Author Archive for M. Toole
NFL may introduce prima donna clause
(Denver) The National Football League is proposing an amendment to existing rules that calls for voluntary policing of player attitudes on and off the field of play. Teams may be called upon to control emotional outbreaks and limit rosters to only one “problem child”.
If the situation does not correct itself, the NFL will impose mandatory restrictions which set minimum maturity levels for participants. Since the existing conflicts lie within the wide receiver position, the league has stepped in and in some cases provided counseling to offending players.
“Owners have put together a staff of former 1950s players, who earned only a couple hundred dollars per game, to help at risk players survive these dark days of fame and fortune. A focus on team, integrity and honor will be integrated before each kickoff and judgment, taste and self-control reinforced in the locker room after each game.
“We don’t need some hot shot trying to steal the show with is mouth,” said one counselor.
“The game has been hyped enough since many of us played. Today we see packs of trainers, cortisone shots and female analysts on the sidelines. When we played we were lucky to have a water boy, a shot of whiskey and a few broken down cheerleaders.”
Many players drafted by professional teams from the college ranks have not enjoyed the fruits of the American dream until signing a fat contract. The money goes to their head. The league is concerned that they have forgotten who pays the tab.
“I want to see these prima donna types out early at practice staying late in the weight room and signing autographs for the fans,” said one franchise spokesperson. You don’t see offensive lineman acting up. There’s no getting around it…Some of these guys are damn good but they need a non-flake personality to go with their talent. The great players have figured it out and generally have long, successful careers.”
The NFL will also undress the growing concern that players are often expendable and subject to life threatening injuries.
“We have found that players are more likely to suffer from dementia after countless hits and blows to the head,” said the owner. “The equipment is top-notch but after a few years the players are often worse for the wear.”
The source had no thoughts on why sports broadcasters were victimized by a similar malady. Stuck safely up in a press box, these talking heads rarely receive the sound beating they deserve, chatting mindlessly about the benefits of fundamentals, their brief playing days or the presence of a player’s mother in the stands.
“The careers of these young men are often short and must be spent on the right side of the ball,” said Rocky Flats, a Hall-of-Fame coach who now sells cars in Green Bay.
“A lot of these kids aren’t prepared to leave the street mentality behind but even a third-stinger can star for a prison team,” he said.
– Slim Tinkleholland
Congress Sponsors Dodge Ball Team
(Bethesda MD) The United States Congress will dodge more than the issues this spring with the creation of the Capitol Idea, an amateur dodge ball team, which will compete against other government agencies in 2022. Citing popularity of the sport and the relative expense of fielding a team, the Senate and the House of Representatives will participate as one unit.
A recent vote in the Senate, which unanimously approved a plan to pay the governing body minimum wage until the deficit is covered, will require that lawmakers travel to out-of-town games on the bus rather than in private jets.
Most other competitive agencies will follow the prescribed One Man – One Eight-cylinder Pickup approach to transport, with the Central Intelligence team relying solely on mental telepathy to reach the playing fields. Homeland Security will not field a team since the entire contingent is out digging trenches around the White House.
“Dodging balls is better than dodging bullets,” said one Congressman, who has been opposed to war since ten minutes after voting for several invasions all the way back to 2003.
“Hopefully we can get around to officially designating pesky policies after lunch,” he said.
– Carl LaFong
Breaking News Like Breaking Wind says Veteran Scribe
(Fincaville) Gracie Bellborne who is said to have “intimately covered” the Wall Street Crash, The Dust Bowl, The Rise of Roosevelt, the Battle for Singapore, Benito Mussolini’s wedding and the Partition of India says it was all quit enjoyable.
Having spent the past 50 years chain smoking, drinking vast quantities of homemade gin and spewing pomposities Bellhorne had hoped to “visit Mars or at least Jupiter” before she passed.
“She spends every evening getting pissed, looking down her silver cigarette holder, castigating anyone who disagrees with her juvenile appraisals,” said one longtime confidant.
The 112-year old organic gymnast was whisked into town yesterday to dedicate a statue to former hurling great Conor McSpam, whom she has never met but once saw play in Kilkenny while barnstorming the Republic of Ireland in 1965.
“I have no idea who he is,” said Bellborne, “but I love to ride on the bus.”
