Author Archive for M. Toole
Turkey Lottery Cruel?
(Montrose) The proposed Turkey Lottery for next Thanksgiving has played to mixed reaction here and in other rural communities across the country.
Saying that the birds already encounter enough stress this time of the year one critic of the concept called the measure inhumane. Supporters of the bill insist that it will create a sense of justice and put a vast segment of the turkey population out of harm’s way, for now.
Here’s how it works: The birds will be assigned numbers based on birthdays and then draw for positions. Lower numbers will designate the dinner table while higher numbers will earn a reprieve for the year.
“It’s as fair as anything else,” said Dag Katz, architect of the lottery. “This way the condemned can get their lives in order before November and the saved can go on with their lives without fear of an inevitable swan song with mashed potatoes and cranberries.”
Vegetarians were not consulted on this matter and plan to boycott the entire issue.
“What rubs my chops is that nobody has consulted the sweet potatoes or the yams,” said Toole
for more turn to Prairie Dog Shoot in 1985
Turkeys Off Radar
(El Lay) The nation’s turkey population appears to have retreated underground, joining remnants of elk and several hundred defiant mini-Snickers candy bars. These last two groups remain in hiding even though these dangerous fall seasons have concluded.
Hunting season and Halloween, while popular with humans is often stressful and detrimental for herd creatures and chocolate coated victims. Thanksgiving, one dimensional and aimed right smack at foolish birds with a few hams thrown in, is clearly genocide according to poultry rights groups here.
Meanwhile Tom Avenue is empty, and generally off the grid while the often-vibrant turkey lounges on Giblet Alley are now dark and quiet.
Local liberals, guilty over the treatment of all three groups have attempted to coax the candy bars and elk from their redoubts but with limited success.
On a high note, Hibernation 2025 has been heralded a “breakthrough success” by the local chamber of commerce and several church groups. The popular autumn exercise has been a successful tribute to natural state of affairs in the anomal kingdom since before the cows came home.
“Despite unforgiving acoustics in most of your larger cave complexes the practice gains participants year after year,” said Ed Bare of the Colorado Wildlife Coalition.
-Fred Zeppelin
CONGRESS TO CEASE LAUNDERING OPERATIONS
(Washington) Both the House and Senate have approved a bill calling for the termination of dry cleaning services on Capitol Hill. They say their move will save the taxpayers millions and may even balance the budget.
In short, the legislative bodies will end the practice of sending their shirts out for cleaning and, in some cases launder and press the articles while they are out campaigning.
“It’s all part of our New World Odor concept,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “We have to stop thinking about personal hygiene in the three or four shirts per day mode and move on to a three or four days per shirt philosophy.”
Noise went on to say that while it is important for elected officials to look crisp (not necessarily sharp) the good of the nation takes precedence.
“We feel strongly that any Congressman worth his salt can get an extra day or two out of a lightly starched shirt before throwing it in the laundry,” added Noise. “It is important that we set a good example for the citizenry and save a few bucks on the side.”
Current projections imply that if one simply multiplies the number of Congressmen by $2.29 (the current cost of laundering a dress shirt on Maasachusettes Avenue) and then multiplies that figure by the number of cleaning items and then by 365 (the number of days in the year) the overall savings will exceed all former projections.
“We could take this money and have a big party for the taxpayer or send a manned space flight to the moon but I think we’ll go ahead and pay a few overdue bills,” said Noise. “How can we expect the fiscal cooperation of the nation if we don’t watch our pennies?”
When this plan is operational several sources in the Congress say that they will introduce new legislation aimed at prohibiting motorized travel by Congressmen and severely limiting the practice of talking out of two sides of the mouth within the governing body.
– H.L. Menoken
Theologians warn: Time to stock up on canned* gods
In the event of an eruption, disruption or interruption people need to be fortify and equip their fallout bunkers. This preparation must include storing sustenance as well as water, weaponry and comfort items.
For a simple start we highly recommend Zeus in heavy syrup and packs of well-insulated Vishnu moon pies. A little Creamed Venus goes a long way toward keeping the smiles in place Frozen Shiva for desert? Why not, you only reincarnate up to 40 times before Nirvana.
So as to fight repetition, our cooking editors strongly suggest jerked Odin with rum Thor pudding. Wash it down with jellied Neptune and escalloped Poseidon. MMMM-good.
When the weekend comes we rely on old time favorites like parboiled Xango /filet of Guaraci and artisan Pan. Then wrap it all up with Mars and Jupiter salsa and delight in Nazareth Tea.
