Author Archive for M. Toole
Bone Soup
Rates: For the first 20 words or so we will pay you in stock (live). After that our society page editor will award contingency packages. For less than 20 words one may just as well paste the message up on a kiosk or put it out to sea in a bottle. We discourage graffiti since so many of you cannot spell the wurd properly. Ads that run over thirty days will be sold for scrap while ads that miss the deadline will be stored, sans plastic wrap, in the employee refrigerator overnight. Ads requiring boxes should be placed with poultry adhesive byproducts attached. Keep in mind that the staff of this paper would rather touch each other inappropriately than wait on you. If you require further attention contact your elected officials as profit and loss is not an issue in that whitewash arena.
Policy: We have none as of the moment but we have a committee working on it, just as soon as the members return from Carnival in 2022. If you need parameters they can be purchased at the hardware store. Otherwise we suggest a fishing trip with linguistic bait or community service underground. WE PREFER CASH UP FRONT AND ADS LEGIBLY WRITTEN. If you are advertising goods and/or services for free or items vital to the good of the community you will be charged 25% since that kind of behavior is not conducive to the continuation of the Free Market System, as we know it. Persons running continual ads may be subject to a simple loyalty oath. Example question: Have you ever been a member of the YMCA. the Communist Party, the Audubon Society, Plato’s Republic or the Western Slope Bankruptcy Coalition? Please proofread your ads or we will have to do it for you.
Deadline: Now. Thank you.
Cowboys Without Cows meets on the third Tuesday of the month at Red’s Gravy Heaven. Bring some rope.
CATASTROPHE EMPLOYMENT – JOBS FOR FALL:
Jaeger-Meister distribution associate/driver. Responsible for visits to ski towns while accumulating accounts. Must have current driver’s license, sea legs and common sense. Pay plus stock options.
Snowplow mechanic in Shiprock, New Mexico. Seeking man or woman who can throw wrenches, make coffee. Tendencies toward the mechanical will not be tolerated. Must answer the phone and concoct outrageous stories when motorists call to complain about highway conditions.
Ice boy for Caribbean venture. Must have bathing attire, flip-flops and ability to interface ice buckets in several romance languages. Must be comfortable serving sunburned fat people over-priced cocktails in plastic cups. No watered down cruise ship refugees need apply. Towel and mosquito net provided. Compatibility with palm trees and sand a must. Bungalow space possible. Contract runs through March season. Low pay, high benefits to self-serving types.
Ice cream flavor inventor/technician. Will be responsible for three new ice cream flavors per week. Herbal therapy included. Night shift only. No experience required. Will train.
If any of these positions are of interest DO NOTHING AT THIS TIME. We will contact you! A subsidiary of Catastrophe Realty-Jacking up the Price of Living in Colorado.
A growing number of Americans may soon qualify for delicious water buffalo cheese direct from the federal gov’ment. To determine if you are eligible for monthly shipments write Department of Genetic Farming and Agricultural Perception, 57 Chevy Chase. Attn: Foggy Bottom Filibuster.
Will the man who was spitting nickels out of the side of his mouth at Totem Pole Park please call Yvonne. Maybe I was too rash. Sure, I’ll dance with you. Braille Box 49992, Grand Valley.
Trouble starting your dogs on cold winter mornings? True Canine W-30. Available at pet shops everywhere. Works fine on cats too.
Bi-Polar Cruise. Domed eco-systems, Woo River excursions, The Great Salt Lake, mosquito nets, pagan babies, Hudson Bay, picnics with the seals. All meals and transfers. Private cabins. Dial 18.
Does anyone out there have change for a drachma? – a friend in Crete.
Visit Nepal in nothing but your boxer shorts. Mabuhay Missions, Crested Butte. Sorry: One per customer please.
Indian Summer Special: Plenary Indulgences: 1/2 off. St Roscoe’s. Up-to-the-minute listing of newly formed minority groups, bogus handicapped parking credentials, sushi decorations, plastic puke goof for Day of the Dead jokesters. Next to St. Roscoe’s barking lot, Wimpton Penny Wise.
Chopsticks agility sessions. Mr. Woo, Ridgway.
Lost: Spanish language flash cards during peace negotiations at Guadalupe Hidalgo in 1848. If found please contact the surviving ancestors of General Winfield Scott, 2998 Squatter Sovereignty Circle, Cerro Gordo, AZ..
