Author Archive for M. Toole

Russian Literary Giants Condemn Putin From the Great Beyond

In a chilling statement from the grave, legendary Russian writers Leo Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Vasily Grossman, Aleksander Solzhenitsyn, Vladimir Nabokov, Maxim Gorky, Aton Chekov have condemned President Vladimir Putin.

Alexander Pushkin, generally regarded by the Soviets as a staunch ideological ally, had nothing good to say about the vicious attack on a “brother nation” and refused to defend the actions, choosing to abstain from comment. (Like China and India)

The stumblebum Russian propaganda machine denied that these well-loved novelists had returned in spirit to blast Putin and that the Oligarchs that have been robbing the people (and the military)  for decades.

Tolstoy comes back from the grave to condemn Putin

“Some poor conscript has a zero survival status because Putin’s buddies spent all the money on their lavish yachts,” said a Tatar medium from Saint Petersburg, who has since relocated to Finland. “These soldiers, who have been killed at alarming rates are victims too much like those in War and Peace and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich.

It was not clear if the erudite novelists, the pride of the Russian people, can have any impact on a rather constipated Kremlin. Many House Republicans who didn’t know exactly where Ukraine was located were torn between supporting Donald’s buddy and supporting democracy for a change.  

The very idea that one of these pariahs would read a Russian novelist was not in anyone’s suggestion box.

Meanwhile Homer and Marge watched television trying to figure it all out.

In a related development, Rasputin was not far behind, lurking covered in the ashes of the Czars. Insiders outside in Red Square say he will hold a press conference in Lviv before the weekend.

“God created war so that Americans would learn geography,” – Mark Twain.

Colorado will not send solar energy to Russia

(Ridgway) Russia is “flat out of luck” securing Colorado solar energy according to sources within this solar manufacturing hub. The termination of the lucrative energy exchange, began way back in 2001, is clearly attributed to February’s savage attack on neighboring Ukraine.

“The Russian leadership is composed of gangsters and murderers,” said a leading solar energy advocate from a sunny mountain meadow. “We do not seek to punish the people although many still support Putin’s War. Their warmth and comfort is simply collateral damage in a sense.”

In short, Russian weather sucks. The cold winters are married to sweltering summers, humid and stodgy. The humid continental climate that affects much of European Russia features only 85 days of sun per year. The desire for more solar exposure has been etched in the Russian psyche since the fall of the Soviet Union when the population looked to join the European community.

SOLAR ENERGY DERELICTS PROSPECTING FOR CLEANER FORMS OF ENERGY NEAR GRAND JUNCTION IN 2021

Today, with he war, life has returned to almost Stalinist boundaries with freedom of speech and movement greatly limited and the future looking bleak.

“Even the oligarchs can make the sun shine,” said the Colorado source.

-Melvin Nykolai 

“Pantacha opened his eyes and closed them. They were red like a monkey’s behind.”

          -Mario Vargas Llosa in “The Green House”

WSCU Rated Number 3 Party School

Mid-Week Category

(Gunnison) Western State University of Colorado has been rated # 3 in a national poll focused on student behavior. The poll, centered on the mid-week party atmosphere rated Western higher than many larger institutions including the University of Colorado and the University of Wisconsin, two perennial standouts.

Finishing ahead of Western, one and two respectively, were Cal Amari University and Wabash Polygamy Institute. Last year’s winner Jerry Lewis College of Durango, did not do well, ending up at #103 due to a breakdown in communication between the administration and the faculty who failed to establish class attendance norms.

“When kids are expected to go to afternoon classes in the middle of the week the status of party school will undoubtedly suffer,” said Myrna Clocken, a fixture at the school since 1904. “Just wait,” she prodded. “Next year we’ll be back, especially if we can drop those bothersome math and science requirements.”

Plans to schedule all classes between 10 am and 11 am in 2023 should keep Western State at the top of the party heap. In addition a government decision to include alcohol on the list of items legally purchased with food stamps should have quite an impact too.

“Many Western State alumni will go on to fill important recreational positions in the real world after graduation,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle, a visiting lecturer in the Department of Social Chaos. “We want to give them the tools to succeed even if we have to stay up all night doing it.”

A short ceremony acknowledging the high ranking will take place at the Colorado School of Mimes football match-up in October.

– Sergio Jingles    

STRANGER THAN THE HORSESHOE

This month’s Man of the Hour is none other than Frank “Hard Rock” Gimlett, who spent the majority of his adult life guarding the ice and snow up on Monarch Pass. The last remaining resident  of the all but deserted mining camp of Arbour-Villa, Gimlett could be seen patrolling the region on a daily basis atop his sure-footed mule, which legend has it he named after Queen Victoria.   

In addition to preserving the sacred ice and snow stash at 12,000 feet Gimlett went about the work of renaming most local peaks after the movie starlets of the Forties. Grable, Lombard, Bogart, and O’Sullivan Peaks still stand today as testimony to his creative dedication. 

Claiming that not so much as a snowball was ever stolen during his tenure, he had methodically forwarded an annual bill to the federal government in the sum of $50,000 for his services.

–Pepper Salte

Yeti snapped in Almont Triangle

Second appearance in as many months

(Jack’s Chalet) Two local men say they have documented what is believed to be yet another yeti sighting south of here. Only this time the creature was captured on film.

