All Entries in the "Featured Peeks" Category
Colona Schoolhouse Haunted?
County authorities confirmed that DNA collected in and around the Colona School strongly indicate the presence of “spirits from way long ago”. According to circuit rider parapsychologists, the institute of learning was built smack on top of a Neanderthal graveyard. The recent historic facade lifting, with its inherent banging, may have awakened the dead according to Dr. Charlotte Ziti, MSW, ZBT, LSMFT. “One cannot discount DNA,” said Ziti, who questioned local lore claiming that the town of Colona had been under a spell since the removal of the Utes after the Meeker Massacre. Now, as a result of these miraculous findings, all future candidates for public office must show a minimum of a middle school diploma and submit to genetic testing to ascertain what they might hope to accomplish during their potential tenure. Emergency workers on the scene report gathering over 400 wheelbarrows full of DNA on the first morning. “There’s a lot of it around and some of it is clearly not of the homo sapiens variety,” said one engineer on the project.
Free Pot May Supplement Sociable Security
(Old Maid Mine) Legislators meeting here in closed door sessions this month have drafted a plan that would offer free marijuana to retirees living in Ouray County. The complementary herb would be given to anyone currently entitled to Social Security benefits.
Over the past decade the number of those qualifying for economic guarantees has skyrocketed leaving coffers alarmingly low on funds and prompting officials to seek other means to placate the aging population. Although marijuana is technically illegal in many other locales, law makers here appear convinced that pettiness and blind-eye legality are the least of their concerns.
“We just pass a law or two that allows anyone over 65 or so immunity from prosecution, “said one legislator who demanded animosity. “Cultivating this cash crop will not only help make the golden years more enjoyable but will provide agricultural jobs for the landed peasantry and allow us expanded means of keeping our books in the black.”
According to the hastily formatted blueprint people who qualify for benefits at 62 will receive lower grade marijuana than those who opt to wait until they are 66 to collect the stipend. Those waiting longer will reap larger harvests of locally grown kind bud.
“We hope that this will encourage recipients to wait just a little bit longer to begin collecting. Who knows? The entire program could then be expanded to include all citizens where the herb could be taxed and the profits, after administrative costs of course, could be pumped back into the system thus rescuing our sacred institutions from bankruptcy.”
“One of our more progressive congressmen is set to sponsor a bill just as soon as the opinion polls have come in,” said one proponent of the action. “We expect the response in the House to be favorable and later much the same in the Senate when elected officials have ample time to consider the pros and cons of the measure.”
Most state officials, meanwhile, say privately that any bill to legalize marijuana will pass easily and balance the books over at the Sociable Security Administration.
“Fiscal priorities have always taken precedence over perceived morality,” said the legislator, “at least that’s how it’s been going in this country since 1782.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Meghan’s Crawfish Etouffee
“I don’t know what kings eat but I bet they eat this”
Pagans agree on missionary budget
(Salem, MA) Loosely assembled pagan groups, meeting here today to commemorate witch burnings in the 1600s, have established a coordinated, tight and secure missionary budget for 2021.
Leading voices extended thanks to those in attendance and promised strict monitoring of funds throughout the year so as to insure the smooth flow of philosophies in mega times of fear, intolerance and superstition.
Recruiting $0
Guilt distribution $0
Dogma $0
Promises of eternal salvation $0
Burning in Hell $0
Ritual $0
Tithing $0
Congregational development $0
Evangelism with the underserved $0
Stewardship and fund development $0
Discretionary monies $0
Ordination exam fees $0
Hymn books stolen $0
Propaganda $0
Staff $0
Hall rental $0
Capital fund drive $0
Parking $0
Pew maintenance $0
Pastor salary $0
Gullibility ratio $0
Total amount spent on morality enforcement and mortality predictions $0.
-Jim Crow
KANSAS TO INSTALL CURVES
(Lawrence) In an alleged attempt to compete with more scenic states in the region Kansas has announced a plan to construct at least 25 curves on major highways by spring. The project, supported by leading politicians, the Tourism Board, the Department of Transportation and the federal government is seen as way to draw more tourists to the state and combat the notion that roads in the Sunflower State are tediously monotonous.
