Author Archive for M. Toole

Silverton Welcomes Yodeling Academy

(Howardsville UPS) The town of Silverton today celebrated the opening of the long awaited Lake Emma Yodeling Academy. Although the official ribbon cutting was postponed (someone forgot to buy ribbon in Durango) everyone promised to work together for the advancement of the arts in San Juan County. 

     Strict covenants subscribed to by the institution call for the education of no less than 1000 yodelers per year. Instruction will follow in the classic sense focusing on raw talent and the ancient traditions inherent to the art. The classes are open to all ages and scholarships are available.

     Yodeling is defined as singing so that the voice fluctuates between the normal chest voice and a falsetto. It is often associated with the alpine landscape since lower oxygen levels aid in the development of strong, healthy lungs. Mountain goats and wide-open spaces further encourage the yodel. Silverton is rich in both of these elements.

     A series of programs has been slated throughout the summer and fall with a final chorale concert/pot luck at the Grande Imperial Hotel in November.

     “Imagine the surprise when the train is serenaded by hundreds of yodelers as it arrives in town,” said one instructor who learned the art from Jimmy Rodgers. “Hank Williams would have been proud and that says nothing of the von Trapps.”

 – Dinty Moore

State Closes Flume Rides

(Ouray) The governor’s office today announced the forced closure of what it calls dangerous flume rides operating within the town of Ouray. The rides which originate at about 8400 feet and descend sharply to 7400 feet have been popular with locals and visitors alike since the snow started to melt in March. The flumes have been blessed with record run-off and have reported only minor injuries considering the angle of vertical relief employed.

     One city official who refused to be interviewed said that if the state intended to close the flume rides it should also shut down other dangerous attractions such as most Western Slope highways, the Brown Cloud on the Front Range, the Rockies’ bullpen, and gang pastimes such as crack sales and drive-by shootings. He then invited the governor and his staff to experience the flume rides and attempt to put them in perspective with the rest of their conceptual universe.

     In a related piece, the Jackass Flats Giant Dinosaur Turd Pavilion and Gift Shop will be closed until next summer so that engineers can build further support systems and create lasting infrastructure for future generations to enjoy. According to park officials the fossilized turd is slowly eroding due to limitless foot traffic during the heat of the summer. 

The dinosaur turd reportedly gets slippery when it rains and can become difficult to negotiate, especially for the feeble-minded.

     “While the turd is closed we will conduct further excavations and build a Velcro footpath with handrails on both sides for safety, said one ranger. “The dinosaurs we’ve been digging up are even larger than some of the RVs I’ve seen on the road this summer. It’s flat amazing! I wonder if the reptiles had to take a driver’s test to operate.”

 – Melvin Tool, Jurassic statistician.

Mayberry Ghost Visits Police Academies

(Malfunction) The ghost of Andy Taylor paid a call on a host of Colorado police academies this week expressing concern over the current state of affairs between law enforcement and the people. 

     The legendary lawman and longtime sheriff of Mayberry, North Carolina told recruits that the us vs them philosophy was all wrong and that the public were not a bunch of criminals like they are told at the academies. He encouraged the police to adopt the concept of serve and protect instead of the current line which separates both parties.

     Students at Police State here questioned the validity of the visit saying that if the citizenry simply stayed in their homes there would not be a problem.

     “We never had any of those academies in Mayberry or even over in Mount Pilot and everything seemed to run smoothly,” stressed Taylor. “If I needed a deputy I had Gomer or even Guber in the wings. They already knew everyone in town and could perform their job without prejudice or profiling. Even little Opie knows what the result will be when we start banding together in armed camps.”

     Speaking at the Augusto Pinochet Police College in nearby Fruita, Taylor told anyone listening that the people are not the enemy and that the police were losing the respect of their constituency.

     “The cop on his beat is a thing of the past,” said Taylor. “Now they just drive around looking for drunks.”      

– Barney Fife

Immaculate Conception a Daily Occurrence by 2028?

(Vatican City) In a shocking departure from accepted Church doctrine, Congolese Cardinal Vance Van Boope today told the faithful that immaculate conception would be commonplace in a few years and within the grasp of the poor before the end of the decade.

     The process on impregnation without intimacy, for centuries reserved only for the mother of Jesus Christ, may very well change the status of parents and birth control within the hierarchy of the Roman Church. The recognition of whispered ideology as a part of the mainstream is clearly a breakthrough in theology and the application of the Commandments.

