Author Archive for M. Toole
WAITING FOR COUSTEAU
A rural harbor. A pier
Evening
Estragon, sitting on the beach, is trying to take off his flippers and catch a fish with a spear. He pulls the flippers with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before. Enter Vladimir.
Estragon: (Giving up again) Nothing to be caught.
Vladimir: (advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart)
I’m beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I’ve tried to put it from me, saying, Vladimir, be reasonable, there are other fish to fry. And I resume the struggle. (He broods, musing on the struggle. Turns to Estragon.) So there you are again with a line in the water.
Estragon: Am I?
Vladamir: I’m glad to see you back. I thought you had gone fishing on that boat forever.
Estragon: Me too.
Vladimir: Together again at last. We’ll have to celebrate with a fish fry. I have French wine. But how will we catch such? (He reflects) Get up till I embrace you.
Estragon (irritably) Not now. Not now. I think I have a bite.
Vladimir: (hurt, coldly) May I inquire where His Highness spent the night?
Estragon: On the boat.
Vladimir: (admiringly) A boat! Where?
Estragon: (without gesture) Over there.
Vladimir: And they didn’t make you clean fish?
Estragon: Clean fish? Certainly I cleaned fish.
Vladimir: The same lot as usual?
Estragon: The same? I don’t know.
Vladimir: When I think of it…all these years…but for me…where would you be…(Decisively) You’d be nothing more than carp bait, a little heap of bones at the present minute, no doubt about it.
Estragon: And what of it?
Vladimir: (gloomily) It’s too much for one fisherman. (Pause. Cheerfully) On the other hand what’s the good of losing your catch now, that’s what I say. We should have thought of a net a million years ago, in the nineties when the whales still roamed.
Estragon: Ah stop blathering and help me pull this bloody one in. We’re going to be in an underwater film.
Vladimir: Hand in hand from the top of the Eiffel Tower, among the first. We were respectable anglers in those days. Now it’s too late. They wouldn’t even let us throw out a line. (Estragon tears at the flippers) What are you doing?
Estragon: Taking off my oxygen tank. Did that ever happen to you?
Vladimir: Diving equipment must be taken off each day, I’m tired telling you that. Why don’t you listen to me?
Estragon: (feebly) Help me!
Vladimir: It hurts?
Estragon: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts! A spear hurts!
Vladimir: (angrily) No one ever suffers but you. I don’t count. I’d like to hear what you’d say if you were bitten by a barracuda!
Estragon: It hurts?
Vladimir: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!
Estragon: (pointing) You might button it all the same.
Vladimir: (stooping) True. (He buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life.
Estragon: What do you expect, you always wait until the last moment to set the hook.
Vladimir: Well? Shall we go?
Estragon: Yes, let’s go
They do not move.
Continued next month
“Loosin’ up your breeches, grab a hunk of chew, turn your skis downhill. Now go for it.”
– advice from early ski instruction manual, Red Mountain, 1907
Broncos Break Tradition on Wide Receiver Corps
Dog lovers and revelers on the fringes reported to having spotted John Elway scouting the Meeker Sheep Dog Trials last September. He was also seen interviewing some dog owners after the event, penciling down cell phone numbers of Basque herders, while spilling his gin and tonic on his new sheepskin boots.
Following up this story and leaving behind all common sense, multiple messages have been received for yours truly at the local pub, concluding that we can expect to see three of the swift furry Border Collies starting in the Denver lineup as wide receivers against Kansas City tomorrow.
Local hero and presidential candidate, Melvin S. Toole has reported that this story is true but the Collies still have to be broken of the habit of bringing wandering sheep back into the huddle after running long post patterns.
Tim Menger
ap, upi, kfc
Winker Convention in Town Next Week
(Sawpit) Over 2000 members of the International Brotherhood of Winkers will be arriving in Telluride Monday for a four-day stay. The Winkers, who have perfected over 350 types of distinct winking/eye gymnastics, are expected to have an extreme impact on sales of sunglasses and eye-drops here. Residents are reminded that this group spends quite freely and asked not to take their curious behavior seriously.
While in the region many leading Winker officials will conduct experiments as to the affects of bright light and premature darkness linked to the continued application of Daily Shavings Time. Local resident are encouraged to participate in a host of festivities sponsored by the group. All are free with the exception of the daily alcohol-fueled symposium held in Elks Park.
