Author Archive for M. Toole
“Ancient Bones” Not What they Seem
(Gunnison) What at first appeared to be the bones of an Anasazi warrior, has turned out to be no more than petrified biscuits and gravy according to archaeologists here. The dig, centered in a now off-limits acre of the W Mountain Complex, will continue for another five years in the hopes of discovering more.
Scientists, who have been carefully extracting pieces of the puzzle from the rocky soil above, were not thwarted by the laboratory findings.
“We have become accustomed to frustrations out here in the field,” said one digger. “Why just last year in Delta we thought we’d exhumed an ancient Ute canning operation but it turned out to be an abandoned 1947 Plymouth.”
Sources at Western State University insist that the dig continue, adding that artifacts lend credence to theories that the Anasazi were not able to manipulate cholesterol levels and that, in short, they generally ate whatever ran across their path and some what didn’t.
Although the quality and taste of the biscuits and gravy will not be known until the lab report is completed, conjecture here has it that the Ancient Ones made their own buttermilk biscuits and concocted a sort of gravy from roots, buffalo milk and the excesses of smoked sausage.
“How primitive,” said one archeologist.
After primary examination, the content of the gravy seems to match up with the consistency of a favorite trench mortar used to construct the Cliff Palace at Mesa Verde. This theory too, will be subject to the laboratory report.
“A regular diet like this may lead us to answers that have eluded us in the past,” said one scientist, “and once and for all determine the actual demise of an entire civilization.”
Tourists are asked to stay clear of the excavation site until about 2040.
– Melvin Bedwetter O’ Toole
Kokani Running Despite Drought – DOW
The Colorado Division of Wildlife says kokani salmon snagging season is a go this fall despite the lingering drought. The agency praised The Brotherhood of Tomichi Ditch Riders for the “restitution of local color” but did not elaborate further. Offices in Gunnison (above photo) are still damp after a leak in a fourth floor swimming pool flooded the facility Friday. The pool, reserved for visiting dignitaries, is the only known rooftop collegiate swimming hole in Western Colorado and Eastern Utah. When the local volunteer fire department arrived, armed with hoses, ladders and nets, they had no option but to watch the commotion. Fortunately no tourists were on the street when the water gushed down.
Remember snow?
A much anticipated cold front is moving into Region Zen tonight bringing more seasonal temperatures after a series of baking heat waves in our high country. Snow can’t be far off. (Declan Haley Photo Talent Ltd.)
WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT
Note: This is not meant to be the complete roster of factual information available on the subject of knowledge. Contents are under pressure and perceptions often easily explode. Be assured the following is fragrance free and non-toxic but may cause congenital jitters if minor dwelling occurs in vulnerable joints and brain passages.
A good cup of coffee is always better than a good beating, especially in the early morning.
Global warming is a myth concocted by secular humanists in order to break down moral values, but it does seem quite hot for this time of the year.
Sword swallowing isn’t something that most people get the hang of right away. It takes lots of practice.
Successful navigation of the mighty Zambezi is no walk in the park.
People were a whole lot happier before the invention of the ego.
If any group of people cries out to be tested for drugs it’s the US
Congress
Everyone knows The Boogie Man lives on Tchoupitoulas Street in the Irish Channel in New Orleans.
Organized baseball began in Hoboken, New Jersey in 1846 (The New York Nine beat Hoboken’s Knickerbocker Giants 23 to 1). The Cincinatti Reds were the first professional team, touring the country in 1869.
There are more sheep in New Zealand than there are French poodles on Paris Island.
Elizabeth Clare Prophet may have been slightly off on her calculations when she predicted that a nuclear holocaust was coming in March of 1990. Her apocalyptic sect has been on the skids for the past 32 years, often waking up in a world comprised of subterranean bridge challenges.
Jerry Springer was once mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio but lost credibility when, in 1979, he wrote a questionable check to a hooker across the river in Newport, Kentucky.
Pagan religions are not prone to send missionaries to other parts of the globe, preferring to concentrate on metaphysics in the local arena. Human sacrifice was not always a sacrifice but rather an effective way to silence critics, especially those who happen to be virgins.
Ham-handed people too must break some eggs if they want to cook an omelet. However they should not be left alone in the kitchen with the cutlery for more than a few minutes.