Olympic Giant Slalom Driving! Every weekday on Dallas Divide 4:30 to 6:30 weather permitting. No dogs, police or alcohol please. Can’t make the afternoon session? Try our Daybreak Gladiator Competition mornings at 7 am. Seasonal.
Express Hydrofoil to Paonia: Mondays and Wednesdays 9 am and 3:30 pm. Saturdays at dusk. Political prisoners will not be boarded before weekend departure. No exceptions.
Dog Food Magazine of Irwin is looking for sales associates, account executives, executive vice-presidents, fleet directors and management personnel. Small commission but you get your name on your door. Deliver resume to above publication in small, shabby little trailer adjacent to lake.
Pisces Intervention starts soon! Get off your cusp and call Sandra…Aquatic Hydrotherapist Extraordinaire! Specializing in snorkel abuse, fin malfunction and minor hair loss. Blind Box 9922777, Mayberry.
Leap Year Okra pickled while you wait. Red’s Hollywood Show-Bar in the Wimpton Strip Mall. Next to Big Chief’s Casino. Born naked? Red’s is always hiring dancers. No cover charge before eight. Show your ticket stub at the adjacent Temple of the Blinding Allegiances and get saved before or after the show.
I lost my dog during an acid trip on Elk Avenue back in 1970. Unfortunately I was called away days after to run my father’s chemical stadium seat warehouse in Delaware and have not been able to return. Now I’ve made my fortune and I’m back to reclaim my dog. The problem is that I don’t remember his name or what he looked like. I cannot handle the thought of being called a deserter another day. Please, if you remember us, call me. Leave message at Lawrence of Oregano. Generous reward.
Canine escorts for any and all occasions. Crested Butte, Telluride, Aspen, Las Vegas. Dial 48.
Have you recently fallen down the stairs at the Eldo, the Talk of the Town? Call Morstern, Hamill and Glick Attorneys-at-Law. We can help. Many of our clients now own public houses all over the country. How do you think the Forest Queen survived horizontal zoning?
Registered mechanic to rebuild the solar heater on my 1987 appaloosa mare. The ride back from Gunnison last night nearly killed the both of us. Price no object. Earl MacAdoo, Crested Butte Livery. “Where the pipe’s always lit!”
Dynamite sagebrush $200/oz. Meet me on Mountain Express at 2 and 10 weekdays. I’ll be wearing ski goggles and carrying poles even in the summer and fall. Ask for Josh. Also scalping three front-row seats for the 2027 X Games in Wichita.
Urinal cakes for any occasion. Drive out the post road to 3365772299886565 Road and honk loud. We got real mean dogs. Grandma Pritchard Vineyards.
Dominant stooge seeks two submissive stooges to accompany him on outings, diversion, and mirth. No kinky stuff. Call Moe at the Wildwood Music in 1979.
Land a good paying position in the fast-paced world of Embryonic Research. Must have earned at least a passing grade in high school biology, exhibit ability to operate a blender (for cocktails) and have a sincere desire to change the world. Car helpful. Send resume to Blind Box 3992, Horseshoe. No missionaries.
Auction off your ego on E-Bay. Lots of good destinations for unnecessary body parts, imagination, assorted DNA and integrity. Make Big Money! Further biology and medical disturbances still on the WEB at www.mindlessproductivity.com.
Notice: Cars towed on July 32 from Elk Avenue in Crested Butte have been misplaced in one of our satellite lots. We will not be responsible for lost articles. Vouchers will be extended to chronic whiners based on Blue Book values and current state of affairs. Next time read the sign. Park tomorrow for tonight, damn it!
Lost: G-string in downtown Colona. Not slight underwear but rather musical accessory for guitar. Leave message with machine gun-toting militia stationed in front of news stands downtown.
Bridge burning seminars nightly and on Tuesdays. Box 3333, Slick Rock. Bring two sticks. If you can’t make it send the covered dish anyway. No Irish.
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone bitten by my dog, Earl, between now and April 20. After that date you’re on your own. Jacques Strappe, Almont. (6/20/21)
The United States Department of Questionable Karma has relaxed restrictions building on tailings in the San Juans. Ponds are particularly enhancing. Nice mountain views. Year-round Access. Catastrophe Realty. Portland, CO. Wee-mail us.
Most of you already know that reading the San Juan Horseshoe is more fun than experiencing the stomach flu. Now we possess conclusive proof that it’s far cheaper. Now available in Canada — just $26 for 24-hour podcast.
