Author Archive for M. Toole

Commissars OK Irwin Feed Lot

Will supply quality beef for Aspen

(Crested Butte) Gunnison County has approved a low impact feedlot within the town of Irwin. The action comes as a bit of a surprise to residents there who once thought they had escaped the annoyances and aromas of the 21st Century.

“We’ve followed every county and state spec down to the nitty gritty, which of course is up to the cattle,” said Jack Sprat, a Brit, who came to the United States in 1994, a refugee from mad cow disease. “You want to talk about green belt? Do a soil test on the feedlot after just three months operation.”

The feedlot is classified low impact since it will be located exclusively near summer houses and host only a minimal, “but motivated” herd at first. In fact, Spratt’s kids will do most of the care-taking after school as part of a 4-H project.

“We expect to feed 200 -300 head in the beginning and expand to 5000 for the summer months. Spratt is currently negotiating with Irwin Lodge for grazing rights through the warmed months.

Most of the beef raised here will be shipped via Pearl Pass to glitzy Aspen where it will be transformed into high dollar, high cholesterol treats. Already several restaurants there have agreed to weighty contracts.

“We hope to conduct business without all the hype,” said Spratt. “We want to run a customer-friendly, caring facility that cows can be proud to call home. My kids don’t know about the real purpose here. They think the cattle are being raised for the circus. Not real smart, heh? When they are adults we’ll let them in on the action. Once they see the ledger sheet they’ll come around. 

“It’s amazing how money tempers morality, he smiled.

Meanwhile residents of Irwin have filed a complaint with the local authorities saying that the town is not zoned for this type of agriculture. They are threatening to boycott Crested Butte, Gunnison and Aspen if the plan is enacted.

“We have attended every last meeting on the subject,” said Spratt. “We even provided, at our own expense, the fertilizer for inquiring minds. What do they mean when they say Irwin is not zoned agriculture? Hell, everyone up there has at least three dogs and grows marijuana. That sounds pretty agriculture to me.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Vatican Denies Shift in Population Policy

(Roma) High ranking officials here vehemently deny that Pope Francis has broken ranks on the subject of birth control. Responding to accusations that the Pontiff liberally tossed condoms to the crowd while on a recent trip to Latin America, the Vatican argued that limited access from the Popemobile would make that impossible.

But it’s all over the internet.

The Popemobile, currently in the shop for repairs in Mexico City was not available for examination. The usually infallible vehicle hauls the Pope around in a high security, transparent bubble so that the poverty stricken masses can view the alleged heir of St. Peter up close and personal.

In an official announcement a Vatican spokesman said, “The Pontiff didn’t throw anything out of the Popemobile due to a severe injury suffered during a meeting with Fidel Castro years ago.”

According to inside sources the Pope and the deceased Cuban dictator, although separated by mounds of philosophical red tape, came together over their mutual love of baseball. One eye-witness confirmed reports that the Pope tore a rotator cup during a pickup game of catch in the courtyard at Columbus Cathedral. The injury prevented him from taking part in an exhibition game in Managua (Nicaragua) the following day.

“He’s a natural catcher although his knees are shot,” said the source. “He had an almost magical way with Fidel, (a former pitcher) and we hear he swings a mean stick.”

Getting back to the subject at hand the saint-happy Pope then concluded his visit in Guatemala by canonizing a Mayan taxi driver from Totonicapan. The driver, Juan Nomoore, disappeared while in police custody in 1991. He is said to be representative of the thousands of Mayans who lost their lives during a bloody 30-year civil war that was put on the back burner in 1996.

The new saint, technically Blessed until all precincts are in, replaces the legendary Maximon as patron saint of population control. Maximon has moved on to represent the coffee in lobby in Antigua.

The population of Catholic Guatemala is expected to double by the year 2035.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

TEDDY BEAR HOROSCOPE

Everybody’s on the prowl this spring getting their lawns and gardens ready for summer We sincerely hope that this candid, if not entirely scientific, astral appraisal will help you get what’s coming to you. Just check your specific star sign. If you cannot afford a sign one will be appointed by the quart.