Among nomadic societies it is not always looked on as fortitudinous to bring one’s horse to a complete stop prior to dismounting.
The cheeks of Louis Armstrong were quite a bit larger than those of Louisa May Alcott and Chester A. Arthur combined.
Mint juleps, although often associated with the Kentucky Derby and horse racing, go quite well raw oysters. They aren’t half bad with Rocky Mountain oysters either.
Bombay Bloomers were army shorts once worn by the British East India Company when it was too hot to wear full breeches. This shocking fashion statement only amplifies the standard critique that only mad dogs and Englishmen go out into the noonday sun.
If one’s earned run average is distinctly higher than his IQ he should probably be playing right field.
In Havana there are more cantinas dedicated to Ernest Hemingway than to both Fidel and Raoul Castro.
There are more hair salons in the city of Montrose than there were Elvis movies made between 1955 and 1965.
Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.
James J Ritty, owner of a tavern in Dayton, Ohio invented the cash register in 1879 to keep his patrons from pilfering house profits.
Up to the age of six or seven months a child can breathe and swallow at the same time. An adult cannot do this.
It’s better to be born rich than stupid but if the two elements share the main stage the money will surely serve as a great comfort.
Airline food was inspired by hospital food which was itself inspired by train food. Train food first found its inspiration in K-rations. K-Rations…kibble. There is no set cuisine for bus travel.
All Italians want you to think they drive Alpha Romeos and wear $500 sun glasses.
The drinking community has been decimated by the number of DUIs issued since 1990.
The chances of winning a state lottery are about the same as being struck twice by lightening in a gold mine.
Punctuality is in the eye of the beholder.
I’d rather run into a black bear in an alley than a skunk.
The Greek gods and goddesses had it pretty darn good.
When the owner of a new SUV spends his evenings delivering pizzas the economy is in for a ride.
Biscuits and Gravy are never mentioned in the Old Testament and, in fact, they may have Muslim roots. When served beside grits, however, the plate automatically changes its venue to Christian.
Elk and bear droppings, while messy, are not a threat to national security at this time. Will there be a Color Brown alert if the situation worsens?
Dogs are not particularly loyal to other dogs.
It’s difficult to make the car payment at a poker table but it sure beats worrying about it.
The best time to embrace adulthood is from 14 -16.
There is virtually no mention of motorized travel in the Book of Genesis.
Stuffing a turkey and stuffing a ballot box are relatively simple once one gets the hang of it.
There is a Burger King (cultural export) adjacent to several 16th Century buildings in central Guadalajara.
Cowboy Sundays last just a little bit longer than other ones.
Very few local restaurants feature Canadian-American cuisine.
Uninformed voters who vote invalidate elections. Why then do all of our peter pan patriots keep urging them to vote?
The purpose of the indentation at the bottom of a wine bottle is to trap the sediments in the wine.
If one’s monthly liquor bill is higher than the GNP of a small Latin American country maybe he/she should find a new hobby.
Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father’s, President Garfield’s and President McKinley’s. After the last shooting he refused ever to attend a state function again.
One ostrich egg can make up to twelve omelets.
In ancient Greece it was illegal to project the winner of an election until all the votes were counted. An actual democracy existed there for about ten years. In the United States, where projection is the rule, we have never had a true democracy.
Pirates have a lot more fun than accountants.
If one watches carefully he can detect a slight smile on the pouch of a pelican after his or her dinner.
– Gabby Haze
Unnamed Peaks the Shame of the San Juans
(Ridgway) Abandoned to the elements from their tottering perches, bastards of convenience, tinkers of history, forgotten rocky remnants without so much as a tag of respectability. These are the nameless mountain peaks haunting our Southwest Colorado skyline. A wall of shame for all to see.
Labeled an embarrassment by every office seeker, civic leader and mountaineer, little has been accomplished to improve the status of these so-called “anonymous ones”. In fact, the subject remains an ultra-sensitive quagmire, often overlooked in the face of more demanding duties and the daily errands of Alpine survival, one not often introduced in polite circles. Hush-hush, you know.
Many residents say the problem could be put to rest by simply naming all the nameless peaks but this has been largely dismissed by purists who insist the names must distill like fine single-malt or cure like a Serrano ham. They say the names will mean nothing if concocted to fit a meaningless bill of fare. Quick-fix solutions are “phony and transparent”, they insist.
