Author Archive for M. Toole
All the way with the EPA
And now we have a former coal lobbyist poised to takeover the reigns at the Environmental Protection Agency. The above photo is of New York City prior to EPA restrictions being imposed. Lowering pollution standards nets bad air as this color photo shows. Destroying the planet can be profitable, heh?
Depressants Hailed as Miracle Drug
(Trenchtown) The ever-vigil pharmaceutical industry has taken aim at counteracting the affects of too often employed anti-depressant drug therapy. A breakthrough pill, dubbed the depressant, has been heralded as the antidote for people who are getting too high, and feeling too good on anti-depressant medications.
Considering the high percentage of people currently ingesting happy pills, the depressant formula should provide a stopgap remedy for false happiness. It also represents major profits for the manufacturer.
A stark black capsule, aimed at neutralizing the effects of the first medication would replace the bright, shiny blue or yellow anti-depressant pill. Experts say the benefits could be seen immediately.
Research on the depressant has been ongoing due to the increase in anti-depressant use and the perceived need to bring the patient back to normal before real therapy can run its course. It has been conducted in secret so as not to alarm the pill popping public.
“In 90% of our test cases we have found that the new drug works great,” said one researcher. “How can we expect people to achieve true happiness when they are popping attitude adjustment bombers every day? After a few weeks they have lost all that is instinctual. They don’t know how to react to the positives and negatives of daily life.”
One source told The Horseshoe that a pill to create temporary normalization had not been approved but was available various different colored markets, including the popular black one.
An industry spokesman said the long-awaited anti-addiction pill, aimed at helping people get off medications, alcohol, television, sugar, tobacco, caffein and government is still in the works.
“We want to develop a daily popper to help our clients come down or go up depending on what drug has been prescribed,” she said. “Then we can begin the entire process again for the next batch of those who suffer from either malady. We have mastered the mood alteration technology. Now it’s just a matter of watching how it stacks up against the ledger sheet.”
– Alfalfa Romero
Malcolm Lowry
Late of the Bowery
His prose was flowery
and often glowery.
He lived nightly, and drank daily
And died playing the ukelele.
– Malcolm Lowry, Epitaph
IRS Offering Ribs in Lieu of Refunds
(Ogden, UT) The Internal Revenue Service, in an apparent attempt to relieve the personal debt ceilings, has instituted a flagship program which offers taxpayers baby-back pork ribs instead of refunds.
The ribs, available only to persons who have earned a tax refund will be sent out just like other correspondence from the Treasury Department, arriving late, and probably cold. Already jokes about pork barrel politics and pigs at the trough are circulating major government centers. Earned income credit cannot be applied in a piggyback fashion as it has in other years.
“Recent tax cuts for the wealthy dictate that we too must cut back when it comes to refunding moneys,” said Shirley Turnip of the IRS.
Persons interested in receiving the food should fill out one of the Ribs Instead of Refunds forms available right next to Selective Service questionnaires at local post offices. Respondents must clearly state whether they prefer sauce or dry-cooked ribs, how they like them done and if they prefer potato salad to cole slaw.
“Once we get the fire going it will be too late for substitutions,” said Turnip.
Meanwhile the IRS has filed a final decision as to the status of sun worshipers residing in this country, saying that since the practice is not recognized as a legitimate religion and therefore these parties must file taxes in accordance with the existing laws.
“A few hunhred scrawls o’ chaps with a couple o’ guns and Rosary beads, again’ a hunhred thousand thrained men with horse, fut an’ artillery…and he wants us to fight fair!”
– Sean O’Casey in The Plow and the Star (1926)
MANY EASTER EGGS STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR
Traditionalists Yolked Over Alleged Cover-Up
(Montrose) More than a two weeks after a massive search and seizure operation nationwide, many Easter eggs remain missing. This chilling information has surfaced amid an official gov’ment position that all of the brightly colored eggs have been located and are in custody at press time.
Of the more than 4.3 billion eggs estimated to have been hidden in the United States alone on Saturday, April 19, an impressive 4 billion have been recovered, mostly by small children, leaving roughly 3 million listed as missing in action. Gov’ment sources would neither confirm or deny details gathered and placed at their feet. None would return phone calls as of the weekend.
“What we have here is an attempted cover-up, an evil game of hide and seek,” said citizen’s advocate Bertie Libb, known more for her rosy red hair and bottle blonde complexion than for her ability to count. “Despite vacancies at all levels we will continue to embrace the Bill of Rights.”
