Author Archive for M. Toole
GOD HOLDING BACK ON DAMAGE DEPOSIT
In a rare proviso, the Big Boys in Heaven, have resolutely ordained that the damage deposit on earth, allegedly paid by one Adam and his wife Eve (no last name given) many centuries ago, will not be returned.
Judged to be authentic even though it had no return address, the dictatorial edict is expected to have far-reaching affects. If the caveat is put in motion it would almost certainly cause frantic migrations, a food crisis and could throw flags and nationalism into the toilet.
The undisclosed sum, held in trust for thousands of years, was an integral part of the overall agreement signed when humans first rented the planet. The amount in question was not made public although with economic factors such as inflation and interest, experts say it is somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 trillion dollars.
Several in Congress are attempting to make contact with the Landlord but to no avail. Even politicians who claim to talk to God everyday are perplexed and frustrated by the turn of events.
“They should have seen this coming,” said one environmental activist. “They moved in to a perfectly clean, well stocked, paradise but trashed the place.”
Another was not so kind.
“I don’t know why an all-knowing being allowed them to continue to live there,” said an EPA official who demanded anonymity. “I’d have kicked their arses out the first time they were late on a rent payment.
“The United States,” he said, is the worst perpetrator since that country had the ways and means to combat the growing disaster and did little preferring to adopt a tragic ideology saying that everything on earth was for their consumption without peril.”
Authorities were hesitant to confirm the obvious. The humans, they say, have done some wonderful things while inheriting the earth and that “we are dedicated to making it a better place for all.”
Many in Congress see the foggy move as a bluff, saying that God would have a tough time finding renters for such a large property. They stressed that the communique was in code and quite vague depending on how one read it.
“We need to make a deal with Him and secure a few indications of what’s up next. Those monies are earmarked for our next pay raise.”
An earthly spokesman for the Heavens (We certainly have an overrun) says he believes God is quite serious about the breakup.
“The sore points,” he flinched, “revolve around the destruction of the seas, the uneven distribution of wealth, over-population, the ozone, the celebration of ignorance, programmed fear, rampant distrust, and mindless greed.”
“There is a whole roster within The 7 Deadly Sins. You could look it up,” he said
“You’ll see that money when hell freezes over,” continued the notice which stopped short of demanding immediate evacuation. “Evictions in some of the more ravaged regions will begin shortly.”
Several aborigine societies clustered around the globe will be exempt from the house cleaning, since their civilization has coexisted with natural laws as part of the framework of their civilization. Insiders suggest that these enlightened, often nomadic clans could inherit the whole ball of wax by virtue of an option to buy clause written into the next lease.
“You humans are already in his cross hairs. Nobody up here much like you since you have no respect for the gifts given you. Dialogues de sourds (conversations of the deaf) will do nothing but antagonize heaven, a pleasant enough place many of you scoundrels will never see even from your Hummers and private jets.”
This morning a United Nations’ partisan commission was set up to review the situation. Members appeared clearly overwhelmed as to what a first step may constitute, according to seraphs familiar with omnipresent thinking patterns. After a few speeches and impotent motions the lawmakers adjourned for an extravagant luncheon featuring dolphin steaks, sea turtle soup, whooping crane meringue with flambéed sea otter, and an assortment of other known intelligent delicacies, once deemed endangered species.
– Uncle Pahgre
More on Textual Harassment Case
Earlier this week Sarah Huckabee Sanders claimed that President Trump called her “a squat parasite, a pandering imbecile, a spineless charlatan (and) severely damaged goods. He then concluded that, “When they are passing out brains she was out of town”.
Despite the alleged assaults the Press Secretary will remain at her post. Instead of defending anyone, critics were amazed and distracted in that the president had such a firm grasp of the English language.
“This some of most clever, albeit biting, rhetoric that has ever flown from the mouth of President,” said Ernestine Warhole, respected editor of the Prince George (County) Defender. “It reminds us of Millard Filmore way back in 1850 when he allegedly called his short-lived Secretary of War “a trebling nincompoop that couldn’t find his ass if he had a map.”
