Author Archive for M. Toole
Hell’s Fire Needs TLC
HELP WANTED: Capable man or woman familiar with the discovery of fire needed to start morning and evening blazes in the Halls of Hell this fall and early winter. Seasonal work. We know it sounds ridiculous but if we don’t spend the money in 2021 we’ll forfeit it in the 2022 budget. Also: Persons dumping debris at the North and South gates will be expected to provide lunch for boatmen on the River Styx. Have a nice eternity.
“We don’t need political science or history classes in high school. We have the left and right-wing media to answer our questions.” Make America Grate Again
Glitzy Strip Seduces Casinos
(Colona) Three major casinos are currently negotiating the purchase of a strip of land on the border of Ouray and Montrose Counties. The corridor, dubbed Glitzy Strip, lies in neither county making it exempt from laws governing such recreative endeavors as gambling and whiskey making.
County officials fear the worst. The powerful gambling interests say they plan a tasteful development but can Colona maintain its distinct culture with the sounds of poker chips rattling and dice hitting the felt? Sure, some say it will help the economy but a majority questions the ability of the existing infrastructure to handle the impact.
“I don’t know if we can handle any more than 700 breakfasts in one morning,” flinched a waitress leaning on the good old days when Colona was a railroad town.
Ouray County planners sitting on both sides of the fence seem distracted by potential tax revenues from satellite businesses that they say will spring up. Ranching interests are firmly against the project saying that it’s hard enough to keep hired hands straight now without further distractions.
“I’ve got a good business already,” said one resident. “I didn’t move here to get rich. Western Colorado is a gamble enough without casinos.”
As of this morning Colona remains the only god-fearing community in the county with once-backwater Ridgway emulating Telluride and Ouray knee-deep in decadence.
– Suzy Compost
FWIPPING OFF AW VEES IWEGAL
with Elmer Fudd
Hewo fwends and welcome to Cowowado. Wemembew due to Cowowado Waw it is now iwegal to fwip off Awe Vees on ouw state highways. This new waw incwudes evewyone!
Tip: Pwease don’t weave youw widdle doggie wocked up in youw hot aw vee whiwe you are enjoying dinnew. It gets pwetty hot this time of the yeaw and widdle dogs can melt.
Tip: Bwing awong baloney sandwiches fwom Oklahoma or whereber you pass through and save money.
Tip: Wemove youw wear view miwwow so that you don’t have to wook at all that twaffic behind youw wig.
In addition twy to wemembew that fweak stawms can wuin your aw-vee outing. A high wind can bwo you wight off the woad and wightning is common in the aftewnoon in the mountains. Twy to stay off youw cell phone when Mothew Natuwe is acting up. At night be shuwe your widdle dogs are sleeping inside so they don’t end up as wunch fow some predatow on the prow.
Final tip: If you see that you have more than eweven caws behind you on the woad, puwe youw wig over and let them pass safwey. Good mannews on the highway is of benefit to eveweyone. Have a wewaxing summer.
Fresh free-range, organic goat eggs. Still in the shell. Seasonal booty only. First come-first served. No realtors. Gates open at 5 am. 38592368945275 Road. Honk. I got mean dogs. Market Price.
Low Riders Banned From Engineer
(Ouray) Persons operating low-rider vehicles, hydraulic shocks, space-age woodies, RVs and ruptured Humvees have been banned from Engineer Pass due to clearance considerations. The pass, notorious for deep ravines and mounds of shale, is a challenge for four-wheel-drives.
According to the Forest Service and Department of Transportation, street vehicles have no business traversing tight switch-backs and manipulating steep grades found on Engineer. Both say simple math can be employed to determine rate of success in negotiating the pass.
In addition to the hazards of height many of these banned vehicles simply don’t have the torque to make it to the top.
Hinsdale County officials have yet to decide what, if any action should be taken on their side of the pass. Many feel that if back country drivers make it to the top they should not be restricted on the descent. They remind all drivers to check their brakes before starting downhill.
Hermits to host mixer
(Howardsville) A local hermit-support group here is planning a gala social mixer on August 29 and 30 at the Stony Pass Armory, according to a press release received this morning. The solitary souls say they expect over 100 persons to attend the two-day affair.
Although attempts have been made to draw recluse elements out of their mountain redoubts in the summer, organizers say the mixer might be better scheduled for January when there aren’t so many out-of-town visitors around.
“Our invited guests are somewhat timid and not accustomed to a lot of fanfare,” said Eva Stinkweed, of the Molas Lake Stinkweeds. “If we aren’t careful and don’t present the proper setting most will run away and the shindig will fall on its face. The final decision to hold the mixer in August was based on such elements as accessibility and the weather.”
Organizers of the event hope that everyone on the invitation list shows up and that an annual, or even monthly mixer might emerge. In addition, they are optimistic that the fringe element of non-registered hermits will show up too.
“There are plenty of people hiding out between here and Lake City that may decide to shake it for our party,” said Stinkweed. “We even have arranged for an etiquette consultant, transportation and blended food for attendees without teeth. Plus, a volunteer barber will be on location for the afternoon preceding the mixer. If nothing else it’s a chance for hermits to come out of their caves and meet people of like-minded philosophies.”
Some people in Silverton have expressed doubt as to the potential success of the event saying that anti-social behavior is inherent in the make-up of the authentic hermit.
“We’ll be seeing plenty of hermit wanna-bees,” one said.
Other non-hermits from around the mountains are, of corpse, invited to attend but they will be expected to provide their own costumes and personal hygiene.
We think we have all of our ducks in a row,” continued Stinkweed, but what does a hermit wear to a party?”
“The human sense of compassion was throttled in countless court-martials, turning everything back to right, so very American right: My Lai is now a tourist destination. There are promo posters in the hotels VISIT MAI LAI. Hearts and minds cast the soul. Herbicides and defoliants. Have the ancestors deserted us for the spirit world? Are they the ghosts in our dreams?
– GI Joe, in Sons of the Morning Star.
Bank Backpedals on Popular Giveaway
(Manana) The Who’s on First National Bank will refrain from offering first-time customers cannabis products along with free checking and banking by mail it was disclosed today.
The ultra-popular program, a brainchild of pot entrepreneurs sensitive to fiscal blacklisting and financial harassment by the feds, sought to present marijuana is a more favorable light.
Bank offers expanding premiums no more
“We didn’t encourage anyone to light up in the lobby or operate motor vehicles under the influence,” said a former vice president who was “removed from his managerial position” by corporate bosses who live in backwater states where cannabis is still illegal.
In Colorado pot is as legal as the day is long,” said an attorney representing “elements” associated with the lending institution. “It’s also highly educational.”
Customers will have until the weekend to take advantage of the give-away with an assortment of edibles and teas. At exactly 5 pm a massive bonfire will be conducted in the parking lot so as to further comply with directives from up above.
A spokesman at the governor’s office laughed off the confrontation saying, ”As far as we know the substance is legal here and the bank has every right to give premiums away to its customers at its discretion.”
-Gabby Haze
