Author Archive for M. Toole
Musings on the Furry Unpredictable Bruin
“I want to be accepted as a bear by bears for just one night this fall. That’s my autumn fantasy. Here are the best daydreams, reveries and delusional suggestions from readers as well as a slew of keen observations from people out wandering around in the forest. Guidance, respect and caution blend to present the solicitor and the animal in the best light
One must adhere to eating habits to fit in with the sleuth. – If you want to fit in you must eat maggots and an occasional cow carcass (buried for at least aa week. On the more pleasant side of the culinary adventure try salmon eyes or fresh honey.
The smell. You have to take on that smell. That bear scent or you’re sure to be noticed by the offensive human aroma, if not spotted and possibly eaten on the spot.
“He/she is a bear in the morning.” When a person os difficult right out of bed and sometimes until lunch. Bears are bears 24/7 and are larger and stronger than you.
I don’t know about your wishes but I do know it’s bear safety rhyme “If it’s brown, lay down. If it’s black, fight back. If it’s white, goodnight” sounds like good advice.
Bear are vegetarians. Bear are always hungry. You decide.
“Men are bears with furniture.” – Rita Rudner
In Medellin, Antioquia they say “Que oso!” What a bear…which translates as how bad or embarrassing…
Origin of Teddy bear: Teddy Roosevelt is not cuddly in the least and is a loud mouth which will undoubtedly interrupt one’s sleep.
In 1976 Melvin B. Toole spent the entire winter in a cave near Sultan Peak to simulate the overall effects of hibernation. Grew fur. He had little tech advantage just notes and pencils. Fell asleep. Taught some wandering Dahl sheep how to start a campfire.
Hibernation sucks! Say younger cubs.
Learn bear etiquette. There have been a barrage of new books on this very subject as humans attempt to compete with AI and simultaneously out of other ideas.
Bear suits don’t work unless you want to be on such screen gems as I Love Lucy or Gentle Ben. Remember the cameo of the bear in The Shining?
Denver Bears makes some sense, but Baylor Bears – why? Bruins, Grizzlies, Chicago Bears ad nauseam.
Never ever carry bear spray. If they (the bears) find it on you you are as good as toast.
– Uncle Pahgre
Dodgers Moving Back to Brooklyn
(Sunset Park — Flatbush Base Stealer Press)
After 67 years in Los Angeles, the Dodgers have decided to return to Brooklyn. The popular franchise will begin its 2026 season in New York according to a team spokesman.
The move was described as fiscal in nature although growing seismic activity, gang violence and increasing smog may have entered into the final decision.
“There are innumerable issues to resolve,” according to a team owner. “But in the final summation we prefer the Big Apple to El Lay.”
The Dodgers will not be able to return to the old haunts of Ebbets Field or even the Polo Grounds since the historic parks were long ago “plowed under”. Negotiations are reportedly going on with existing facilities and the local government.
“It got so that we couldn’t see the pitches, even on a good day,” said player personnel director Melvin “Sac-Fly” Toolovich. “Even when the wind blows the pollution stays put out here at Chavez Ravine.”
One option appears to be a rooftop stadium above Barclays Center, the home of the Brooklyn Nets NBA team. That, according to local environmentalists would have less impact on a neighborhood still reeling from urban stadium expansions in high real estate locales. It might also be in keeping with progressive gardening techniques developed in Paris and Berlin. Yields from each of these communities have been impressive and baseball might lower its carbon footprint here, say the experts.
The Dodgers (originally the Trolley Dodgers) will remain in the National League if the relocation is approved at the highest levels. The move is expected to fill the void left by the New York Mets’ abrupt move to Havana, Cuba where people still speak proper English and understand the dimensions of the slow curve.
– Rocky Flats
Dinosaurs to blame for Slope roads
(Denver) The often deplorable condition of Western Colorado’s roads is due to centuries of abuse by dinosaurs according to Governor Jared Polis. Likening the destruction to some 50,000 tractor trailers dropped directly on the asphalt from the sky, the governor praised road crews and defended disbursement of public funds during his reign.
“These mindless lizards never paid one penny of highway tax either,” chimed Polis from the veranda of the gubernatorial mansion here. His appearance would be cut short as weather experts warned of a particularly dangerous brown cloud air index levels, serious enough not to be diluted by an abundance of temporary hot air.
The governor went on by blasting critics and free-lance skeptics who were quick to point out that no dinosaurs have roamed these parts for centuries. He equated the lack of attentiveness to history’s manifold destiny and the chronic fiscal irresponsibility of more recent times.
“This is no partisan issue. These animals did the deed many years ago and we are paying for it today,” said the governor. “even before they built Interstate 25.”
“One cannot discount the damage wrought on our transport arteries by these ignorant beasts of enormous mass,” he said. “Other states like Texas and Arizona have far nicer roads and the common denominator there is that no dinosaur bones have been exhumed.”