“The nomenclature of these sacred mountains must distill like fine single-malt or cure like a Serrano ham,” say the more literate assembled. “Branding these massive monolyths is not something to do half-ass. What of posterity? What of topographics?”
“It’s just whitewashing,” said Colonel (retired) Wilbur “Bull” Bulbous of Log Hill Mesa. “We who look fondly on these high points each day do not take their identity lightly. They should all have names but there must be lore — Meat behind the moniker and history behind the handle. These mountains must be celebrated, not simply be appointed, not dubbed.”
At present, several rather large peaks are cursed with a severe personality crisis. They are not victims of identity tampering since they never had a name in the first place. Yes, the Utes may have christened some of these unfortunates, but over time those ancient titles were trampled by prospector nicknames and mining routes established by mules and muckers.
“Astonishing,” said one alpineer upon return from the Wilson Range. “These giants just sit there deprived of verbal recognition, hidden genetics, even the most basic geological categorization.”
According to the most recent tally there are 38 named peaks in the San Juan Range, 14 unnamed, and an assortment of demeaning letter designations as well as a flurry of unhinged reference points all above 12,000 feet. In some places multiple pinnacles reach into the sky without names. Sometimes several mountains are clumped together with little hope of determining when and where continental plates might have collided, creating them.
“It’s a disgrace,” added other hikers and binocular enthusiasts. “They have been sentenced as infinite nobodies in a world that has forgotten the Paleozoic. It is nothing short of a snub.”
While Uncompahgre and Wilson Peak get constant accolades many deserving peaks in the San Juans do not even have a name to call their own (Toole Photo Service)
This sedimentary emergency is painfully acute in the more affluent escarpment that accommodates such massif monsters as Sneffels and Uncompahgre along those distinct ridge lines. Here stand clustered cliffs of sheer, sacred rock like cloisters of empty tenement housing or wind beaten, top-heavy sloops, half-sunk in a teeming celestial harbor.
Here stand clustered cliffs of sheer, sacred rock like cloisters of tenement housing or wind beaten, top-heavy sloops, half-sunk in a celestial harbor.
We warn of failing infrastructure and ignore the pains of abandonment in our own backyards — We miss the magnificent tundra and overlook the splendor, not even exhibiting the common decency to give that mesmerizing rock a name.
“Repulsive”, added a well-groomed hiker who has been in these hills at least once. “Where is the transcendence and spiritual elevation?”
How dare we dismiss these gods, these steep, snow-capped luminaries. Where is our morality and sense of fair play? What about our obsession with justice for the underdog?
We fail to recognize greatness that stares one in the face every day. How can we, in our haste to name computer functions, and master corporate lingo, turn our backs on the natural pillars of an entire mountain range? These mountains have seen us come and go, not even as a novelty anymore. None seeks acclaim in a human sense, just a little notoriety.
– Uncle Pahgre
Regional Update
Rastas, Mormons still long way from agreement
(Blanding UT) Meetings between Rastafarians and Mormons have yielded little or nothing toward the settlement of stark, gaping differences as of this morning. The summit, sponsored by ecumenical relief organizations, was arranged so as to create a climate of understanding within the diverse groups. A mid-week concert featuring Glays Knight (Yes, of The Pips) and Washington DC’s all-white reggae band Soja is certain to further cloud stereotypes . Unreliable sources here say the two religions are still miles apart with final sessions scheduled over the weekend.
Fool-Injected Engines Ready This Week
(Ridgway) Local man, Melvin Toole has reportedly invented an automobile that never runs out of gas. “It’s fool-injected,” said Toole. “Fool-injected. With a capital F and that stands for fool and that rhymes with Toole.” The car will run forever on one tank of gas according to the inventor who adds that he is not concerned as to the countless death threats received from major oil companies. The car, available this week in red, metallic teal and off-white, promises to revolutionize the industry. “Fool-injection will be seen as a major breakthrough by everyone, especially with the price of gasoline,” he said,
Website Drops Info-Nympho Chat
(Manana) Citing perverse sexual innuendo at every turn, skantily clad editors at the sanjuanhorseshoe.com have discontinued the popular Info-Nympho column, effective today. Saying that the offering is not appropriate for a it’s marginally attentive readership, the paper will no longer feature it on its editorial page.
