All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Silicon Valley Cave Drawings Thwart Archaeologists
(San Andreas) Sources at Cal Amari Institute expressed grave disappointment this morning at the announcement that nearby carbon-dated cave sketches were of modern origin. Following surface analysis the doodling depicted on rocky walls had been mistakenly attributed to the Plasticine Era before the Giants moved to San Francisco.
As samples of the work surfaced and were examined by litmus tests and cross-referenced by comparative properties, it became clear that the cave drawings had been scratched in the rock about two weeks ago by unknown persons using tools not available to the ancient ones.
The drawings thought to reveal significant and provocative meaning were no more than crude graffiti explaining the validity of electoral colleges, confusion on gender issues and the shocking embrace of plastic packaging in level 6 nations.
Garbage company cans service till spring
(Montrose) A longtime waste management company has suspended service here until spring. Citing colder than average conditions and the rise in garbage identity theft, sources with Bella Trash Inc. (formerly of Gladstone) say working man’s comp claims and the threat of lawsuits over security have forced their hand in this matter.
“Our personnel have been tardy or absent altogether on colder days. Who could blame them?” said a prepared press release found under a box of Argentine merlot in our lovely yet pretentious brick courtyard this morning.
The news was a shock to the San Juan Horseshoe, which in one week generates more organic debris than Bedrock, Paradox, and the Twin Cities of Nucla and Naturita combined.
According to voiced concerns, criminal elements have been seizing garbage and selling data and addresses to solicitors even though they said they would not do so.
The action has no connection to a controlled sewage leak aimed at killing noxious weeds before summer, said the release.
– Charles U. Farley
Cloning Batman Big Mistake Says Boy Wonder
(Red Mountain) Plans to clone super hero, Batman (no last name given) would be a mistake of grand proportions according to his longtime crime-fighting partner. Dressed in provocative tights and a tasteful black mask, Robin, who ran with Batman for decades, says his retired boss is a megalomaniac.
Citing episodes of power abuse and interference with the authorities, Robin says Batman harbors vendettas against several adversaries, specifically a man called The Joker and a former ally, named the Green Hornet. The Joker is reportedly living in a retirement community in Arizona while the Green Hornet is busy working on his memoirs at a secret location on Miller Mesa.
“Both of these now model citizens have complained of harassment and outright threats from Batman. Cloning him would only make matters twice as bad,” explained Robin tugging at his cape.
The cave dwelling bounder, not to be confused with batman, an orderly of a British army officer, has agreed to the cloning operation in return for a general amnesty. Batman has been connected to violent vigilante action dating back to the Fifties. Case after case of documented evidence links the super hero with over-the-head obstruction of justice.
“He took matters into his own hands,” said Robin. “He often dispensed punishment on the spot with little consideration for the rights of the criminal element…Zap…Bam…Zow…Whack! I know. I was there.”
Robin, who is currently vice president of a Confront Range self-help company that manufactures MSG suppositories, admitted that he lives in fear of reprisals by his former partner.
“The man is out of control, prone to hallucinations and as hyper as a hummingbird,” continued the Boy Wonder. “You’d think he’d do something constructive in his golden years…like take up pickle ball or bingo, but he’s too arrogant.”
Offers to join both the Montrose and Gunnison police departments were rejected by the Winged Warrior on the grounds of uniform and transportation conflicts.
A local civic group, formed to reconsider the pros and cons of the proposed cloning will meet Tuesday to consider the question: Do we really need two Batmans? The session is open to the public. Bring a covered fish.
– Susie Compost
TRUMP’S ILLEGAL WALL INCLUDES RECREATION AND ART
(Bad Breakfast, AZ) Trump’s Wall was never meant to keep anyone out, or in – it’s a money-laundering marvel. That’s all. Russian mafia bucks. Just do the research (follow the money) and see who is the real beneficiary. Meanwhile most Americans continue to watch TV and eat cold cuts.
Now a gold course appears from the blowing sands. Unconfirmed sources in Kiev insist that the entire venture will be named for Vladimir Putin.
Secret blueprints falling into our hands clearly indicate greens, tee boxes and sand traps all along the perimeter of the proposed wall. Water for the course will be paid for by Mexico where, as we all know, there is an abundance of the life-sustaining liquid. All holes will be virus free and self-appointed security militias reminiscent of the land-grabbing American gangs that raped and pillaged Mexico in the late 1840s will monitor all fairways.