That document, one of the American artifacts falling victim to Patriot Act looters of late, has been attributed to the stinging pen of the Easter Bunny, a known meglo-maniac and member of the Rhode Island Communist Party. He is reportedly being held in a black and white room at the Guantanamo Gulag awaiting trial on charges of treason and littering.
“He tried to vote for Al Gore in 2000,” said a former supporter who now heads up the Pea Green Homeland Security Agency “Terrorism comes in all shapes and colors. We must be ready to defend our freedoms and kill people who disagree with us.”
Gov’ment officials prefer to use the term undetermined when dealing with eggs, as well as collateral civilian battlefield casualties, because more and more Americans don’t care and cannot do simple math.
“Why hit them with staggering figures on the evening news and ruin their supper,” said one of the President’s college buddies, now Ambassador to Kuwait. “Undetermined is a softer, more gentle approach to calculations that will only be forgotten when tangled up with the real life interaction common to the evening’s popular sit-coms.
Critics of the Easter Egg hunt say it’s just an attempt to divert the nation from a top-heavy, crumbling economy.
“Accusations that the Easter Bunny has links to rodent groups is poppycock,” said Libb. “Sure he dated Yassar Arafat’s younger sister but that doesn’t dictate his politics. It’s the whistle blowing over Enron scandals that has gotten his cotton tail in hock. By the time he gets out of jail he’ll be one old rabbit.”
Security forces have promised to kick down doors from California to Maine in search of the missing eggs.
In a related piece the entire Democratic wing of the United States Congress has also been reported missing since the War on Terror was stepped up following the 9/11 attacks. According to surviving pages in the Senate, the Democrats are keeping their collective heads down so as to avoid fall-out from manufactured public opinion and claims of glorious victories over world terrorism.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“It will be a war between the elephant and the tiger. If the tiger ever stands still the elephant will crush him with his mighty tusks. But the tiger does not stand still. He lurks in the jungle by day and emerges only at night. He will leap upon the back of the elephant tearing large chunks from its side and then he will leap back into the deep, dark jungle. Then slowly, the elephant will bleed to death. That will be the war in Indo-China.”
– Ho Chi Minh to American journalist, David Shoenbrun, September 11, 1946.
Bears Waking Up in High Country
Black bear all over the Rockies are waking up for the summer. Many need furniture. If you have anything to donate please drop it in front of any bruin-proof debris container in your town. And please hold the noise down until 7 since the animals often like to sleep in on weekends.
Tenure Records Gone
Missing Link to the Past Nets Legitimacy Chaos at WSCU
(Gunnsion) Verification of faculty tenure at Western State University is pretty much anyone’s guess these days with the disclosure that the Tomichi Tenure Tabernacle has been misplaced. Blamed on maintenance personnel, the loss could affect future class loads,publishing merits, academic contracts and research grants.
“It was here just the other day,” said one administrator who only gave her name as Doctor someone.
The arch, or tabernacle as it is called by the faithful, was moved once in 1999 due to the threat of a forest fire in the region and again when the Hell’s Angels came to Gunnison in 2010.
“Since we are a state institution we must adhere to state regulations when it comes to fire,” said the administration spokesman. “That means we have to keep at least two buckets of tepid water and a folding shovel at hand. As far as pacifying motorcycle gangs goes there is no one of staff with that kind of expertise.”
Many think the data was lost during the recent transition from college to university status since mounds of records were tossed and ancient files hauled to the dump.
Tenure is the magic status that allows faculty members to do whatever they want without having to answer to the people who write the checks at the college. Some students have attained a kind of backdoor tenure at WSCU by taking six or seven years to complete a four-year curriculum.
A strip search, planned for on-campus dorms was canceled Friday after threats from the Civil Liabilities Union. Legend has it that the tenure records were engraved on two sets of stoned tablets believed to be sent down from W Mountain (www.mountain.com) after one football coach or the other led the Department of Kinesiology out of slavery at Adams State College (splitting Blue Mesa in two in a diversionary tactic aimed at approaching Gunnison from the west). Unlike its rather weak and suspicious Red Sea counterpart the entire incident was filmed by a fisherman from Oklahoma who has reportedly been indicted for blackmail and employing live bait in a restricted area.
A popular film, entitled The Ten Regents loosely chronicles the event. It stars Charlatan Festoon and will be presented during NRA Week on campus in October.
A reward in the form of tuition credits is offered for the return of the sacred chest/taberbacle.
– Jack Spratt
“The only bull I know who carried his china closet with him.” – Winston Churchill in reference to then Secretary of State John Foster Dulles, the arrogant, puritanical architect of American foreign policy after World War II