TOOTHLESS IN SALIDA
(Poncha Springs) After a month-long postal investigation it appears that Melvin Toole’s newly acquired store teeth may be cooling their gums over in Salida. He can’t eat anything but baby food. He’s losing weight. He’s upset.
On Thursday, August 6 Toole mailed his new false teeth from his Cranor Hill address to a dental office on Slaughterhouse Road for cleaning. Toole was not aware that all mail sent in town in Gunnison travels to Salida first. The teeth never made it.
“In all fairness to the postal service, this is a rare foul up,” said Karma Stampe, a third class administrative assistant from Denver. “We just don’t lose mail.”
Whether the chompers are in Salida or somewhere in between is still not clear. Toole admits that he did not include a return address or buy insurance on the teeth.
“They were only traveling across town, or so I thought,” he whined. “If I would have known it was going to be an epic journey I would have at least packed them a light lunch.”
Several citizens groups including the Highball Dance Ensemble and the Gunnison Association for Fallen Away Hibernians have come forward offering to chew Toole’s food for him. Officials hooked up with the heralded War on Slugs have also promised to throw a little weight around in Salida.
“Maybe the teeth are in Colombia or even in the Golden Triangle,” said one slug buster.
In the meantime Toole languishes under the perfumed awning at his marmot ranch north of Gunnison, a man once motivated, once a major character in an unfolding drama.
“He can’t even brush his gums without breaking down,” said Nettie Twyne, his live-in companion of 86 years. “I can’t believe the postal service could do such a thing.”
Officials in Denver told The Horseshoe that they planned to remedy the situation by sending all Gunnison in town mail to Montrose rather than Salida before returning it to its point of origination.
“That should prove more convenient,” said an official who demanded anonymity.
– Dinty Moore
WENDY PREGNANT, RESTAURANT CLOSED
(Montrose) The local Wendy’s Restaurant will be closed indefinitely due to the surprise (some say out-of-wedlock) pregnancy of its pig-tailed owner/front person. The freckle-faced slut was not available for comment. Sources here are suggesting just who the father might be.
“It’s very, very difficult to say who she has been with over the winter,” said a fry cook who claims to have been out of town since last December.
Conjecture has it that the father is either the Burger King, Col. Sanders or Ronald McDonald (and not Donald Trump as detractors insist) Since Wendy is a minor all or some of the suspected daddies could face criminal charges.
WALTON SIGHTINGS UP
(Gunnison) The late Sam Walton, illustrious founder of Wal-Mart, has been seen by several shoppers in the parking lot here. Local police, charged with investigating the possible appearances, have found nothing to suggest that the deceased entrepreneur is back in Gunnison.
“We combed the area searching for any indication that these sightings were valid,” said one officer. “All we found was a lot of chewing gum stuck to the asphalt, a few disoriented bargain hunters and some discarded shopping lists.”
Meanwhile, the climate remains one of desperate procurement with blue light specials and low, low prices strewn over a three thousand mile front.
In nearby Montrose, Walton is said to have attended a breakfast meeting to discuss the reconstruction of that store, located south of town. The facility was burned to the ground Friday when a ditch fire, encouraged by high winds, transformed the former showcase to mindless consumerism into nothing but ashes.
An irresponsible chicken rancher, Melvin Toole, 106, of 448822991166 Road has been charged with stupidity, leaving the scene of a fire, burning without a hazardous waste permit, driving while intoxicated and chronic burnout. The previously paroled palavering pyromaniac is currently out on bail, and his flame throwing device has been confiscated by police.
Another alleged Walton sighting took place near Almont, where an elderly man was said to have dropped out of the sky and into the full view of some 20 fishermen assembled along the banks of the Taylor River. One of the witnesses told authorities that the strange visitor attempted to sell him a gross of American flags made in Taiwan.
-Uncle Pahgre
When starting up your computer always remember to check the engine block and oil level on your dipstick. If spam is present be sure to rev the engine slightly and put it slowly into low gear. That way diesel and gasoline residue will not mar the screen or block plug-ins later in the afternoon. Keeping windshields free of malware will help avoid crashes as will alleviating stress during hard drive activities. A little prevention goes a long way. Always remember: You are a pre-existing condition. Happy motoring.
