Author Archive for M. Toole
FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING
(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode.
ALL THE TEA IN CHINA – A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai cablevision installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.
COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 1997 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks and marsh wasp impersonators promise the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of rice.
GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in Columbus, Ohio.
JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of ice tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.
WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jiveless ex-Welfare family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve.
THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District and the price of vermouth skyrockets.
HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Telluride. Joe’s nuclear cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate.
ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 80th birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.
SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and eats the Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy for lunch.
HUNTERS TAKE 7,000-POUND ELK
(California Mesa Bigger is Best News November 25, 2016)
Texas hunters today nailed what is probably the largest bull elk ever seen around these parts. Weighing in at just over 7,000 pounds the wapiti charged right into the record books outpacing all former competitors. His status as deceased will not create a negative impact on the accolade.
Biologists circulating the region suggest that the giant elk may have wandered over the plateau from the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) after feasting on tailings from uranium days.
“Sometimes exposure to radium has adverse effects on wildlife, as well as humans, said one biologist. “Those boys (the hunters) won’t be hungry for a long time.”
It was later learned that the hunters would keep the trophy rack and donate the meat to a local cafe.
“Tis an old maxim in the schools, that flattery’s the food of fools. Yet now and then your men of wit, will condescend and take a bit.”
– Jonathan Swift in Cadenus and Vanessa
Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks
(Ouray, CO Don’t Bug Me Press November 24, 2016)
Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the early summer.
Late rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.
Most say they are already looking forward to spring.
The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.
Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.
-Syd Fardt
“Next to a circus there ain’t nothin’ that packs up and tears out quicker than the Christmas spirit.” – Ken Hubbard
And don’t be late either!
Infomercial by Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine
The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues
Brought to you in living black and white by O’Hara’s Foot Powder. Ask for it by name at your friendly kapellmeister.
The scene: The Cleavers house at the dinner table
Jane: Don’t be such a stuffed shirt, Tarzan. You haven’t seen Ward Cleaver since the war.
Tarzan: Not like Ward. Him know-it-all.
Jane: Ssssh. Here they come now. Hello June. Hello Ward. Hello boys. My the boys are getting bigger everyday.
Wally: A miracle of modern biology.
June: Now Wally that’s no way to speak at the table.
Ward: I always say, the manners learned at the dinner table will dictate the kind of man…
Wally: Shut up, Ward.
Tarzan: This wildebeast tough, June. How long dead?
Jane: Tarzan! I’m surprised at you. It’s not wildebeest. It’s fried marmot.
June: Oh, that’s OK, Jane. I may have mixed up the zip-lock packages from the freezer. It does have that wildebeest texture…Hmmm, but the package clearly said marmot…
Beaver: Someday I hope to be the curator of paleontology here at the community college.
Ward: Good boy, Beaver. That’s the stuff! I always say, dinner etiquette formulates later behavior patters. Why, even if a young man eats nothing but humus he can still open a can of tuna or grill a biscuit.
Wally: Kiss off, Ward.
June: Wally…
Tarzan: Wally OK, June. I used to have same problem with Cheetah until I borrow cattle prod from Ubangis.
Ward: Beaver! Get a shirt on! What’s the matter with you!
Beaver: Tarzan’s not wearing a shirt.
June: But, dear that’s part of his costume.
Wally: Yeah, Beave, like Donald Duck not wearing pants.
Ward: So, Tarzan, are you on line yet?
Tarzan: On lion?
June: Oh, Ward, don’t be silly. We’ve seen all of your films, Tarzan. I particularly liked the one where the locals were chasing Jane and you called out the elephants. All that testosterone! Do apes really ride ostriches?
Wally: What a geek. Ask her about her two-piece loincloth. Pretty risqué for the Forties, wouldn’t you say?
Beaver: Thanks for dinner, mom. Can I go over to Whitey’s and read dirty magazines?
June: Yes, dear, just so long as you’ve finished your homework.
Ward: Excuse yourself, son.
Wally: He’s trying to, dad.
June: Now Wally…remember your manners.
Ward: Yes, Wally, table manners have everything to do with…
Wally: Shove it, Ward.
Ward: Well, Tarzan, let’s retire to my study and smoke cigars.
Tarzan: Not politically correct to smoke. Not politically correct to depict women as servants and domestic support entities…
Ward: Say what? This is the Fifties. It’s OK. It’s even expected.
Wally: Great humus, mom. I’m going over to Lumpy’s and shoot heroin.
June: Be home early, Wally. It’s a school night.
THE END
Packer Reunion Set
(Lake City Daze Gone By November , 2016)
The semi-annual Alfred Packer family reunion has been rescheduled to the last weekend in November to be more in keeping with the original weather from momentous occasions gone by.
According to the Hinsdale County Sheriff’s Office more than 400 people, who claim to be at least shirttail relatives of the famous cannibal, will enjoy baked beans, potato salad, corn-on-the-cob, coleslaw, Jell-O salad, watermelon, lemonade, and marshmallows.
Meat in any form was conspicuously missing from the menu.
Participants have already filed for a permit to use some 30 acres in the nearby San Juan National Forest, east of Creede. All have filed documents asserting that they have not and will not engage in survival activities that might be deemed offensive, even repulsive to mainstream America. Relatives will host an open house on November 15 to answer questions and calm fears as to plans in the woods.
Cannibals are people too, in fact it can be argued that they are super people,” said Gayle Packer, a supposed great, great grand niece of the famous Packer. “I am here today to tell you that all cannibals are not bad.”
A tongue-in-cheek vegetarian barbecue, featuring carrots, barley, broccoli, asparagus, corn, squash, potatoes, black beans and rice as well as a freshly fattened vegetarian (cooked over a bed of simmered coals) will be served free of charge on Tuesday night.
Expected at this year’s reunion are descendants of the victims George Noon, James Humphrey and Israel Swan (all alleged Packer finger food). All of these men had managed to procreate before meeting up with Packer, thus insuring that their surnames, at least, survived the nauseating picnic.
Former Civil War veteran Al Packer was indicted in 1883 after he confessed that he had murdered Shannon Wilson Bell in self-defense (for the second time) and had eaten several Democrats in 1874, during an aborted journey from the Ute Camp of Chief Ouray to the goldfields of Breckenridge, some 125 miles away. Although convicted of every crime within his reach he reportedly died in his bed of indigestion in Littleton in 1907.
As to Packer’s odd capacity for survival, he not only escaped from jail in Saguache (certainly no small accomplishment) but he also managed to hideout until March of 1883 when he was once more arrested in connection with a banquet of crimes. He subsequently served 17 years at Colorado State Penitentiary where he was a model prisoner.
He finally won his release in 1900 thanks to attorneys for the Colorado Restaurant Association that, figuring he was more of a public relations problem in jail than out, paid the legal fees. Further memory places Packer back in Littleton where he was hit by a tourist bus and succumbed to injuries in 1909. Other accounts record him successfully winning the Hinsdale County Commissioners race in 1906, barely edging out professional wrestling standout Tub “No Neck” Carl Sr. by 3 votes.
– Uncle Pahgre
“One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity.” – Andrew Carnegie