Curves will be installed at low impact spots with higher potential for visual stimulation. Areas with supportive topography will be tapped first and major detours added later after public input is calculated.
“None of these curves will be too sharp,” said a proponent of the plan. “We don’t want to create a dangerous scenario especially within the local driving population that is used to the straight and narrow. What we do want to do is get away from the notion that Kansas is simply a place to pass through on the way to more attractive states like Colorado and Missouri.”
Although some critics of the roadwork say it is a chronic waste of money the project appears to be on its way toward start-up in late October. Thanks to matching federal funds, offered with the stipulation that Kansas lowers legal impairment levels regarding drinking and driving, politicians here feel the state would be foolish to pass on such an opportunity.
“We’ll concentrate on putting in conservative curves near trees and rivers at first,” said one engineer, “then we’ll concentrate on winding our way through hills, if we can find one, and through the green pastures in the eastern part of the state.”
Planners here have gone to great lengths to insure truckers and other regular travelers that the curves would not pose a threat to safety or add time to their treks.
“These are in no way hairpin curves with switch-backs and drop-offs like those found on mountain roads,” said the transportation spokesman. “We’re not here to rattle motorists but rather to entertain them. Maybe the average driver will have to pay a little more attention but in most cases a gentle movement of the steering wheel to the right or left will suffice.”
At present three 15-degree curves are planned for the Kansas Turnpike between Topeka and Wichita and a secondary low impact 35-degree swing on Highway 77 near Winfield. Another grid will showcase subtle curving along Interstate 70 at Salina, Russell, Hays and Goodland. The rest of the new curves are earmarked for state land and will most likely become part of the landscape in rural areas between Manhattan and Abilene.
A system of practice curves is already in place just outside of Dodge City. There are no plans to reinforce the few existing curves at the approach to towns since they are seen as holding their own at press time.
Meanwhile a coordinated effort to create curves along state border with Nebraska appears in the works and a growing movement in eastern Colorado and Wyoming has picked up steam of late. In Oklahoma, a wait and see approach seems to be the preferred prescription for flatland problems there.
“If it works in Kansas it could work for Oklahoma,” said one legislator in Tulsa, “but right now we’re not interested in spending money we don’t have.”
Oklahoma reportedly spent its entire road maintenance budget for the decade on athletic recruiting for its two flagship universities and will not have substantial funds available until 2024.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Ability to pitch and putt linked to diet and happiness
(Cedaredge) Success at the often dreaded short game separates golfers and dictates handicaps more than long drives and powerful second shots off fairway woods say sports doctors across the country. Finesse with short irons and a sure-handed putter translate into lower scores more than 80% of the time.
In short, while it’s fun to blast one off the tee, patience and control around the green is the secret to playing under par. And it’s all linked to what one eats and the level of enjoyment that he maintains.
In addition life expectancy is higher for people who play golf for fun not for scores. Players out on the fairway who don’t take the whole challenge too seriously enjoy a natural high while benefitting from fresh air and good exercise. As one of my uncles advised me:
“Look in the middle of the fairway where you want your ball to have landed, and not in the rough or the lake where it most likely lies. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find another ball.” – Michael O’Healy, vagabond esq.
In the Rockies you are likely to see deer and elk grazing on the fine green grass but I’ve seen more mountain lions up close than I need. Bear don’t generally give a damn if you are there or not. Coyotes will run if you pull out a six iron. If local ducks make a racket when you go into your backswing don’t take it personally. They may not be laughing at you at all.
Be happy you’re not living in intolerant times: Puritans Banned Golf in 1648 because it was a foolish waste of time. It is silly, they asserted, and causes anxiety and the use of profanity in many cases. Golfers are known to dress funny and not in keeping with the modest fashions of a God-fearing gentleman*. The sport often causes light bouts of alcohol abuse.
Remember the 90-year-old local man hit in the forehead with a well-struck golf ball last year. Soon after he gave away all his money to the Marmot Protection League. Well. we are proud to report that he’s still belting the ball at 91 and appears happier than ever. Sadly, when he’s not on the course he spends his days drys burning irrigation ditches in 35 mph wind. He has been blamed for 6 range fires since April 20.
And if you think that’s whacked out: Play golf right from your car! The Links at Mogadishu DRIVE-IN. We’re open 7 days!
