All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
VENUS SAYS ASTRONAUTS REACHED OUT INAPPROPRIATELY
(Pluto) Venus says she was indecently touched by astronauts “reaching out” back in 1997. In what she now calls the Estrella Inquisition, Venus claims to have been relaxing on her porch when two men from another galaxy joined her and began to close in with affectionate gestures. Being a proper woman she decided to flee into a safe corner of the Universe.
Why she waited all his time to come forward was not discussed at the time the law suit was filed. Lawyers for Venus say it was a clear case of sexual harassment back then and sexual assault by today’s measuring stick.
Despite the fact that the crime occurred long before the statute of limitations they say they will bring the matter before a court of law “due to the grievance and potential explosive reactions by civil rights groups and Greek and Roman gods”.
A spokesman for the Brotherhood of Space Wanderers told reporters the accusations were ridiculous and that Venus is just trying to blackmail his group and NASA as well.
“What can you expect from a woman who poses in her birthday suit on a scallop shell?” he asked.
Meanwhile Venus remains out of the public view as she has for centuries. Her lawyers did not return our phone calls Friday.
– Tommy Middlefinger
The Good Old Days For Some
I heard a man in Ridgway talking about the good old days and how he wished we could go back to living that way. After his short sermon on the subject another man reminded him about the institutional inequality practiced against women, Blacks and Latinos prevalent in those years. The exchange cried out for a clear picture that neither of the men could produce since both were born 40 years ago and had never experienced “knowing one’s place”, “colored only” drinking fountains or the belief that all of Latin America was like Tijuana.
It was pretty good duty if you’re a white male in America in the Fifties and Sixties. And now they’re asking you to show a little remorse because some Black people have been treated like shit for 400 years? C’mon.
The conversation grew heated but finally embraced comic relief with reference to Andy of Mayberry and how Sheriff Taylor might have reacted to these recent murders or even how he or Barney Fife would have handled such an incident.
Jim Crow Laws were alive and well in beautiful Mayberry. Gomer was white, Guber was white, Aunt Bea and Opie were white. Even Floyd the Barber (no reaction to George Floyd) was white. At the time that was how things on TV were presented. One never saw a Black person on the street in Mayberry that I can remember. It can be easily argued that if A Black person was about he would be chaperoned by a slew of stereotypes. Nice and white.
Would the North Carolina National Guard have been called if the Blacks rioted or would the good citizens of nearby Mount Pilot have come to the rescue and helped neutralize the perpetrators. Would there have been lynchings?
George Floyd is not a hero. It muddies the issues. Cops are supposed to act like protectors not as racist thugs. Look to your own community. Do you have law enforcers or peace officers? How do you feel about the militarization of the cops over the last two decades?
There is really no crystal clear black and white when it comes to most topics yet impregnable opinions are usually formed in that half-light.
If we plan to survive as a society a level playing field is needed for all from birth to death. That is not what is happening. Right now some vital questions just do not have viable answers.
Monarch sponsors gravity seminar
The Tenth Royal Monarch Ski Legion will sponsor a Gravity Seminar on Wednesday, July 8, for people who believe in that sort of thing. The morning presentation is meant to bring attention to the “perils, plights and pitfalls” of summer skiing in dry and paltry conditions while the afternoon sessions will focus on the dangers inherent in falling from heights any time of the year.
“We must educate our following to the as to the risks of injury while skiing during daylight hours and on the hazards of driving around at night, even if you are caucasian,” said Wyreen “Poles” Ackerman, PhD, BFD, LSMFT, the academic credited with coordinating the lectures which are expected to raise more than $50 for charity.
Not to be confused with gravy, gravity is defined as the natural phenomenon of attraction between massive bodies. The use of the word gravity to denote the seriousness of a situation or the solemnity of behavior could certainly be implied according to sources familiar with this kind of thing.
While many have attempted to thwart these physical laws, few have succeeded. The date for the seminar is appropriate in that it is the last day of summer ski season, as we know it. Flat Earth snowboarders will not be admitted until after the baby shower exhibit is retired for lunch. No capes, feathers or oversized umbrellas will be permitted on the grounds during the colloquium.
Next Seminar “How Do Airplanes Stay Up in the Sky?” is slated for August 13. Bring a covered fish. No Irish.
Inspired Double Talk in the Fifties
The following speech was delivered in April of 1952, on the status of whiskey, by Noah S. “Soggy” Sweat, Jr. in the Mississippi state legislature in Jackson.
My friends, I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about whiskey. All right, here is how I feel about whiskey.
If when you say “whiskey” you mean the devil’s brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster, that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean the evil drink that topples the Christian man and woman from the pinnacle of righteous, gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation and despair and shame and helplessness and hopelessness, then certainly I am against it.
But if when you say “whiskey” you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and laughter on their lips, and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer; if you mean the stimulating drink that puts the spring in the old gentleman’s step on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the drink which enables a man to magnify his joy, and his happiness, and to forget, if only for a little while, life’s great tragedies, and heartaches, and sorrows; if you mean that drink, the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars, which are used to provide tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitiful aged and infirm, to build highways and hospitals and schools, then certainly I am for it
This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise.
Sweat was a judge, law professor, and state representative in the U.S. state of Mississippi. Reportedly the above speech took Sweat two and a half months to write.