“You may be my only serious readers,” – Melvin O’Toole when detained by border patrol at El Paso, TX, May 23, 1968. Later testimony proved the feds had it out for the scribe after he publication of his book “Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings” which they say is a vicious attack on the established order, while O’Toole insists his literary efforts revolve around recording the history of minor league baseball along the Ohio River (1937 – 2000)
GARDENING MAGAZINES CAN LEAD TO DEPRESSION IN HIGH COUNTRY
High Altitude Blues
(Dallas Divide) Reading gardening magazines this time of the year can lead to serious depression according to a local psychologist. People who habitually peruse these glossy periodicals run the risk of embracing serious doldrums after looking at pictures of colorful flowers and green grass, then glancing outside at leftover, often discolored, windswept snow.
“The safest way to handle this potential problem is to wait until about May or even June to examine these magazines,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a local circuit shrink whose practice spans an area from Lizard Head Pass to Sargents. “Every year, despite our frank warnings, we treat more and more people for this malady.”
Pennywhistle says that the condition often surfaces as early as February, after the first warm weather descends on the area.
“These spectacular days are nothing but teasers, as most of us know,” he said, “but somehow our subconscious convinces us that winter is over and summer is on the way. This is dangerous ground on which to proceed, even if it is beginning to thaw out.”
Pennywhistle suggests that gardening enthusiasts pull the drapes and stay inside if they feel compelled to expose themselves to these drastic contrasts. He suggests daily sessions with all kinds of of fertilizer followed up by nightly soil inhalants.
Adding that the practice of sending more chronic cases to the Amazon for a month has worked in the past but that newer, more potent, cases of the blues have began surfacing a few years ago.
“Geographical therapy is less and less effective. This depressed state is not good for other people and plants who have to deal with this sadness on a day to day basis either. It affects entire communities. If the truth be known, I prefer that my clients stick to snowmobile and skiing magazines until at least the Fourth of July .”
– Fred Zeppelin
“Would that the Roman people had a single neck” (to cut off their head) – Emperor Caligula (Gaius Caesar)
WYOMING EXPANDS FOOD CHAIN, FLAUNTS THE EXOTIC
(Cody, Wyoming) Wilderness voices today declared that Wyoming will be the first state to introduce large marsupials* to the western United States. In introducing antilopine kangaroos to its wide-open spaces the Cowboy State continues a tradition of bronco rides in the local legislature as well as on the national stage.
Readers may recall that Wyoming was the first state to pass women’s suffrage in 1869.
The inclusion of kangaroos, wallabies, and koalas would really expand an already diverse cross-section of mammals prowling the place, according to people who spend a lot of time outside in the wind.
The prize acquisition, the kangaroo is known to be tough with his feet, making the species a good bet to survive in the summer, and then migrate to Arizona in the winter.
Wallabies differ from ‘roos in that they burrow and hibernate in their little pouches, often not rising until the Fourth of July. They are the meanest animals on the planet and represent a formidable challenge to hungry wolves and mountain lions. The common Bunbury wallaby is related to Rocky Mountain marmot on their mother’s side of the family.
Koalas, on the other hand are cute and withdrawn. They should enjoy eating all of the eucalyptus trees that cover more than 70% of the territory. The panda-like bear are known to appreciate a nice chicken fried steak, wild asparagus pie, biscuits and gravy, camp beans and a cold beer every so often.
Already some 200 inmates from special plea bargain units of several state prisons are at work building wind fences, securing gated communities and drilling oil wells in apprehension of the needs of their new neighbors. By the time most of these men are released from prison the species should be well entrenched in the region.
“If this experiment goes well we will be in line to adopt several Tasmanian Devils that, in addition to bringing the grace and good taste of Down Under are said to be a hoot on Saturday night,” continued the source. “Lord knows we could use a little excitement around here in April.”
