All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Ghost of Col. Sanders Haunts Chicken Plant
(Wimpton) He prowls the coops of the processing plant dressed in his white linen suit, a cadaverous, ghastly smile across his pasty face. His goatee is death-white too and almost starched, his glasses slip down his nose as he makes his nightly rounds. He casts no shadow as he monitors the last hours of the feathered inhabitants.
Sightings have become almost commonplace here in a land of thoroughbreds, Ezra Brooks and Kentucky colonels.
“We saw him one dawn after a night of plucking,” said Andrea Capone, who has worked at the processing plant since flunking out of Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School back in 1966. “He was real creepy and didn’t touch the ground. He just drifted through walls, clucking to himself.”
Para-psychologists say the appearance of apparitions such as Colonel Sanders are rare but do occur often in places linked to traumatic memories and unresolved guilt.
“We’ve had almost 300 reported sightings since summer,” said Dr. Wince Ardvarke, of Cal Amari College. “Certainly all of these witnesses can’t be crazy.”
Ardvarke, Professor of Macabre Economics at the well respected Pacific Coast institution gained fame after recording a posthumous conversation with the ghost of Jean Laffite on the River Road near New Orleans in 1980. He is author of the best selling novel Phantoms in the Pudding (Testosterone Brothers, Boston) in which he clearly states:
“Why are people so surprised at the presence of ghosts like these roaming around after dark? Do they think the afterlife is so glamorous? Imagine sitting around playing cards or dominoes with a bunch of pale riders all morning then shuffleboard with more spooks in the afternoon. Anyone would want to break free of this bond and do a little exploring.”
Ardvarke laughed when asked by one cynical reporter if ghosts were dangerous.
“No more dangerous than eating a diet of grease-fried chicken and instant mashed potatoes,” he said. “Just so long as ye warsh it down with a toss of Basil Hayden’s.”
Local police have promised to increase patrols in the vicinity as well as around the nearby turkey processing plants buzzing with pre-holiday activity.
“Who knows,” cackled one officer, “we might even see Miles Standish or that Longfellow character out for a stroll looking for a gob of moonshine giblet gravy.”
Local farmer blows up vineyard with chili paste
(California Mesa) A local grape farmer’s seasonal salsa really hit the mark taking with it three acres of vines, a small metal shed and some abandoned yard appliances. Local law enforcement personnel joined frightened neighbors this morning to sort things out.
The explosion, on the mink farm operated by Earl Bloodcell, was heard all the way to Haley Draw, rattling the more than 4000-piece glass menagerie in a ramshackle, yet revered mud hut that borders Wingfield National Rocket Test Range. No injuries were reported although one unicorn bruised his nose slightly.
Maybe just a pinch less on the Serrano-gunpowder paste and a little more cilantro, heh Earl?
“That salsa has quite a kick. It blew the top off my metal shed My wife told me to use the measuring apparatus but my neighbor said he could eyeball the concoction so as to avoid cleaning more dishes after cooking. It was them damn habaneras!
Local authorities blame dormant Carolina Reaper peppers for the blast. Both are illegal in Colorado and Utah. The strain is usually crushed up and blended with other less noxious vegetables. It is widely employed as a topical aphrodisiac by Spartan tribes in New Guinea.
“I didn’t intend on breaking the law,” said Bloodcell. I only used a little of the Scotch bonnet to keep mountain lions out of my petunias. The rest I fed to the bear to keep them from raiding my still.
Concocted and cooked in a brand new cattle trough the spicy mixture should be classified as a weapon.
“Technically his hot sauces should be classified as explosives and classified in the gunpowder family,” said one gentleman caller, a retired ATF agent who lives up the hollow from Bloodcell.
“We were experimenting with dilution when the whole place lost its cool,” whisked Bloodcell. “It’s half an eyedropper to a gallon of water from now on.”