Under the Covers – Book Reviews
Reading requires a degree of self-isolation while traveling magically to other worlds and embracing challenges that not only provide serenity but provide knowledge, raw and refined. Otherwise life turns to batshit real quick.
Here are a few suggestions to keep you on the right side of the lifestyles we are experiencing it at the present time.
*How I Learned to Trust White People Again” from Juliene Pettifogger the author of the best seller Don’t Squat with Your Spurs in Third Gear and the sensual thriller A Horse Can Be Course – The Swinger Scandals of Wilbur and Carol Post. The stories are humdrum and the title has nothing to do with the content but the author manages to generate over 60,000 adjectives and adverbs in a cheaply produced paperback. Perfect for a rainy day or a redoubt from a meteor storm. It’s a must read.
“How to mine uranium” Talk about hands-on help in the era of vague interpretation and philosophical debris, this collection of stories and how to do it advice is a treasure even if you’re not interested in digging in the ground. The characters have emerged as brave extractors, not detractors from a profitable, yet highly controversial subject. Sadly, not once does the author undress the rhino-in-the-room like he does in Will Raiders Fans Still Dress Like Pro Wrestlers in Las Vegas? Atila Diggins coughed up what we hope will be the first of many non-fiction offerings, after his Naturita dance studio wine bar closed due to the pandemic.
A slew of books on political intrigue are on the horizon this summer with “The Bourbons: Royals of Appalachia” leading the charge. This book of short subjects includes the popular Back to Kentucky in the Trunk of a Cadillac 
where a whiney Mitch McConnell is passed over as Derby King. “The hilarious Dummy’s Guide to the Hostile takeover of America” chronicles the diabolic brain washing of the angry and unrefined. The Unofficial Autobiography of Mitch carefully details acquisitions and mergers by no longer essential politicians who get rich on America’s tab. If you like any of these be sure to peruse Goshen to Grundy in a Bullet-proof Limo which could be Lacey “Curtain” Zapato’s finest work. It is expected in bookstores by late August.
Sweet dreams are only a snore away with The Bedtime Book of Hand Grenades. 
The three volume set is perfect for slow readers although the pictures are not always explained. Perfect for those who love to wear fatigues but don’t join the army for fear of being killed. Includes a slick, impressive fashion pull-out and the lyrics to a host of German marching tunes from the 30s. Retired metal forces colonel, Tufts Bearcat wrote the majority of the book while planning the invasion of Iran in 2015. Liner notes market the action-packed composition as “victories, gruesome tales and hairy escapes that would make a drill sergeant cry”. Bearcat is most famous for his anthology Hemmingway’s Pencil, the first novel to use intimate objects as its main characters.
– Finn McCool
New $10,000 bills exclude poorer Americans
Business News
(Fort Knocks) The newly minted and much publicized $10,000 bill will not be available to the general public it was announced today. Excluding the impoverished and the dwindling middle class from the upgrade, the move once again stacks the deck in favor of those who already have all the money.
One affluent and well insulated inequality pioneer sneered at the prospect of sharing the wealth with those fiscally beneath him.
Saying that poor Americans “would only hurt themselves with the swollen currency”, billionaire, Invidious T. Morganthau, told us: “Only the well- heeled will have the money to buy these and use the currency properly,” he sniffed? “It’s a non-issue.”
The author of the rarely reviewed Caucasians at the Racetrack continued, insisting that the bills would swiftly cease to be a premium or even fall out of circulation if the poor had access to them.
“They would get them dirty,” he said, “whereas the rich would keep them in their safes and take them out only clean them and to show off down at the country club,” he explained.
“Imagine these valuable bills circulating depressed neighborhoods. They’d be either spent on drugs or stolen,” he continued. Think of the counterfeiting that would go on in back alleys and crack houses.”
“And what would the great unwashed have to put up for collateral anyway?” he mused. “Dangerous thinking of this type needs to be eradicated before our big, beautiful feudalistic with freedom for all system is obliterated. Moat or no moat, private armies or not, brain washing be damned — there are still more of them than us.”
Other brahmans chimed in saying the entire matter was ludicrous.
“Most of these types have never even seen a $100 bill much less one of these $10,000 babies,” offered Wyatt Wyatt, another silver spoon pirate who has managed to spin his boyhood inheritance into a vast fortune by selling defective condoms in emerging nations.
“Just look at the average life expectancy of a hundred dollar bill in the hands of the desperate for instance. They get it and spend it right away. They have no sense of financial management or the dangers of inflation. I have witnessed this behavior time and time again in my career,” he shook his head.
While Donald the Trump will grace the $10,000 bill, a second minting will feature The Rogue Supreme Court on the front with a fully camouflaged Mike Pence on the back. The $5000 will be minted only through the summer season as a souvenir or keepsake for wealthy Russian tourists who can still afford a vacation in the U.S.
Where to get yours: Contact White House Brokers across from the Conflict of Interest Memorial or at any of our 50 Wall Street locations. Potential buyers must show white-collar tax records (of some kind) and proof of net worth. And remember what your your banker says: Just because you may have earned your first paycheck from questionable commerce is no indiction that you should rely on this alternate markets to secure these monetary units at your new found status.
“The average American does not understand money or have respect for large sums,” smiled Morganthau. “It would be instant anarchy if these bills spilled out into the mainstream.”
– Fred Zeppelin
