Author Archive for M. Toole

Uruguay routes Russia 3-0 to Advance in World Cup play

Celebration after striker Edison Cavani knocked in the third and final goal against Russia giving Uruguay a 3-0 victory. The South American team did not give up a goal in the first three games of competition. Uruguay will play Portugal Saturday.

Lower Blue Lakes. No snow. No mosqitoes?

Accessible from East Dalls/Willow Swamps or Yankee Boy Basin Blue Lakes offer a refuge from it all. It’s better to go during the week when there are fewer flies and the bear are working double shifts.

Are you experienced?

Playing a left-handed stratocaster James Marshal Hendrix was already an accomplished musician when he enlisted in the Army in 1961. Assigned to the 101st Airborne, he was discharged after a year and a jumping injury. Jimmy didn’t fit well in the military routine. The above picture was snapped at Ft Campbell, Kentucky.

MALE DOGS LIE SAYS STUDY

(Curville, CA) Old dogs do engage in new tricks if data collected at Cal Amari University is to be believed. According to a just completed study male dogs are liars.

Ninety percent of the canines observed attempted to lure female dogs into promiscuity by pretending to have food. The liars exuded or secreted a specific aroma that often convinced female dogs that the male knew where to get food or had food stashed. The results of the isolated tests have gone a long way toward convincing animal behaviorists that dogs are far more intelligent that had been supposed and gives further credence to the concept of letting a sleeping dog lie.

“It’s the same with male humans,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Cal Amari. “How do you think all those marginal restaurants stay in business?”

Pennywhistle, recently fired from his position as Head Wienerwurst at nearby Frankfurter Community College, insisted the data collected is relevant and that, in addition, cats have been lying to their keepers since the days of the Egyptians.     

-Dag Katz

“Of all the people on earth only merchants tell the truth, but only when they are talking to each other, and sometimes not even then.”  – Alessandro’s father Giuliani in A Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin

Reporting LIVE from Moscow

Hello to all of our friends in Uruguay from the 2018 World Cup. Above we caught Luis Suarez, Uruguayan striker leaving Leon Trotsky Stadium, his trusty mate gourd by his side. Although one of the favorites to win the tournament Uruguay has scored only twice in two games while holding the competition to zeros. If the defense continues its stellar play and Suarez doesn’t bite anyone (see 2014 vs Italy) the team from the South Atlantic should fare well.                                                      (Photo by Melvin “Yellow Card” Toole)

INSIDE YOUR ISSUE

VATICAN EXILES SEEK SAY

IN NEW GOVERNMENT

Nuclear Testing, Cardinal Sins

Subject of Grave Concern

In World Beet

HOOTERS PLEADS CASE FOR

PART OF IRAQI PIE

Buxom Approach to Eating Out

May Offend Conservative Shiite Faction

In Culinary Distractions

HUMMUS COOK-OFF HIGHLIGHTS

GUANTANAMO DAYS

American Gulag relaxes security

in post-Iraq humanitarian gesture

In Latin American Watch

DEATH ROW INMATES QUALIFY

FOR GROUP LIFE INSURANCE

Low Premiums, No Medical Check

Net Optimum Participation

in Don’t Call Us – We’ll Call You

VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE

BUSH BROTHER ON LINE AND WIN $$$

Don’t forget Neil

in Blind Leading Comics

Plus a grand array of items to eat,

drink, roll in and fall from.

Pick up your copy where you buy fresh bait!