Penned by an unidentified writer, Info-Nympho followed an often tedious question and answer format that always skirted the subject and went directly to recounting the author’s sexual depravations, real or imagined. One example saw a reader write in asking about paint thinner only to be treated to a sordid account of the author’s visit to a swinger’s nightclub in Colona. Another went like this:
Dear Info Nympho: My family and I are confused about daylight savings time. Does one turn the clock up or back? Little Hand
Dear Little Hand. It’s simple: Spring forward, fall back. It’s a lot like my first time doing it on the beach. We looked up and there was nobody around so we figured we were alone. His hot breath gripped me and before I knew it clothes were everywhere. His welcome advances commenced and before I knew it we were in deep embrace. If only a crowd had not gathered we might still be there today. Info Nympho.
The column will be replaced by a bass fishing pictorial.
Anesthesiologists Anonymous Dissolves
(Montrose) Anesthesiologists Anonymous today disbanded after 30 years attempting to rehabilitate at risk medical personnel. In the final meeting former members unanimously pledged to do all they could for their brotherhood and while taking ten steps toward remaining total strangers. A pot luck dinner has been scheduled at an undisclosed spot. Parties interested in attending the finale are encouraged to bring a covered fish.
Independent Grocer to offer Double Days in October
(Ouray) Fewd’s Super Center Market and Super Fewd’s in Silverton will again feature Double Days on weekends in October offering the entire inventory (except the meat department) at twice the price as usual. It’s a madhouse but it’s fun,” said proprietor Fannie Fewd. “We’ll have a real faisdodo going on come Saturday night.” The popular promotion will run through Halloween and be repeated as often as necessary throughout the winter, according to a spokesman for the family-run market.
Monday Only Commerce Bill passes in Hinsdale County
(Lake City) Calling it “an end to puritan culture once and for all”, town and county officials today threw full support behind a proposed ordinance banning work in any form six days a week. Residents and visitors alike would face stiff penalties for commerce any day but Monday.
“It’s just a matter of complacency,” said one elected leader who then quoted a pointed Garifuna saying common to Caribbean Nicaragua: “Monday- work day, Tuesday – choose day, Wednesday – lose day, Thursday – muse day, Friday pay day, Saturday feast day, Sunday rest day.”
The motion is expected to pass easily at next Monday’s meeting.
Sage aftershave draws lusty ghost
(Crested Butte) A confirmed bachelor here says that ever since he began applying a local sage aftershave lotion he has found true romance. According to Tommy Middlefinger, a longtime house wrecker, he is visited every night in his boudoir by a sensual, yet rambunctious ghost set on extended love making. And he’s not complaining.
“The ratio of men to women here has always created a problem for the men and a paradise for the women,” he choked. “I just started using the aftershave to get rid of the gout. She (the ghostess) may be a little transparent but I assure you she’s still a fox even after 115 years in the grave.”
112-year old Cuban maestro denied entry into US
(Norwood) An elderly Cuban musician has been barred entry into the United States due to national security considerations it was reported today. The popular marimba great who has appeared on the popular Buena Vista Social Club CDs was turned away in Miami after showing his passport and playing the prescribed games attributed to Homeland Security Agency and the INS.
He was slated to play at Red’s Gravy Heaven on Grand Avenue October 20.
“I’ll just wait them out, said centenarian-plus Alfredo “The Marimba Machete” Garcia. “Sooner or later this quagmire too shall pass and maybe the U.S. will elect someone who likes Cuban music.”
People with whiny voices less likely to succeed says study
(Gunnison) A combined study conducted by Western State College University and Rocky Mountain Marmot and Wildflower Laboratory has determined that people with whiny voices are doomed to failure. The findings strongly suggest that although some whiners may do well in their early attempts they will, in the end, wind up in the gutter.
“Who wants some whiny know-it-all running around with success pinned to his coat,” asked one coordinator of a survey started last March. “We’ve talked to almost everyone in Gunnison County, including Marble and Vulcan, and nobody wants to see them do well.”
The study clearly states that fellow humans often dictate who is successful and that whiners rarely get the nod of the noggin in the social arena.
– compiled in part by Olivia Tinkleholland