Already word on the street has it that a massive RV park has been penciled in as well as 0ver 300 prayer breakfast pavilions where the righteous can go hide heads in the sand, hone blindness, and to rationalize racist behavior, emulating their living inspiration.
The 1000-foot mural of Donald Trump projected for the Mexican side of wall will be illuminated only on weekends in an attempt to stay within the billion-dollar budget. Meanwhile on the north side, fast food enterprises will seduce throngs visiting the freshly dug grave of former Senator Paul Ryan who, as readers will recall was buried in an undisclosed spot back in February. A graffiti map, drawn on the Mexican side shows the way.
All this and scavenging too. One Mexican source reports that over 5000 structures have been built in Chihuahua and Sonora from discarded wall material.
– Fred Zeppelin
“At a time when we the people need to wake up we have an occupant of the WH that needs to be put to sleep.” – Gen. Kashmir Horseshoe, United Mime Workers,
Hemp Runs Hospital
Bags of Colorado bud like this help fuel the emergency rooms at both the Mao Clinic and St Roscoe’s Experimental Clinic and Credit Union here in Manana. In addition to providing power for surgical procedures the pot also keeps the lights on and cleans up after itself before closing time. It also promotes congeniality within the workforce.
Icy Streets and Leash Laws Clash
Council Reconsiders Priorities
(Crested Butte) The town council here may rescind a 150-year-old leash law, due to safety considerations on Crested Butte’s icy streets and alleys. The primary action came Monday night as elected officials argued the merits of the long standing ordinance compared with the well being of its dog-walking citizens.
Arctic weather and seasonal moisture often create treacherous conditions here, especially on the town’s north-side streets and alleys. The principle thoroughfare, Elk Avenue gets a little dicey early in the morning and after sunset.—a high priority time for dogs that have been holding it all night and sometimes all day. They are exited to be out and in a hurry to hit the next fire hydrant or communal tree.
According to local veterinarian Dr. Laura Ramos: “When a pedestrian mixes an already precarious stroll with the approved dog walking methodology a chain reaction is likely to take place. The walker often finds himself flat on his face, horizontal with the pavement, compliments of his over-eager mutt.”
Of course, a well trained dog, accustomed to healing, will not create such a hazard but even the most well behaved animal cannot be expected to perform to perfection with all the distractions (canine and otherwise) common to the town limits.
“We need leash laws in Crested Butte or we’d have dogs running around everywhere,” said one councilperson. “The restrictions are necessary for animals as well as the general populace. However when butted up against icy sidewalks and dangerous streets we must reconsider the legislation.”
In a rare departure from existing policy another councilman warned that a slick walk at the receiving end of aggressive canine thrust could easily result in injury, and possible lawsuits.
“If we just rescind the law during periods when the streets are bullet-proof we might save everyone a lot of hassle,” he said. “We could operate along the lines of the parking laws with certain areas off limits on certain days. We could put up hundreds of signs telling people when and where they could safely walk their dogs.”
Taking no action of the matter and leaving decisions in the hands of the people was not an option, according to the first council member who insisted that maintaining the current status would not solve the problem and that allowing people to police themselves was ridiculous.
“That’s like a Washington lobbyist volunteering for military duty in Iraq,” she said. “It may look good on paper but it will never happen. If we just suspend leash laws until mud season we should avoid disaster. When the real thaw arrives we might even implement higher fines for dogs at large and recoup any loss of control by June.”
After an hour of proposals it appeared that the law makers would suspend the leash laws for a trial period.
“Either we terminate the law altogether or groom Elk Avenue,” laughed one rogue councilman sitting in the back of the room. “What about protecting drunks and persons too busy making love to their cell phones to pay attention to the conditions? What about flatlanders unaccustomed to negotiating ice? They are people too!”
He then angrily departed the chambers, slamming his laptop, hurling his Sorrels and designer Italian sunglasses into the hallway for dramatic affect.
In other developments the remaining council members voted to deny further liquor licenses to canine groups (the first such action taken toward any applicant in over 30 years) and to ban heated dog houses due to cited high energy use in the often inefficient dwellings. Critics of the action say the council is merely punishing outside dogs for any part they might have in the above-mentioned crisis.
– Fred Zeppelin
