Author Archive for M. Toole

Pot Plants Threaten Colombian Villages

A giant, aggressive ganga strain is kilometers away from three defesneless villages in Quindio this morning. The rapidly reproducing cannabis stalks appeared, as if overnight in many of these remarkably beautiful valleys. Authorities, hard-pressed to take action, said they hoped the dryer weather would slow the plants’ progression. Local police fear that the swooning weed may be detrimental to humans and wreck havoc on their communities. “We should have listened to Jeff Sessions,” said one mayor sipping coffee downtown.

Colorado man runs fishing boat into White House

SECURITY BREAKDOWN BLAMED

(Washington) Melvin Toole started out the day fishing for breakfast in the Gunnison River and ended up catching hell for dinner on the White House lawn. Now he can barely recognize his crumpled 1943 Henway tuna boat, which mysteriously crashed into the White House yesterday. The incident, which took place on the heels of a similar intrusion last month, has sent shockwaves through the inner sanctum of the Secret Service and left local police baffled.

“I don’t have any answers either,” flinched Toole as he was questioned by authorities last night. “One minute I was cruising the Gunnison in my extended cab, double-barrel, aluminum tuna boat and the next I was on the East Coast. I must have taken a wrong turn at Leaps Gulch, but I don’t remember crossing the Rockies or the Mississippi either.”

Questions over White House security, voiced after a renegade airplane crashed into the same building in September, have once again been asked with all sorts of government agencies denying blame for this recent episode.

“The Department of Transportation blames the Secret Service while the Secret Service blames NASA, who in turn is pointing the finger at the local DC cops,” said on White House aide. “Meanwhile nobody around here is getting anything done. What else is new?” he laughed.

Toole, a former daredevil trapeze artist turned sous chef, is being held in lieu of bond at an undisclosed location. He is expected to be tortured tomorrow.

Fortunately for some, the First Family were not at home at the time of the crash

Some 30 healthy kokanee, which had been snagged by Toole prior to his departure from Colorado, were presented to a throng of homeless persons gathering on Pennsylvania Avenue. These unfortunates had assembled to listen to some self-proclaimed prophet sing the praises of pyramid marketing. The fish, which fed some 200 people, was a bonus

Toole, who is wanted in Wyoming for impersonating a damp bale of hay, told authorities that he would fight any charges brought against him. If convicted, the intruder could face harsh sentencing: His choice of either 30 lashes or a four-corpse dinner with the president.

“I’m not a terrorist!” he bellowed, adding that he hoped the Trumps had collision insurance.

– Small Mouth Bess

PEOPLE NEED MORE SLEEP IN SPRING, SAYS DOC

(Snorewood) The average human requires more sleep at the change of seasons than during the rest of the year according to one bloated authority on the subject. Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, author of Cat Naps, Siestas and Blackouts, told a group of insomniacs here that due to energy shifts and the onset of cold weather the body descends into a semi-hibernation pattern not unlike that one experienced by other fur-bearing mammals.

“Ignoring this bodily function can lead to depression and illness,” said Pennywhistle. “One must learn to properly respond when the body makes demands of this nature. Fighting off fatigue in favor of career considerations or in order to honor social obligations can be devastating.”

Pennywhistle estimates that the average, healthy human may require up to 22 hours of sleep per day with many getting by with as few as 18 hours in a 24-hour period.

“Put that Protestant work ethic out to pasture this time of the year and resign yourself to some horizontal therapy,” said the doctor who added that “just spending extended time in bed, especially when engaging in amorous behavior, will not fill the bill when good old-fashioned rest is what is needed.”

– Rocky Flats

NRA BLASTS TROPHY HUNTERS

(Montrose) The National Rack Association today condemned trophy hunters as heartless brutes who are more interested in decorating their walls than harvesting food or the romance of the hunt. The organization called on all bucks and bulls in the region to resist the temptation to fraternize with hunters of all kinds.

“It’s often an ego thing on the part of the male of the species,” explained one NRA organizer. “The animal imagines himself adorned on the wall, admired by all, but forgets that he must make some mortal sacrifices to get there.”

The NRA, a non-profit, just like the National Rifle Association, was formed in 1977 in an attempt to help herd animals deal with the annual fall stress. In its charter it clearly states that “although we find carnivores repulsive we cannot change our degrading status on the food chain. We are not naive enough to expect to end centuries of this ritual but rather we are in business to preserve the honor of our species and promote mental health within the ranks of the survivors.”

It’s simple enough, according to a former taxidermist who is now active within the NRA: “Although not an easy task most of the herd animals can deal with humans cooking them up with potatoes and carrots. It’s the mutilation for decoration mentality that the animals find offensive.”

-Gabby Haze

Blue collar plot would drop 10,000 bowling balls on White House

The sky isn’t falling yet, despite the efforts of a group of angry blue-collar workers who police say planned to rain down bowling balls on the White House.

The assault on the power point had reportedly been planned for a weekday when Trump wouldn’t be playing golf in Florida. Police remain baffled as to the details but concluded that “someone was pissed”. The alleged weapon, estimated to be thousands of bowling balls, has not been located. The heavy balls are believed to be hidden somewhere between Toledo and Detroit.

In connecting the dots on this crime of gravity the authorities confirmed that over 50 helicopters would be in the air above the presidential residence until the culprits are brought to justice.

And that’s not all. Remember the Chinese space lab, Tiangong-1, that has been orbiting the earth since 2017? It is expected to crash down to earth in latitudes corresponding to the location of the White House. The reentry is expected in early April.

In stepping up security in and around the famous residence police found mounds of broken pottery shards scattered all over the chief executive’s office. Whether this was a precursor to a quick departure for parts unknown.

Sorry to have mislead you…

In last night’s edition we erroneously reported that our man was Toole chased through Bogota (Colombia) Airport by small, unidentified men wearing Jeff Sessions masks. This may not be entirely true: After cross-examination it turned out to be just a dream enabled by late night arepas with sardines, aguardiente and chocolate ice cream.

We hope that our reader will continue to trust us to provide only the truth herein, as standard bearer for what is clean, concise veracity in the dissemination of information. We pledge fidelity, integrity and dedication with regards to the Truth of the Day despite the fact that it often runs the gamut between bad fish and stale upside-down cake.

-Editor