VIRGO (August 24 – September 23)

It’s hip to be unavailable. Conditions that directly affect your personal desires may go public before noon. A thumb ain’t a-worth nothin’ if you just sit on it. You are right on target…unfortunately it’s the wrong target. Presumption is no substitute for perfection. Soften arrivals with a clear date of departure. Tie up all loose canons. Passion will seek its own level. Play the role of martyr only if they give you your own dressing room with a star on the door. Tonight: Brood in the dark.

LIBRA (September 24 – October 23)

Cut the Tinkerbell crap. Peter is with me now. Choose friends and snow tires more carefully the next time. Your faint jingle will not impress financiers down on main. Shuffle the demands of peers. Sooner or later you will get over the disappointment, not to mention the disgrace, or being dismissed from jury duty. Burn all tedious paperwork. Embrace fringe relationships. Warm, unattended cattle prods may leave one suspicious of Co-workers. Tonight: Yield signs at twenty paces.

SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)

Hopes and expectations are often attainable without a side arm. While your input will most likely be ignored, your output will be dissected. Micro-manage! Anyone can grow dreadlocks whereas growing a tail is an impressive accomplishment. Take calculated risks only if you can master the math. Narcissists make poor missionaries…Stay home and meditate to old Miles Davis ditties. Placate your ego and the big and tall shop. Tonight: Chaos in the kitchen. 

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)

Chronic elitism conflicts with hygiene deficiencies on your personal resume through the 15th. Brush your teeth to a different drummer. Don’t sass the weed eater. Your cosmic flow needs an oil change. Pay attention without drawing attention. Your temperament is that of a Cape Buffalo. Spend more time naked. Leading off with your wit may leave you deep in the batter’s box. Make promises to the dog only in dog language. Tonight: Run out all fly balls.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)

It’s trash day. Couldn’t you put on something nice for a change. Shifting conditions call for some fancy footwork. Despite the fact that your recent achievements have been deemed insignificant by science your glowing failures are the stuff of legends. Train robbery is a felony while writing bad checks is only a misdemeanor. Anticipate inside straights. Tonight: Do not waste time on insignificant objectives such as dinner and dirty dishes. 

AQUARIUS (January 21 – February 19)

Your stunt person cannot go on that diet for you. Minding your own business, while safer than intrusion, can lead to a boring ledger.  It’s easier to turn the other cheek than to button your lip. You cannot listen to inner voices with the television on. An ounce of anvil is worth a pound of feathers every time. Tropical fish are not right for fondue. Wearing old socks to bed could sent the wrong message to a new lover. Tonight: Throw friends out early.

PISCES (February 20 – March 20)

Keep to your own agenda when confronted by worms, grasshoppers or artificial lures. Embrace cold-blooded endeavors. Resist tendencies to flake. Beer-battered is not the proper language for the dinner table or in front of the baby fish. Bottom feeders rarely burn out in frigid waters. Privacy is the key but spawning is the instinct. Mind over matter will be ineffective if you’ve already taken the bait. Fin for yourself. There is no future being part of the chowder. Pescador: clean thyself and always watch for scales. Tonight: Surf the net.

ARIES (March 21 – April 20)

Jupiter, your creditor planet, moves into Mercury rising but is called for an offensive foul. Mercury misses both free throws but hits the three pointer. Your transition game is out of season. Riding the bench is just an expression. Go ahead…change your hair color again – Either way you are still stuck with the same tiny brain. Learn to enjoy forced labor camps. Cultivate feedlot relationships. Wearing those chaps backwards may seem inconsequential to you but your horse knows the difference. Tonight: Barbecued chicken in the hallway. 

TAURUS (April 21 -May 21)

Have faith in a higher power but always get a receipt. Keep your head in the clouds and your knuckles on the pavement. You can easily increase your income by making more money. You are as discreet as a caiman at a poodle convention. Milking the proverbial brown cow may leave the pasture in distress. Formula for survival: 5 % inspiration, 95% perspiration. Circling buzzards may have something to say about career aspirations. Tonight: Change your name to something exotic.

GEMINI (May 22 – June 21)

While a closed mind may not open many doors, dirty windows often thwart the advance of intrusive public opinion. Reliance on child-like clarity may be deemed as juvenile in sandbox circles. The habit of looking over one’s shoulder has produced deformities in laboratory rats. Laughter is not always better than tears – It’s just easier to clean up afterwards. Tonight: Let the TV watch you for a change. 