The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club will host a membership drive at the bottom of Norwood Hill on March 14 and 15. Free rose-colored windshield scrapers to the first 100 persons to join up.
Second-hand smoke getting to you? Protect yourself and ones you love with Syd’s Second-hand Smoker’s Patch. Penetrates fatty area under the arm or stitches over the eye. Installation free when you buy one or more at St. Roscoe’s Drive-In Out-Patient Easy-Payment Duty-Free Non-Profit People’s Clinic in Wimpton or Manana. Worried about second-hand, third-hand, fourth-hand and even fifth-hand smoke invading your respiratory system while you’re asleep? Ask about the Syd’s Second-hand Smoke Detector. All and more medical superstition from St Roscoe’s Hospital…The Hospital with hospitality built right in!
Legitimate and enlightening encounters with chicken gumbo and crawfish bisque starting in August and running until Fat Tuesday. Afternoon and evening seatings. Tea dances on demand. Marie Laveau Tavern, St. Charles Ave.
Need: Aspiring Executive type to handle toilet paper installations and quality control measures until the end of the tourist season. Rusty Xenophobe Hotel. Could work into regular job and advancement in the expanding field of motor lobby security. Complimentary Flea Pass and Snowboardable Housing included in 2022. Apply in person or out of body if you so desire.
WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT
A little bit of worldly wisdom, with a shared bath down the hall
It’s better to be born rich than stupid but if the two elements share the main stage the money will surely serve as a great comfort.
Airline food was inspired by hospital food, which was itself inspired by train food. Train food first found its inspiration in K-rations. K-Rations…kibble. There is no set cuisine for bus travel.
Region Zen, in Western Colorado, Boasts the Best Weather in North America
All Italians want you to think they drive Alpha Romeos and wear $500 sun glasses.
Commenting that the queen of Thailand is “a bit chubby” will upset most Thais and could get you deported.
The number of DUIs issued since 1990 has all but decimated the drinking community.
The chances of winning a state lottery are about the same as being struck twice by lightening in a gold mine.
For prehistoric Basques, caves were often safe places.
Punctuality is in the eyes of the beholder.
If Iraq held democratic elections today it would be a fundamentalist Muslim state tomorrow.
I’d rather run into a black bear in an alley than a skunk.
The Greek gods and goddesses had it pretty darn good.
It is physically and mathematically impossible to fill all the handicapped parking spaces in Colorado at one time.
Due to chronic globalization beach ants won’t eat sticky rice on the Andaman island of Ko Lipe, Thailand.
When the owner of a brand new SUV spends his evenings delivering pizzas the economy is in for a ride. My other car is a Schwinn.
Ordering the fish special right there on the Mekong River (in front of the fish) is not considered bad breeding in Laos.
If UN weapons inspectors tried to ply their trade in the US they would get a similar reception as the one in Iran.
Biscuits and Gravy are never mentioned in the Old Testament and, in fact, the dish has Muslim roots. When served beside grits, however, the plate automatically changes its venue to Mississippi. In New Mexico see: Grits and green chilis.
Elk and bear droppings, while messy, are not a threat to national security at this time. There be a Color Brown alert if the situation worsens?
The United States gov’ment has enough nuclear warheads to hit every square inch of the planet 230 times before anyone has finished his lunch.
Dogs are not particularly loyal to other dogs.
Every trauma experienced by man in 2021 is caused by overpopulation yet controlling religious concerns continue to promote more babies in social corners where children are at extreme risk and life expectancy is lowest.
It’s difficult to make the car payment at a poker table but it sure beats worrying about it.
The best time to embrace adulthood is from 14 -16.
In golf, the value or skill in putting has little to do with stroke, greens or breaks. It has everything to do with putting the little ball into the little hole.
Terrorist is a convenient term that can be applied to corporate murderers as well as murderers motivated by twisted religious interpretations.
– Gabby Haze
Texans Massing at Border
(Raton Pass) Three divisions of battle-hardened Loan Star storm troops in armored personnel ATVs backed by artillery, lawn chairs and the ruthless French poodle cavalry have been spotted moving through northeast New Mexico toward the porously defended Colorado frontier this morning.
Surveillance flights, often interrupted by smoke from lingering forest fires, confirm that the huge force has now been joined by primitive colonial infantry units from Oklahoma.