In addition to a color photo the two, Melvin O’Toole of Cahone and Earl MacAdoo of Baldwin, claim they saw giant footprints, heard low growls and found bits of course hair stuck to aspen trees.

“It appears that this fellow was in a big hurry to go somewhere,” said O’Toole, a surveyor who was mapping the area for a massive condo development. “The foot prints were different than anything a bear could leave behind. For about an hour both Earl and I felt we were being watched, then we saw the creature break from his wooded redoubt and sprint across an adjacent snowfield.”

O’Toole says the yeti covered about 10 yards in no time at all. He believes the creature had been startled by their chainsaw or was simply late for an appointment in Gunnison.

The yeti, dba Bigfoot, aka The Abominable Snowman was thought to reside exclusively in the Himalayan Range near Mount Everest. Called metoh kangmi by Tibetan villagers the name yeti was given to it by Sherpa tribesmen in Nepal. The word most likely meant all-devouring creature. According to legend he is a hairy beast, with a large ape-like body and a face that resembles that of a cow. 

“That’s the guy,” said MacAdoo. Throw in a long neck and some big ears and you got him pegged.”

Neither man could verify that the monster’s arms reached the ground and didn’t think that it was actually walking erect.

“It was getting dark and our vision was limited,” said O’Toole. “He moved quite gracefully but still in silhouette form and lingering in the brush.”

Both men said they feared an attack due to the close proximity of the encounter. They add that the yeti never looked in their direction lending credence to a theory that he never saw them at all. 

“He could sure use a shower,” laughed O’Toole when the county’s 300 police officers showed up to investigate. County officers quickly sealed off the area while Gunnison city cops ran their sirens as a probing, territorial gesture.

The governors of Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Kansas and New Mexico  are expected to visit the site Monday unless it rains.

Despite the inherent dangers of a missing link running around the woods, the mood is light here due to the arrival of spring. Already Alpine Express drivers have begun stopping in the hope that their charges might view more than eagles along the East River. Excursions into the back country have almost tripled since the sighting.

“It’s all very exiting,” said one Division of Wildlife officer. “It will be interesting to see the outcome and how it might affect our secret plans to reintroduce the Grizzly, the three-toed sloth and the Eurasian wild boar to Western Colorado.

Yetti captured on film in Gunnison County

Other reaction was mixed as sheep herders fear losses, realtors worry about the price of an acre, and biologists scurry around attempting to make sense out of the phenomenon.

Cynics question how the beast might have remained undetected for so long. Although dietary needs could easily be met there is little else for the yeti to do around here on cold winter nights. Even the movie theaters have shut down. They suggest that the footprints were merely enlarged due to exposure to the winter sun which they say melted them into wider forms. They add that the yeti would be more likely to hang out near the more posh resort areas of Aspen and Vail than near funky Crested Butte.

One benefit of the entire incident may be that while tromping about the Almont Triangle authorities have determined that the area is not a triangle at all but a hexagon. How this discovery will affect plans to build a green belt parking lot along Hypotenuse Creek is unclear at press time.

Due to this second coming, the two campers who claim to have seen the yeti last month are enjoying their day in the sun. According to one of them nobody believed us, not even our moms. Most said the creature was a bear, others insisted it was a second home owner from Taylor Canyon or a lost snowboarder.

– Estelle Marmotbreath

Voting By Credit Card Nets Benefits

(Washington) Voters preferring to avoid the polls this November can cast their vote by using any major credit card. When they do, they are in line for a variety of perks such as free air miles, discounts on groceries and cash advances in the former of mythical democracy.

Although it does not cost money to vote, at least the part when one journeys behind the little curtain, the electorate can keep tabs by using the plastic. Major political parties can then award each voter based on his selections. Voting a one party ticket can save up to 50% on car rentals and stack up valuable miles on participating airlines. Campaign workers, generally not paid a salary for their labor, will not have to wait for to be appointed to ambassadorships and political spoils positions like before. Now they can gain incentives right away.

“We had a guy manning the phones during the Iowa and New Hampshire primaries a few years back and he had to wait six months before being appointed to a federal judgeship,” said one party boss. “Now the same guy would gain all kinds of benefits instantly. We think this will motivate our affiliates by good ol’ American greed and know-how.”

Originators of the plan say that if a voter is active enough he could see himself ascending to a mayorship or warden of a private prison just by accumulating credit points.

“It’s just like the electoral college manipulating the actual votes of citizens,” said the same source. “Why we go to the charade of counting votes is insane. It’s almost as ridiculous as tabulating the statistics derived from the traveling census circus.”

In addition to this development the Biden camp has announced a Presidential Sweepstakes which will award one lucky voter over a million dollars after the mid-term elections. The voter will not be expected to purchase magazine subscriptions but rather simply prove he voted the right way.

“We’ll just take the prize out of their campaign chest which, according to all indications is still overflowing with cash,” said the spokesman. 

Meanwhile in the House a Guess the Pentagon Budget program, which would pay big dividends in the primaries, is reportedly in the works.

Political animals all over the country are quick to admit that these approaches may not quell voter apathy but could make voting more fun.

“We don’t bet on the elections like we do football, at least not now,” said one Senator. “It’s high time we modify the notion that the voting booth is one big confessional of democracy and get on with the crowning of the puppet kings.”

– H.L. Menoken