     “The power of positive thinking can achieve great things,” said Van Boope, “but I think we’re still operating backwards since overpopulation and not methodology is the chronic problem on the planet. In short, it is not important how the egg is fertilized but that another new soul is on the way to a social system that is failing to support its client-based family tree. Genetics can be heartless. Physical laws cannot be ignored.”

     The expansion of infallibility, stamped with the Papal Imprimatur, came during a break in the fighting which has claimed millions of lives in the mineral-rich Congo since 1990. Gold-soaked warlords trade away the country’s future for sophisticated weapons while child soldiers hump the bush and peasants starve in refugee camps, often ignored by the rest of the world.

     “The new explanations do not excuse anyone from responsibility as parents or overshadow existing moral standards,” said Van Boope. 

     The action is seen by secular thinkers as an attempt to relax certain long-held beliefs that have become inconsequential and juvenile. 

     “It is our attempt to counsel our congregations by separating fantasy from reality yet holding tight to the reins,” said the Cardinal. – St. Roscoe of Preakness 

“These presidential ninnies should stick to throwing out baseballs and leave the important matters to serious people.” – Gore Vidal

From the editor’s pen…

As she lowered her slinky babushka I noticed the third eye, the eye of a shortstop right in the center of the infield…Curiously I was drawn to this woman, of Russian peasant stock, and a cannon for a right arm. I tried repeatedly to google her but each time she threw the brushback pitch a little tighter. Her propensity for survival in these lusty times indicates prosperity in the wake of a poor performance by the middle relief corps…

     Oops! I hope you’ll excuse my meanderings into erotic sports literature. Since the demand has surfaced on the Internet I have been trying to squeeze a few more dollars out of this bandy-legged economy. Now let me move over to my editor’s desk. I don my Mr. Rogers cardigan, adjust my spats, have a sip of writer’s juice and light my pipe. Ready to go.

Warm salutations to the survivors of a planet gone completely mad. The saving grace is that the world actually went nuts about a million years ago. We are only the latest episode, our circumstances hurried along by the Big ‘Ol Information Age . I remember when as a kid my grandfather told me to go out in the garden and fill a bucket of potatoes for dinner. Now I’m filling up pages in a newspaper. Pretty much the same to me (but you can eat the spuds). Both have a clear destination in mind although I cannot pinpoint it at this time.   

You don’t want to get carried away with yourself in either case. That awareness alone staves off madness and deer flies too, if you’re lucky.

I’m so relieved and glad that we had this little chat…clear the air and all. Right now the air is smokey with fires raging. We can’t even see Uncompahgre from the Colona Skunkworks! The wind continues to flow with the traffic on Highway 550 Pinball. Maybe if we all just stayed indoors nature could figure herself out.

Brushing off mounting accusations of chronic bemusement and shoddy workmanship, we are delighted to present another thoughtful yet mindless trip into the wonderful window of words. Most of the stories were penned by starving summer interns who are kept in chicken coops and fed weevil-ridden oatmeal and meatball lattes, while working far into the fetching night. Here are a few highlights:

Despite titanic efforts, our story “Giant snails panacea for sprawl in South Florida?” is moving rather slowly and has been replaced by a photo essay entitled “GMOs – They’re not just muscle cars anymore!” which should entice racing fans out there a group that spends an inordinate amount of its expendable income on sunglasses and rubber.

Closer to home, here in Puritania, we document problems encountered when large visitors attempt to get out of their cars in Ouray’s new mini parking spots. Then we follow along on the Strawberry Path arriving at our popular “Tales of the Brave Hempsmen” accented by “Ptarmigan in Trauma” and a short piece about a Montrose man who translates Leo Tolstoy into conversational Zulu for fun.

Here’s an excerpt from the serial portion: “It appeared to many that O’Toole was still off about a half-click off since his free-fall from a hollow bar stool in Balombolo, Antioquia. Blaming the metric system for his descent, the scribe hit the wood, his cell phone going off simultaneously, a little too close to his forehead.” 

What would you expect from the member of a social order prone to jigs and lullabies?  

According to the evangelical professional wrestler who lives upstairs from my office, O’Toole is proof that evolution is a fairy tale. With the failure of his new invention, Snowboarder in a Box, the part-time grappler has threatened to produce a rival humor rag which he intends to call Western Colorado Job Opportunities. Look for it soon.