CANCER (June 22 – July 23)

  Innocent flirtations could be misconstrued leading traumatic interludes and felonious spats. Avoid panic situations. There is no sense being king of the hill when all the action is going on down at the beach. Get in touch with your cooperative side. Tar is bad enough but when the feathers start flying it can get downright ugly. Focus on what you are good at…Use a microscope. Isn’t your helmet on backwards? Tonight: scapegoat on the grill.

LEO (July 24 – August 23)

Act on the inconsequential. Store good intentions in a cool, dry place. Flanking movements near the time clock will not catapult you into an executive position. Don’t take adversaries for granted…Take them to Cleveland. Is there no end to your limitations? Let others work overtime. Be alert to people camping in your yard. Intuition is always lower at state colleges. Swallow all food carefully before you chew it. Tonight: Cheap beer and caviar

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Commandant Astral Cavalry of the Holy Order of Hibernians (1866), The Quiet Knights of the Talisman (1903), The Alchemist’s Pulpit (1949) and the Colonese Zone (1977-commission pending.)

Spring Cleanup Sacks Town

(Manana) The first ever spring cleanup in Manana has terminated the town. After three days of hauling garbage, old tires, discarded machine parts, plastic, broken furniture, abandoned trailers and other debris to the county dump there is nothing left of what was once a thriving little burg that once commanded a spectacular view along the Little Packer Pecker River.

“Our team reached out and there was nothing left,” said one resident. “I thought someone had our back. Awesome.”

“Other towns seem to be able to handle a little sprucing up without changing road maps,” said mayor Muriel Armbruster who has taken up residence some six miles away at Colona. “We started with the highest intentions and the result is the disappearance of the entire town.”

Monday morning all that was left of Manana were fragile skeletons of dilapidated downtown shops, the wobbly shell of the post office and a few mangy dogs looking disoriented and hungry.

“I don’t know how long it will take us to return the town to its normal condition,” said Armbruster. “Right now there’s nothing here but a few spindly, framed remembrances. With the arrival of our traditional spring wind storms, those too will fade into architectural history.”

As expected the town has applied for federal aid.

“These town cleanups are serious business,” added the former mayor. “I wonder if we could incorporate the landfill.”  

-Small Mouth Bess

South Townsend Sprawl Brings New Trees

Man’s Triumph Over Nature

(Montrose) After quickly bulldozing the natural vegetation south of Montrose, developers here are promising to plant trees. The deforestation of the area close to the Uncompahgre River has been likened, on a smaller scale, to cut and burn tactics common to the Amazon Rain Forest where that precious habitat takes a second seat to progress.

“Those cottonwoods were in the way,” said Sissy Facelift, an already rich realtor from downtown Telluride. “Montrose needs a corridor of malls and fast food outlets and besides I need something to do, somewhere to turn my family inheritance into more money.”

The plowed under trees, destroyed to make room for more asphalt and big box stores, will reportedly be replaced by designer, self-contained, micro trees flown in from Aspen and Vail. The farmland, where cows once graced peacefully is being marketed as having excellent development potential.

“We’ve got beds to fill in Telluride and those old trees just didn’t project the image we’re looking for,” said the realtor. “Why is everyone so upset? We’re just trading one clump of trees for another more attractively landscaped expression.”

What seems particularly amusing/sick is that the sub-suburban culture so readily expressed here is without a viable urban center to support it. Critics feel that Montrose is well on its way to looking like every other suburb in the country without actually being a suburb of anything.

“It’s formula living at it’s finest,” said Facelift. “We hope to attract every chain store known to man. After that we’ll throw a second story on the whole project and leave town.”

And the real estate boom goes on and on. Just last month our Bureau of Land Management jumped into the circle selling some 140,000 roadless acres of undeveloped public land to oil and gas companies. , 20,000 of those now damned acres are located in Western Colorado. What a bargain for the special interests at the taxpayer’s expense. 

Oh well, who cares. Broncos season starts in August and my revolving credit line has been increased and maybe, if we all keep quiet and cooperate we’ll see lower gas prices down the road. – Rocky Flats     

Commuters Camp Bird Mine to Ouray 1886

Commuting from Camop Bird Mine to the town of Ouray in the late 1880s