*Of course there are an assortment of opossums on every corner in North America and let us not forget the tiny Biting Microbiothera that is attracted to synthetic fibers and snap beans. This could but probably does not include the more erotic Delphian strains but certainly not bandicoots and bilbies.
– Billy Mosca
Trump races to fire Stormy Daniels
As the sun came up over the Potomac the President announced that he was firing porn star Stormy Daniels, “America’s Sweetheart”, and Jack Daniels too.
Insiders had expected him to appoint Daniels to a safe, placating post within a wavering ethics committee or special liaison to the evangelical element that didn’t even raise and eyebrow to their man’s perverted behavior.
Last night Trump fired the Alfonso, the White House gardener, that brought about an outrage.
“At least he was working. Everyone else on the WH staff just runs around in acceptable circles, afraid for their jobs,” said a slew of Washington watchdogs.
The proposed dismissal, which has no bearing on reality, creates another problem since many males in his base fantasize about Stormy while they sip Jack.
“He is a still a hero to these people,” said a recent Democratic Part release, “because he does what he wants and he is white.”
In a related development, Trump say they will contest a restraining order prohibiting visits to the Statue of Liberty over continued sexual harassment claims.
– Small Mouth Bess
Yuppie Anazazi To Blame For Demise of Mesa Verde?
(Mancos) Young, urban, professional cliff dwellers are being blamed for the passing of the native American culture at Mesa Verde according to archaeologists and doctors here. Basing their theories on a recent dig which netted what most believe to be an early local, the scientists seem convinced that the ancient mystery can now be resolved.
“The upwardly mobile Anazazi sought to acquire second homes, sophisticated time keeping devices, pure-bred dogs, expensive foreign transportation and private schools for their children,” said Dr. Melvin Tool, Medical Director of the Far View Institute just west of here. “This obsession with material goods on the part of the more affluent caused a riff in the social infrastructure and growing resentment among the poorer Anazazi who were sentenced to scraping out a living growing corn, hunting and making jewelry.”
Tool, who is best known as the surgeon who first transplanted the brain of a human into the head of an ape, said the situation at Mesa Verde in about 1100 was much like that of our urban centers today.
“Everyone was abandoning the decaying cliff dwellings for the security of the suburbs,” he shrugged. “How do you think Cortez was founded. Once the wheel is set in motion it is tough to stop it from turning and, make no mistake about it, the Anazazi, like their casino-happy Ute descendents of today, had discovered the wheel!”
When coupled with his analogy to the urban centers Tool’s vast experience with apes comes into play like a runaway hockey puck at an orthodontist’s convention.
Tool writes: “Some three to four hours after we placed the brain of the human into the cranial cavity of the ape a major metamorphosis ensued. The ape, once content to eat bananas and swing on his lonely swing now wanted more. He threw his food at his handler, refused to perform cute tricks and demanded to see a lawyer! After a few days he began abusing his charge card and seeing a therapist. After a week he was a fully reconditioned neurotic much like the man he had almost become.”
The physician equates the behavior of the greedy Yuppie Anazazis to the behavior of the frustrated ape with the newly acquired human brain. With further experimentation Tool and his colleagues hope to isolate extended patterns of abnormal behaviorisms and thus develop a treatment which might deter this conduct in the future.
“We’ll be needing about a truckload of volunteer apes with human brains,” winced Tool, “since it is still illegal to perform experiments of this type on yuppies. If we are successful we might be able to determine the origin of greed in man and make a U-turn on the road to destruction.”
-Princess Irm Peawit
“It’s not just the GOP’s position on pot that is a problem for younger voters. Virtually everything it does offends their sensibilities. Trump pulled out of the Paris climate accord, wants to ban transgender people from the military, is vehemently anti-immigrant (legal and illegal), approved the Muslim ban and a plan to punish so-called sanctuary cities, and tore up net neutrality. His treatment of women is yet another strike against him.”
– Jennifer Rubin writes the Right Turn blog for The Washington Post, offering reported opinion from a conservative perspective. Follow @JRubinBlogger