Read more in depth in your Candomble’ and Santeria Feijao Banana Leaf pamphlet distributed by Aphrodite Helpers. African recipes (mixed with Colonial Catholicism TV dinners) are easily stored at room temperature below ground. Plan well. You could be living down there for eternity.
If this is too silly to read what can we do? Many of our fellows have preferred to stay on the surface of the planet and reload shells and sharpen their harpoons…By comparison we have a president of the United States that even lies about his height…and why, pray tell, is he making Veteran’s Day speeches.
-Pepper Salte
*The term canned does not always interface well since it implies prerecorded/derogatory. See canned laughter.
MAYOR’S WIFE RUNS OFF WITH CIRCUS STRONGMAN
(Gunnison — 1882) The reigning Baldwin strudel bake-off champion and mother of four, has eloped with a transient circus strongman it was disclosed this afternoon. According to a note left behind, Leandra Waker, lifetime resident of the Tomichi Valley, exited with her new love interest just prior to dawn on Thursday.
In an emotional farewell message Waker explained that she had had enough during her uneventful marriage to two-term Mayor Joe Waker, a local glass blower.
“The couple’s last kid at home (a strapping 20-year old) hit the road on Monday morning and I was long gone by mid-week,” said Waker in her scribbled correspondence. She reminded her husband of 22 years: “Don’t forget to milk the cows and take out the trash.”
Her accomplice in the detraction, Norman Quinte, had been in the area working for the Snivling Brothers Circus. It was not known how they became acquainted. Very little about Quinte is known although he has had steady employment in the entertainment business since running away from post-war Charleston in 1870. A source over in Montrose says Quinte did a stint as a preacher two years ago but gave up the collar for the thrill of the circus.
Response here has been guarded as most residents sit back in waiting for a response from the mayor’s office. Up till now his honor has been mute on the affair expressing only surprise peppered with guilt barbs aimed at his wife.
“They have done nothing illegal,” said one local peace officer. “It’s not a pretty scenario for the mayor or the town but sometimes people do crazy things. We’ve all been bored here from time to time…some more than others.”
Waker reportedly took only an overnight bag and her butter and egg money from a small cookie jar in the kitchen. The two were seen leaving town on horses owned by Quinte. Information was not available regarding the strongman’s continued status with the circus. However, insiders suggest that the big top institution has never been overly concerned with morality.
“Men get shot stealing other people’s wives,” said Red Harper, campaign manager for the mayor as he saddled his horse. “We’re going out looking for them this afternoon and accidents are known to happen out there on the trail.”
Blabber on the street says the two are headed for the Nevada gold fields where Waker will kick off a career as a dance hall entertainer. According to her sister Larunda, Leandra has always sought the bright lights and they were not to be found here married to “that man” (Waker).
Back in 1880 Mayor Waker engaged in a confrontation with Snivling Brothers over questionable games of chance and the presence of elephants on the sidewalks. It turned ugly with the circus pitching tents in Almont for the entire season. It is not clear whether these events precipitated the disloyalty or how long the state of coveting was out of control.
“She was looking for any ticket out of town and Quinte just happened along,” said the sister, who demanded anonimity.
– Susie Compost
Thursday is Bubblehead Night in Congress
(Washington) Citizens in good standing are invited to the First Annual Congressional Bubblehead Night at the Capitol. The first 5000 persons through the doors, after passing through security and taking an extensive loyalty oath, will receive an authentic bubblehead of their favorite elected official, dead or alive.
Persons who do not have a favorite elected official will receive a Joe Biden or John Boehner bubblehead as a consolation prize compliments of the Federal Reserve Board. A buffet meal and open bar will grace the festive atmosphere and guests are reminded to avoid bringing up issues that might be deemed embarrassing to the legislators, aka bubbleheads.
In addition to bobbing senators and representatives each attendee will take home a quart of Fear in a Bottle, a newly brewed concoction aimed at keeping the people off balance and ultimately exerting more control of the domestic population. Tested in the War on Terror, the War on Drugs, and the War on Individualism, the fluid fear card has been produced for human consumption by those radicalized by the sequester and by the royal arrogance of rich, elite politicians.
“People will like it,” explained one Congressional aide. “It comes in six different fruity flavors (including fresh hemlock) and is the right panacea for an electorate who put these people in power in the first place.
“Here in the Land of the Free it is one of the few things that is free,” she said.
It is hoped that the circulation of bubbleheads and liquid fear will further divide and conquer the left and the right in this nation, who, if allowed to determine the real enemy, might react in unison to affect real change.
The event is in no way connected to the popular Send a Whoopee Cushion to Congress” which originated after the banking scandals of 2007-2009 which remain “under full investigation” until the public forgets about them.
– Susie Compost