Now we’d like to welcome Bicycle Bill, Hummingbird Harriet, Bear Bait Betty and I’m in a Hurry Harry to these summer mountains. Tip # 611: If your waitperson has the personality of a dead herd animal why not rough it a little and eat at one of the many chuck-wagon barbecues that pop up every summer. You know the kind where the old grizzle hasn’t washed his apron, his hands or his opinions since 1957.    

 And if that’s not enough to tip your apple cart we have strong indications that the Rapture may have already gone down. If you weren’t taken up maybe your sincerity was deemed lacking. Peruse your options in this month’s feature piece and better luck next time.

 In closing, we would like to thank the lovely angels over at Red’s Gravy Heaven for the kim chi cheese rolls and aged mango cider. Terra incognita, damas!

A PUNCTUAL EAVESDROPPING

(The following is an opportunity to listen in on grammar where it lives, in the sentences and paragraphs of the English language. Herein you will be privy to the insider’s access as punctuation marks discuss another day on the job. Caution: Please be quiet so as not to frighten the commas or startle the semicolons.)

Comma: Crap. Can’t these people get it straight? What with these run on sentences I can’t get caught up. Don’t they know when to use a period? Back when I was in school they taught you how to construct a sentence and determine who was doing what to whom by the placement of the predicate and the action verb without concern for a lot of fluffy adjectives and dangling participles that had to be diagrammed up at the chalk board while the teacher looked on with that dangerous pointer in her hand and… 

Question mark: What?

Period: Hey, comma, don’t bring periods into this. Sure, I’m on call but I don’t even put my pants on until the sentence is completed. There’s a sense of finality. At the end of the day, I can see that my work has been finished.

Parenthesis: Socrates, Pericles, Xerxes…Aristophanes, Sophocles, 

Oracles…Parentheses. Pretty good company, heh?

Comma: Ego…eeeze. All she does is enclose part of the sentence, which might easily have been omitted. It’s not as if she’s really making a difference, creating anything…but she’s attractive all right. Just look at those curves.

Period: Mindless. It could be worse. There could be two of her. Then we’re dealing with interpolation independent of the surrounding syntactical structure.

Semicolon: That sounds like a clause for alarm. Get it…clause?

Hyphen: Move out of the way. Move out of the way! I’ve got to get to the end of this line. We have got broken words down there. Quite a mess, you know. Move aside, gangway…

Question mark: Where?

Comma: I used to be a hyphen, before I went back to night school. I just couldn’t imagine a lifelong career linking compound words.

Period: Bush league at best.

Comma: Tedious. All that running from one line to the other just to link words that have expressed a desire to remain independent. The language is forever emerging, changing. You savvy?

Semicolon: Yes, I’ve had graduate study…How do you think that top dot got there?

Question mark: How?

Period: I thought it was a typo.

Apostrophe: Cut the proprietary whining. You guys carry far too much baggage but no real weight. I’m the one who substitutes for omitted letters and shows possessive case in nouns. One little mark in the wrong place changes everything.

Comma: Nouns…They are so self-centered, so predicated.

Semicolon: I once knew a verb who could twist herself into an adjective, then back to an adverb, before returning to her original status. Talk about tense! I could tell she was a bit irregular but when I found out she was intransitive I knew it would never work.

Period: Was she copulative?

Question mark: Who?

Semicolon: None of your business. She was in limited contexts, but finite was not in her vocabulary. I don’t know if I was in love or just eager to conjugate.

Dash: Sudden breaks! Sudden breaks? I used to be in demand. Now I’ve got to hustle work. What is this English language coming to anyway? It’s bad enough most of them can’t speak in the proper verb tense and often use the wrong word in speech. It’s downright embarrassing to watch them spell phonetically, never mind mastering another tongue…

Comma: There will always be brackets and principle clauses to take care of these kinds of people. Just be glad you’re a punctuation mark and you’re ruled by very distinct circumstances. These people who use us are still trying to figure out where to put the period…in the case of quotation marks…”

Quotation mark: “Did someone call me?”

Apostrophe: Pompous ass, talking in quotes. Before long he’ll be speaking in italic.

Parentheses: You mean like this?

Quotation mark: I just don’t get the attraction or the slant as it were.

Exclamation point: Sentence construction at eleven o’clock! All hands on deck!

Question mark: When?

Period: Is that an indirect question? Don’t just stand there: It’s probably one of us that they want at the end of the sentence. Grab a couple of commas and a semicolon and follow me!

FULL STOP