According to SF Gate: “The green chili group includes all green peppers that are hot, including “Anaheim” (Capsicum annuum “Anaheim”), “Jalapeno” (Capsicum annuum “Jalapeno”) and “Cayenne” (Capsicum annuum “Cayenne”). Technically, there is no difference between a green chili and a jalapeno. However, many chili fans are referring to the large, mild New Mexico peppers, such as “Anaheim” when they use the term green chili. These chilies are used to make green chili and canned chilies. Because these chilies are so mild, they can be used in large amounts in recipes. Jalapenos have more heat and they are often used as a condiment, rather than a main ingredient.”
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Relief for seniors
Are you 100 years old or more and have never had so much as a parking ticket? The Gov’ment may pay to paint your house. Little-known program available to seniors, juniors, snowflakes, rednecks and illegals.
Up to $5000 in non-fire zones. Flood plains slightly less. Enamel or gloss. Ladders not included. We do not use forced labor from the nation’s private prison population unless local ordinances deem otherwise.
For more please tear out the eligibility form from this months’ Magpie Magazine:
The slick ‘zine for those who see life strictly in Black and White.
Black Powder Days Slated for November
(Crested Butte) Licensed hunters can once again shoot deer or elk from the ski lifts during Black Powder Days, November 3 – 6. The annual celebration, controversial since its inception in 2013, is expected to draw more than 500 sharpshooters eyeballing some 200 special licenses to a late October draw.
Local hunters will be given priority when signup begins. Times are to be chosen at random and depend on snow depths and migratory patterns. Most veterans of the extreme sport agree that early morning and dusk are the most advantageous times to hunt and add that bonus reconnaissance lift ride offers a slew of benefits to the seasoned as well as the novice shooter.
The ski area, owned by Vail, says it can easily accommodate 1000 hunters but that limits are in place to keep the event small and homey. Sources on the I-70 Corridor confirmed plans to add “an assortment” of entertaining sidelines along with the traditional ski experience.
“We must be ready to pounce on any opportunities to expand our shrinking custom base,” said a Vail source. “We could never pull this off at Vail since we are in close proximity to the liberals on the Confront Range whereas Gunnison County is full of hicks who like this kind of thing. They even have a rodeo every summer.”
A spokesman for the Colorado Division of Wildlife denied any knowledge of Black Powder Days contending that Vail or any other ski concern does not receive privileges not extended to every citizen of the state.
“We don’t know anything about DOW bigwigs skiing for free either,” said the source.
– Filly Buster
End of world already happened says scientist
(Ouray) A transcendental scientist here says the much-feared apocalypse (end of the world) has already taken place and that what we are seeing and experiencing now is simply a dream. Dr. Melrose Tinkleholland, BFD, LSMFT, former director of the Macro-Buddhist Study Institute on Red Mountain says the end came fifteen years ago but that everyone had been too busy and self-absorbed to notice it.
“Today,” he asserted, “our entire spectrum is dependent on the generally Lilliputian human imagination to support cosmic flow created by the revolutions and desertions of other heavenly bodies.”
Tinkleholland, who catapulted to fame in early 1988 after proving that Elvis Presley was alive and living on the planet Neptune, is the former chair of the Department of Astrology and Sports Medicine at the prestigious Cal Amari Institute.
Later he offered strong evidence that our daily lives are an illusion created by our memories and fears.
“It’s like going to the movies without sound or even popcorn,” said the professor.
The extraterrestrials, he insists, not only visited our mountain towns during tourist season but that these every one of these space wanderers bought cowboy hats while in the Rockies.
“They still like to dress up like cowboys when given the chance,” said Tinkleholland. “Who wouldn’t?”
Pornographic evidence of an alien visitor riding a bull at the 2009 Ouray Rodeo is allegedly in the possession of the state police.
“He made it to the bell but then swallowed his chew,” laughed Tinkleholland. “They sure don’t make other world cowpokes like they used to.”
Restating his appraisal that our world is only a dream, the professor looked down his nose at assembled guests saying, “There’s really no reason to worry anymore. We might just as well have a good time. Bring me another rum!”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“I coulda had lots of religion
saved for all to see
but fo’ bad women and smooth whiskey,
I just could not let them be.”
– Jefferson Washington, “King of the Blues”