“YOU DON’T LOSE IF YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN. YOU LOSE WHEN YOU STAY DOWN. “ MOHAMMED ALI
DAWG AIR SLATED TO GET OFF THE GROUND IN SEPTEMBER
Regular canine-friendly flights will begin from hub designated US cities beginning this fall. The companion procedure that dictates one person to one dog was called a loving breakthrough.
The canines will have to pass a simple good behavior test or show a certificate from an accredited dog training school. High decibel levels, inviting aromas, response to other dogs and seat assignments are also expected to dictate who will travel and who will stay home.
“It’s an inspired attempt to get a leg up on less responsive airlines,” said Dag Katz, president of the new airline. “Up until now these airlines have ignored a large segment of the population making it very inconvenient to fly with larger dogs.”
Mandatory IQ testing for accompanying humans will be strictly enforced since it is accepted reality that bad owners make bad pets.
In addition, all flight attendants will have experience as dog trainers. Veterinarians will be on call in first class.
The flights remain expensive but not twice the quoted prices of other carriers. The fact that dogs do not generally check baggage and file complaints will be considered as the fledgling idea gets airborne.
“Did you ever try to fly a Rotweiller on one of the existing airlines? It is a nightmare. You don’t know until moments before the flight if Rover will make it to Rio or Bella to Buffalo.”
Dawg Air has pledged to make certain that all humans and dogs make their connections properly and that all special diets are accommodated.
“Most of the time the pooch passengers sit quietly looking out the window, napping or wondering when the plane will land.
The US Humane Society has yet to comment on the matter. Critics say the agency is awaiting more information when in fact it is waiting to have its paw greased.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Tenure Records Gone
(Gunnison) Verification of faculty tenure at Western State University is pretty much anyone’s guess these days with the disclosure that the Tenure Tabernacle has been misplaced. Blamed on maintenance personnel, the loss could affect future teaching agreements, academic contracts and research grants.
“It was here just the other day,” said one rather pompous administrator who only gave her name as Doctor someone.
The arch, or tabernacle as it is called by the faithful, was moved once in July when the threat of forest fire was at its highest.
“Since we are a state institution we must adhere to state regulations when it comes to fire,” said the administration spokesman. “That means we have to keep at least two buckets of tepid water and a folding shovel below the steps at Taylor Hall.”
Tenure is the magic status that allows faculty members to do whatever they want without having to answer to the people who write the checks. Some students have attained a kind of tenure at WSC by taking six or seven years to complete a four-year curriculum.
A strip search, planned for on-campus dorms was canceled Friday after threats from the Civil Liabilities Union. Legend has it that the tenure records were engraved on two sets of stoned tablets believed to be sent down from W Mountain (www.mountain.com) after one football coach or the other led the Department of Kinesiology out of slavery at Adams State College, splitting Blue Mesa in two to make good an escape) long before you were born.
A popular film, entitled The Ten Regents loosely chronicles the event. It stars Charlatan Festoon and will be presented during NRA Week on campus in April.
A reward in the form of tuition credits is offered for the return of the sacred chest.
– Jack Spratt
End of world already happened says scientist
(Ouray) A transcendental scientist here says the much-feared end of the world has already taken place and that what we see and experience now is simply a dream. Dr. Melrose Tinkleholland, BFD, LSMFT, former director of the Macro-Buddhist Study Institute on Red Mountain says the end came fifteen years ago but that everyone had been too busy to notice it.
“Today,” he asserted, “our entire spectrum is dependent on the generally Lilliputian human imagination to support cosmic flow created by the revolutions of other heavenly bodies.”
Tinkleholland, who catapulted to fame in early 1988, after proving that Elvis Presley was alive and living on the planet Neptune, is the former chair of the Department of Astrology and Sports Medicine at the prestigious Cal Amari Institute. Later he offered strong evidence that the earth was not only visited by extraterrestrials but that these space wanderers were particularly attracted to the cowboy culture in the Rockies.
“They still like to dress up like cowboys when given the chance,” said Tinkleholland. “Who wouldn’t?”
The professor claims to have photographic evidence of an alien visitor riding a bull at the 2018 Ouray Rodeo, held in Ridgway.
“He made it to the bell but swallowed his chew,” laughed Tinkleholland. “They sure don’t make ‘em like they used to.”
Restating his appraisal that our world is only a dream, the professor looked down his nose at assembled guests saying, “There’s really no reason to worry anymore. We might just s well have a good time.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
