Author Archive for M. Toole
Police Visibility On Upswing
Local authorities are hopeful that an increased visual police presence will help discourage gang activities, the meth epidemic and traffic congestion in Montrose. The larger than life letters can be seen from 35 strategic spots in the city and from outer space.
NOW YOU CAN JERK YOUR DEPARTED LOVED ONES
The consecrated funeral industry has been driven to its knees today with the announcement that the bereaved can now jerky their dearly departed.
The somewhat drastic, yet prudent, escape from tradition and common procedure has been approved by the USFDA, the International Brotherhood of Meatpackers and the Latin American Council on Land Use among others. Even NASA has nodded a vague approval while the Rocky Mountain Association of Cattlemen has enthusiastically supporting the new technology.
It is a safe and cheaper alternative to burials or even cremations.
Jerkosuction—Innovative yet Controversial
The process has been condemned as communist and unpatriotic by the funeral industry name here and Congressmen on their payroll.
“Jesus wants you to bury your dead relatives,” said one funeral director who works nights as a preacher in a Bethesda strip mall. “There’s nothing in the Bible about jerking anything.”
In a backward society that has only recently accepted cremation as a viable alternative to burial, the concept of jerky in this context is alarming to many. The thought of a final farewell sans limos, flowers and caskets is often unsettling but the families of the departed generally accept a logical consensus when they compare the cost and the ritual, the morose and the flamboyant, the the church bell payola.
“Most death arrangements in Western society are barbaric in that they fail to celebrate the life of the departed one,” said Dr. Stillton Winkewoode of Director of Swimming Orgasms at Cal Amari Institute. Winkewoode, author of the best-selling paperback “The Jerky Method”, is recognized as the father alternative meat curing and creative preservation. The Winkewoode method is employed in all 50 states and, at the time of this writing, in Grand Junction.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
26 Lanes on Highway 550
Division of Transportation Projections are calling for 26 new lanes from Montrose to Placerville. 24 lanes will be designated for southbound traffic in the morning and 24 will be used exclusively for northbound traffic in the afternoon. The work should be completed by Christmas Eve according to someone’s projections, and “not hamper” motorists as it has for the tourist season.
Psychological Studies of Men in Public Restrooms
By Dr Joyce Bothers and Dr. Ruth Westhymen
Forgoing concern that the following behavioral, literary renderings might fall into the wrong hands, (i.e. the illiterate, the young, the elderly), here is the next segment of “village by village” sociological roundabout, searching for the fool’s paradise on the edge of ecstasy.
EXCITABLE: Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole. Rips clothing in stressful dilemma.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends for a leak whether he needs to go or not.
NOSY: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
CROSS-EYED: Looks into the urinal at left, uses center urinal, flushes urinal on right. Upset that he cannot find the right paper towel rack or hand dryer.
TIMID: Cannot urinate if someone else is watching. Flushes urinal as if business concluded only to double back and pee when he is alone. This neurosis can expand if not confronted. Some men can’t urinate if there is someone else in the room, the building, the parking lot, the county…
INDIFFERENT: If all urinals are occupied he goes in the sink.
CLOWN: Look! No hands. He shows off adjusting tie, looks around at mess on floor as if someone else is responsible.
WORRIED: Not sure what he’s been doing of late. Makes flash inspection while standing at urinal.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up and down urinal. Tries to hit fly.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, undoes belt, unties shoes, wets pants.
DISGUSTED: Stands for a long while before giving up and walking over to the sink.
CHILDISH: Leaks directly into urinal bottom for utmost bubble affect.
PATIENT: Stands ultra-close to urinal, reads newspaper with free hand.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he must perform number two and exits into the stall where he does both functions in one sitting.
FAST: Stands back to take long swath at the urinal, blindly missing and peeing on shoes.
LITTLE: Stands up on box or uses kids’ pisser only to fall in and nearly drown.
WITHDRAWN: Places feet in urinal, goes down leg eliminating noise.
– Manuel Flushe
Shark Attacks Add to Offshore Banking Woes
(Bermuda Triangle) A sudden rise in violent shark attacks had thrown yet another wrench in off-shore banking operations already beset by rising water and even an occasional pirate incursion in the Caribbean.
The fish seem to have turned more aggressive as the deposits grow. They have been blamed for serious interruption of cash flow and several deaths in the lower berths of this tax evasive banking industry team. In addition many accounts, established as long ago as 1990 have simply floated away due to rising ocean levels, leaving global depositors crying salty tears, holding little more than a soggy bag.
Then, if this wasn’t already jeopardizing the wavering banking system, pirates have fallen upon particularly flamboyant or audacious accounts and have snatched stragglers as well as very tempting young or wounded balance sheets, making off with millions, according to experts on the water.
“These terrorists are the final straw,” said John Me, comptroller at one of the larger offshore establishments. “They have tipped the scale and we are petitioning the federal gov’ment (yeah the same one that we’re ripping off) to send troops.”
Me expressed concern that the terrorists might soon have nuclear weapons that could be put to use to seize the whole ball of wax.
“Somebody needs to do something before it’s too late,” he stressed. “We would take matters into our own hands but we’re too busy being rich and greedy.”
Historically the primary annoyance has always been tiger and hammerhead sharks with ominous fins and a big mouth full of razor teeth. This is not some metaphor regarding fiscal brethren stateside, but cold-blooded, apex ocean predators who have no regard for the thrill of ill gotten gains on the tax block. Now the makos seem to be engaging in regular feeding frenzies. Some experts are suggesting that the frightening fish have come to like the smell of money.
Swimmers wearing shiny jewelry or splashing around excessively can provoke shark attacks. Generally the fish feed in the morning and at night although an occasional afternoon snack is not out of the question.
Then the rising sea adds its two cents, washing away accumulated wealth like wee field mice in an epic tidal wave. The result of warmed temperatures on the earth, the high water has seeped into areas thought safe from both natural conditions and government interventions.
“Thin of all that money sinking to the ocean floor,” said Me. “It’s enough to make a person crazy,” Me winced, slipping into snorkel, goggles and fins. “All this talk of pirates, sharks and greed makes me homesick for Wall Street” – Fred Zeppelin