Polis called on all students of motorized travel to do their homework on this issue. He promised to appoint a committee of archeological teams to further study the problem. Dinosaur fences have been proposed as well as a highly controversial fossil fuel pipeline from Alberta to the Gulf of Mexico.
“We have already started building dinosaur crossings (with tunnels) and creating a sense of tight security around the more prevalent digs,” said one fossil scientist. “Some of our flaggers have even reported seeing dragons in the Bland Valley and the occasional rogue unicorn on the Uncompahgre Plateau. We must be careful not to upset the natural balance or there goes our chance at cheap gas for another generation.
It is commonly held that one day dead dinosaurs turned into oil much like Rumpelstiltskin straw turned to gold or Pinocchio puppets turned into real boys.
Polis assured voters that the problem would be handled and that residents and visitors alike would once again experience the quality of highways, trails and toll roads built before the Civil War.
“This is outrageous!” said one Republican county commissioner. “Next he’ll be telling us there won’t be a state of the state address because the dinosaurs ate his homework. Imagine people tied up in traffic trying to get to the gold fields or to the Rapture or to attack sleeping Indian villages. Not on these roads!”
There has been no response to the issue by the powerful dinosaur lobby since it is believed the group has suffered extinction, which according to some is the exact, and final opposite of evolution.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
MALE DOGS LIE SAYS STUDY
(Curville, CA) Old dogs do engage in new tricks if data collected at Cal Amari University is to be believed. According to a just completed study male dogs are consummate, if not refined, liars.
Ninety percent of the canines observed attempted to lure female dogs into promiscuity by pretending to have food. The liars exuded or secreted a specific aroma that often convinced female dogs that the male knew where to get food or had food stashed. The results of the isolated tests have gone a long way toward convincing animal behaviorists that dogs are far more intelligent that had been supposed and gives further credence to the concept of letting a sleeping dog lie.
“It’s the same with male humans,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Cal Amari. “How do you think all those marginal restaurants stay in business?”
Pennywhistle, recently fired from his position as Head Wienerwurst at nearby Frankfurter Community College, insisted the data collected is relevant. He says secondary findings prove that cats have been lying to their keepers since the days of the Egyptians.
“That,” he smiled, “should come as a surprise to no one.”
– Sterling Bidet
WAITING FOR COUSTEAU
A rural harbor. A pier
Evening.
Estragon, sitting on the beach, is trying to take off his flippers and catch a fish with a spear. He pulls the flippers with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted, rests, tries again. As before. Enter Vladimir.
Estragon: (Giving up again) Nothing to be caught.
Vladimir: (advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart)
I’m beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life I’ve tried to put it from me, saying, Vladimir, be reasonable, there are other fish to fry. And I resume the struggle. (He broods, musing on the struggle. Turns to Estragon.) So there you are again with a line in the water.
Estragon: Am I?
Vladamir: I’m glad to see you back. I thought you had gone fishing on that boat forever.
Estragon: Me too.
Vladimir: Together again at last. We’ll have to celebrate with a fish fry. I have French wine. But how will we catch such? (He reflects) Get up till I embrace you.
Estragon (irritably) Not now. Not now. I think I have a bite.
Vladimir: (hurt, coldly) May I inquire where His Highness spent the night?
Estragon: On the boat.
Vladimir: (admiringly) A boat! Where?
Estragon: (without gesture) Over there.
Vladimir: And they didn’t make you clean fish?
Estragon: Clean fish? Certainly I cleaned fish.
Vladimir: The same lot as usual?
Estragon: The same? I don’t know.
Vladimir: When I think of it…all these years…but for me…where would you be…(Decisively) You’d be nothing more than carp bait, a little heap of bones at the present minute, no doubt about it.
Estragon: And what of it?
Vladimir: (gloomily) It’s too much for one fisherman. (Pause. Cheerfully) On the other hand what’s the good of losing your catch now, that’s what I say. We should have thought of a net a million years ago, in the nineties when the whales still roamed.
Estragon: Ah stop blathering and help me pull this bloody one in. We’re going to be in an underwater film.
Vladimir: Hand in hand from the top of the Eiffel Tower, among the first. We were respectable anglers in those days. Now it’s too late. They wouldn’t even let us throw out a line. (Estragon tears at the flippers) What are you doing?
Estragon: Taking off my oxygen tank. Did that ever happen to you?
Vladimir: Diving equipment must be taken off each day, I’m tired telling you that. Why don’t you listen to me?
Estragon: (feebly) Help me!
Vladimir: It hurts?
Estragon: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts! A spear hurts!
Vladimir: (angrily) No one ever suffers but you. I don’t count. I’d like to hear what you’d say if you were bitten by a barracuda!
Estragon: It hurts?
Vladimir: (angrily) Hurts! He wants to know if it hurts!
Estragon: (pointing) You might button it all the same.
Vladimir: (stooping) True. (He buttons his fly.) Never neglect the little things of life.
Estragon: What do you expect, you always wait until the last moment to set the hook.
Vladimir: Well? Shall we go?
Estragon: Yes, let’s go
They do not move.
Continued next month
