Author Archive for M. Toole
Could there be the answer herein?
poster by Jeff Brown Real Alaska Magazine
IN THE GRASP RULE ANGERS HERDS
(Norwood) A few changes will be painfully apparent during this year’s hunting season, according to a spokesman for a local deer coalition here. Most controversial are the “in-the-grasp” ruling and the travel restrictions imposed on herd animals during October and November.
The in-the-grasp ruling declares that all herd animals are technically down when they are hit. Game wardens are certain that attempts to escape after this juncture will only lead to further problems and that the animals would be better off giving up for their own protection. It is hoped that this new rule will sharply decrease the time spent tracking wounded prey and more time spending money in recreational pursuits downtown.
Mandatory travel restrictions, strict by herd standards, are designed to prevent deer and elk from seeking sanctuary in areas not accessed by Colorado hunting licenses. Proponents of the plan feel that if the game animals leave Colorado, it will be tough to attract hunters to our state. The travel restrictions will be enforced as animal behaviorists hope to convince local herds that things would be no better in Utah or Wyoming. Those states promote hunting too, sans the millions of dollars in benefits provided by the Centennial State.
A majority of the game animals polled feel that the in-the-grasp ruling negates the animal’s natural ability to avoid the final obituary status by whatever means necessary. Most agree that hopping around on three legs beats the hell out of being served in a bowl with beans, tomatoes and onions.
Complaints run rampant when it comes to the geographical demands made by the DOW and others. The deer and elk feel that they are already doing more than their share to insure a successful hunt. Most feel trapped, disillusioned.
“As a dominant bull I feel I should be free to pursue a nomadic lifestyle without a pass from some government official,” said John Doe, a six-point elk from Redvale. “I see no sport in waiting around to get shot by a bunch of jokers in a jacked-up 4 x 4.”
Doe, a veteran of over a dozen fall campaigns, says hunters should be forced to track quarry on foot and that the use of pack animals and dogs to pursue game is hairline cannibalism.
Link Hedges on Political Endorsements
(Pomona, CO — Genetics For Life — Sept 2016)
In a rare departure from departures, The Missing Link today declined to endorse any politician for office in November. Evading reporters while dodging a troop of police officers intent on his capture, the swaggering Link continually defied gravity and the laws of space and time.
Redefining the playing surface, the Missing Link, a master of multi-tasking, showed both innovation and good taste in his spurious action. His curious fan base, waiting patiently outside for a glimpse of their hero, endorsed the decision chanting Free the Link and the disconcerting Link, Link, Link…
“He exhibited a masterfully conceived plan of noncommittal avoidance peppered with mumbled double-talk, steering clear of attempts to fence him in on the subject the coming elections.,” said a supporter who had hoped for something more solid from the Link. “Many of us had hoped for a conclusive announcement on his current leanings and even the declaration of his candidacy.”
As he shirked, skirted and side-stepped the issues the Grand Equivocator remained one step ahead of the law. He is wanted in three states for questioning about rogue metaphysics and the origin of the species. After the encounter the Link jumped a 20-foot security fence, slid rat-like under a tight-lipped glass door for and gracefully slithered into a civic fountain where he then vanished.
Police are stepping up operations and beefing up their presence around Pamona Aviary where informants say he is taking flying lessons.
“The world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.” – Horace Walpole
Winter’s on the prowl in Crested Butte
Despite what it feels like on Elk Avenue today be advised that the Iceman cometh…but so does skiing. Life ain’t all too bad. (O’Toole of the Andes Photo Service)