Loaded down with bags of gold, often exchanged for exotic trinkets in the higher elevations, the force has been little match for Colorado Air National Guard squadrons. Employing sophisticated methods of psychological warfare, these brave men and women continually peppered the ground with a blitz of sugar beet sweetened iced tea and pictures of Tom Landry.
“We almost hit a couple of ’em,” said one pilot sucking on a fifth of John Powers. “Our biggest logistical nightmare is trying to avoid the recon asphalt crews, busy patching Highway 87 somewhere down there.”
In a simultaneous exercise, volunteers from Las Animas and Costilla Counties have extended operation Frito-Lay, a highly successful poached earth operation, way up into Moffat County which effectively scorches the Sangre de Cristos, leaving crunchy landscapes in its wake.
We will not allow our holy ground to fall into the hands of those Dr. Pepper swillers! Once we burn all the farms and ranches, we can start building interstates and shopping malls,” said one culturally-absorbed torch warrior. This is one good ol’ Glorieta Pass!”
– Oral Waters
Horseshoe Denied Flight License
(Blue Creek Canyon) The San Juan Horseshoe will not be offering pilotless glider flights over Blue Creek Canyon according to Gunnison County Commissioners. The summer adventure, prompted by the construction and partial closure of Highway 50 through the scenic canyon, had been scheduled to begin June 5.
Sources at the Horseshoe told reporters that the service was a sure bet and at a reasonable $60 per head beat sitting in traffic or driving an hour out of the way along the North Rim of the Black Canyon.
“We had it all mapped out right down to the landing zones and the parachutes,” said one disappointed neophyte who plans to initiate guided ice fishing trips this winter. “If it would have been C-DOT’s idea it would have been approved.”
The State of Colorado has tentatively okayed a sophisticated system of seasonal bamboo zip lines that run from the top of the Alpine Plateau to the Anthracite Range. Sadly, this route does little to relieve the traffic clogging in the canyon.
Meanwhile many local residents think the construction was a bad idea considering an economy still reeling from Covid-19. Truckers, venders, tourists and many others are already hard pressed to keep agendas straight and products on the move.
Others, who promise “to stand our ground like Leonidas at Thermopylae” plan to boycott Blue Creek Canyon until their demands are met.
They eventually plan the construction two hotels, on each side of the canyon for people who didn’t read the website. (Pending permit)
“The entire construction project is about as worthless as a tuba in a cowboy quintet,” quipped Earl MacAdoo, a hall-of-fame sheepherder from Sapinero who halt the project by undisclosed means on the Fourth of July.
“If we had the water we could just fold the place,” he laughed. “That’d show them.”
MacAdoo joins a growing chorus of people who feel that Highway 550 from Montrose to Ouray deserved prime attention and that the Blue Creek Canyon Project is just bureaucratic bungling.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“I’d trip my own mother if she was rounding third to score against us.” – Leo The Lip Durocher, who managed the Brooklyn Dodgers, the New York Giants and the Chicago Cubs.
Trump Silver Spoon Brings a Paltry $60 on eBay
A local supporter has acquired a silver spoon once belonging to Donald Trump, for the surprising sum of $60. Whether it is the silver spoon is unclear since the former President reputedly had many of the utensils at his disposal during formative years in Manhattan.
The spoon was sold on eBay after early bids failed to reach expectations of the seller, who wished to remain anonymous. Late bids never materialized at all shedding light on the future sales of personal artifacts by the Trump clan.
Daughter Ivanka Trump, named after a relative of Vladimir Putin, is under investigation for attempting to unload 12 gold candle sticks from the Jefferson White House and a set of Nicaraguan wind chimes bequeathed by the Reagans to the nation in 1988. She has denied all wrongdoing. Several of her siblings have allegedly been active in the recreational shoplifting culture but this is the first time the feds have been snooping.
“This is different than selling baseball bats and autographs,” said a federal agency briefing this morning. “Pilfering and outright theft are the same thing. Both are felonies, especially when lifting priceless artifacts and pieces of Americana,” it said.
“We have talked to a menagerie of former White House personnel but at the present time no one has been indicted,” stressed one district attorney overseeing the case.
The spoon, called a pewter pouter by adversaries reminds us that Trump was born rich. “He didn’t earn much of it. He is a narcissistic, dishonest, petty and pitiful businessman and was President of the United States for four long years. During that time, he did irreparable damage to the very people that support him. It’s June and they still don’t get it.
-Tommy Middlefinger
