Author Archive for M. Toole
Happy 86th Birthday Tuck!
This 86-year-old Crested Butte man credits his longevity to black powder rendezvous, rum, trap lines and the prevalence of yoga pants in our culture. The caved-in cabin in the photo was a former residence in the 70s.
Soothsayer Says Situation Shitty
(Escucha del Monte) An often controversial, local visionary is not predicting a rosy future here in the land of knots and pulleys. In fact the prophesy is quite foreboding while alarmingly blunt.
“It’s shitty which rhymes with pity, city and kitty, among other words,” said the small, hair-covered beggar. “Shitty. What don’t you get about it?”
Notable herein is that the local seer, called Zilot by some and Toliz by others does not circulate among other humans but once in a blue moon. He/she does not make a habit of forcasting much at all, preferring to sit inside his secret cavelike shelter constructed entirely of baby pinion leaf and discarded RV parts.
Cousins who visit him when his sociable security check arrives, say he keeps to himself and keeps his standup routine brief and to the point.
“This oracle joker is a fake. I’ve seen smarter sheep,” said one local farmer who once sold prunes and dairy products to the futuristic guru’s extended community up Goodenough Gulch.
“It’s become fashionable to be eccentric to walk around in a sheet and then expect a payday for sharing enlightenment with us poor sops,” he smirked.
Our source went on to say that neither he nor his neighbors put stock in disjointed, unsolicited projections like these.
“We don’t need flapping lips to tell us the wind is blowing,” he said.
Nigerian missionaries bivouacked up Carne Canyon told The Horseshoe they were offended by the off-color word, clearly integral to the message, but to a greater degree in his surrender of judiciousness to the use of common proletarian profanity.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe
Warning to all local bear
Please…if you insist on prowling our golf course at night looking for scraps STAY OFF THE GREENS. There is plenty of rough on which to roam. There is no food on the greens! It is all in the handy dumpsters near the restaurant. Do not bother the golfers. They do not have anything for you either. The porta potties are not for you. Entering one will result with you getting stuck and us calling local mountaiin rescue on our dime. We are tired of cleaning up after you. Leave the Canadian geese alone. No fishing along th Gunnison or Tomichi. The season is short and a little cooperation goes a long way. If you do not comply with what we feel are reasonable requests you will not be invited back next year!
– Dos Rios Golf Course Management
Wind Jarred in Wyoming
(Cheyenne) After decades of blind and expensive research, climatologists here claim to have successfully jarred the wind. Jarring, compared to the more common harnessing or vaguely routine displacing of the wind is a much simpler technology, which is foolproof and final.
The procedure follows a logical pattern starting with the employment of thousands of glass jars set in a diagram specified for the conditions, the actual collection of ducts and currents and the final canning of the element, secured with simple tin lids and sealed with good ol’ Rocky Mountain elbow grease.
“Not only will this innovative modus operandi store energy for the future,” explained one scientist, “but it will reduce the wind velocity and control haphazard weather patterns currently running roughshod on Wyoming residents.”
It is hoped that neighbor states such as Colorado and Montana will follow suit and begin jarring operations soon. The benefits to jarring the wind, which are not always compatible with metaphysical thought and/or religious superstition, have come to the forefront of late, reminding politicians that voters have grown tired of “the same old air flows” on the part of “windy candidates”.
Official Wyoming Wind, considered a delicacy in most parts of the world (and an aphrodisiac in east Asia) would be packaged, marketed and sold to tourists here during the summer.
“Quite candidly we see the calming affect as outweighing any negative impact of fooling with the weather,” said an unreliable source from Laramie. “Energy is energy and federal subsidies are too.”
– Jack Spratt
Black Bear Have Right to Eat Hikers says Supreme Quart
(Washington DC) The nation’s highest court today decided in favor of bears over humans when it comes to dining manners and culinary survival in the forest. Voting unanimously in favor of Black Bear, Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bear the justices handed down the determination with little fanfare despite a barrage of media attention attached to what many are calling a bloodless coup.
It was a dazzling victory for the bruins who, although always hungry, prefer other delicacies such as honey, berries and the rotting carcasses of cows buried to sel in the flavor for down the road feasts. Despite a sad status down the food chain humans remain as potential meals on the run since they are often slower and less evasive than other game.
Controversies such as this one, classified as domestic in nature, are often blamed for slowing down the judicial system, leaving more pressing matters to take a back seat in an already backlogged system. The bear question, however has been on the docket for over three months and, with human-bear contact season aproaching, it cried out for answers.
The ruling is aimed at clearing up misinformation and presumptions long held by people recreating within the vast domain of bear. It did not undress dangers from mountain lions or moose, two species deemed more aggressive toward traditional habitat.
Most Americans have never even seen a bear much less been eaten by one but the issue made it to the Supreme Court anyway. Experts confirm tht there are more bear in the Rockies than people. Elusive and shy the animals are rarely observed in the wilds unless a hair-raising confrontation develops. People who hope to see a bear up close are often sorry for their wish.
“I guess the verdict is quite important to people who spend a good deal of time out in the woods,” said Al Pine, a wildlife biologist working in the Northern Rockies. “It’s also important to the bear who have been in limbo on the subject for centuries.It’s kind of their Make My Day law.”
Favoring wildlife over humans could open up a whole new can of worms according to Pine.
“If a bear is in the mood to eat someone or some thing he/she will probably not feel more entitled or ethical with legality on their side,” quaffed Pine. ‘He will just chomp.”
Recent lower court opinions protecting Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bears served as precedent in the monumental decision. Urban and high population density districts are more likely to support the legislation than are people living in bear country, co-existing with the protected bruins.
– Small Mouth Bess
