brother-in-law, Salvador, offered to drive the felines to the movies. This was working out well until Sal got his third DUI and lost his license. Now the same kitties take the bus or walk and manage to visit their driver/benefactor in the can on Tuesdays and Thursdays. That shows something.

In potential dilemmas it is imperative to keep a clear head. Trust is the key word. The way we treat a pet at the offset often determines the personality traits. If all of this is too scientific for some of you just have the animal spayed. This has been Dr Efram Pennywhistle for Pet Parade.

NEXT TIME: Tomcats, like all males of any species, have only one thing on their demented minds. We’ll show you how to nip them in the bud right out there in the garage. See you then!

All Cars To Be Same Color by ’24

(Detroit) According to the nation’s big three auto makers all cars manufactured after 2024 will be the same color. This will hold true with cars and trucks made in the U.S. as well as those produced by other major players such as Japan, Germany, Russia and Great Britain.

“It’s tribal,” said one CEO

According to an auto industry spokesperson there is no utilitarian purpose for all the colors, which were only an enticement aimed at getting people to buy cars that they thought would make a statement such as the red Corvette, the black Dakota or the silver Land Rover.

“We think today’s driver is brighter and wants to save on unnecessary frills,” clutched a high industry source. “What is red anyway but a mixture of orange and black? And what of canary yellow, or blue opal? It’s all but an illusion.”

At present every car will be painted desert tan, as it comes off the assembly line, but marketing departments are scurrying to come up with a more exciting sounding name than desert tan.

“It’s kind of a screened prune color or maybe even a rose adobe or shrouded copper, I don’t know,” he said. “I’m sure our people will come up with something nice even if it makes no logical sense at all.”

Consumer reaction was mixed with some saying color is one of the major factors to consider when purchasing a vehicle and others saying you can’t tell the difference between a Cadillac and a Mercedes anymore anyway.

“They might as well all be the same color,” quipped one potential buyer. “I’d just like to meet the person who sold them all that paint.”

– Gabby Haze

NRA Convention Carnage Told

(Blandson MO) Members of the National Rifle Association opened fire on each other yesterday during a rally aimed at new membership. Authorities were hesitant to estimate the casualties saying only that they are still counting.

No one knows how a simple argument over the charter of the group mushroomed into violence. Regional differences and the easy access to assault weapons are blamed for the shootings at press time. Members were sitting in very vulnerable circular seating when someone opened up. Response was quick and misdirected leaving the pro-weapons lobby crippled and disoriented.

Ironically enough, stricter background checks might have prevented the tragedy.

– Susie Compost

Young men of Ireland beware:

HEN PARTIES

are conducted & tolerated

in your townlands and parishes

Please stay in the pub

until further clarity

has been established on

these rambunctious activities

& disorderly encounters

occurring after a decent hour.

–  Clonakilty Council on Public Safety

SPEAKER TO SPEAK

(Warshington UPS) House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will speak before the combined House of Representatives on Thursday. She is expected to address immigration issues, climate change, Wall Street and the aggressive foreign policies of the white House.

Pelosi told reporters that it was time to clear the air and reach out to the other side of the aisle.

“Since I am the Speaker I feel it is my sworn duty to speak,” said the highest-ranking female elected official in the history of the United States. “The problem is that I am either preaching to the choir or talking to a wall,” she said in reference to the partisan politics that plague the capitol.

Pelosi is expected to criticize the “inhuman practices conducted by the present administration at the borders” as well as “the profits of climate change denial” and white-collar corruption.

The Democrats have no public agenda on these issues that is known at this time. Many inside the party are scrambling for a voice or even a slogan to further enhance defeating Trump in 2020. Right now it is all anti-Trump, minus solutions.

Despite ascertains that she represents the average American the Congresswoman’s net worth was over $30 million in 2017.

In a related development FOX News has secured the exclusive rights to broadcast the 2020 Presidential Elections. The network will dissect the contest 24 hours per day starting in September. It is the first time a television network has taken on such a gargantuan task; especially considering the fact that many FOX celebrities hold positions in the Trump Administration.

– Susie Compost

“Podran cortar todas las flores, pero no podrán detener la primavera”

– Pablo Neruda