HIGH SEASON-LOW VOLTAGE

You’re either in the Ouray Brewery or your not. Just ask the man at the door. Kevin has been credited with keeping life calm amid the throngs. “He’s kept Ouray from the abyss”, said a friend.

High Speed Internet is Better Than Sex

“High speed internet – hands down – is better than sex!” says a recent survey released by the Knights of the Ribald. The survey is published in many sexually explicit publications proudly displayed behind retail counters so as to prevent them from falling in to the wrong hands. 

Those lucky enough to live in Fiber Paradise can download loads of sin, accompanying music, check e-mail, and have a cold beer – all at the same time in a matter of minutes.

According to one 34-year-old recently single woman, renting a Talibanesque cave for many bags of gold each month, “Who needs men!” she shouts with a beer between her legs at a Gunnison watering hole. “All I need is a good set of headphones, a six pack in the fridge, and I have the virtual world at the click of a vibrating plastic mouse.” 

“In fact, why am I even here in this bar during happy hour?” she further questioned. 

Lonely reporters report that wives and girlfriends are leaving their husbands and boyfriends with nice houses in the remote burbs surrounding Telluride, Gunnison and even Crested Butte for overpriced cable-ready apartments and run down trailers in Montrose and Grand Junction. “I left my boyfriend for high speed internet,” one Western State University grad reported. 

A not-so-desperate Crested Butte South housewife uses high speed internet to order female sex toys paid for by her husband’s credit card. “My only escape from my overbearing husband and kids is my office, my cat, my erotic glass-blown gizmo and illegally free downloaded music.” 

Even Western Slope mountain men are catching on. “The women don’t want me anyway,” shouts a drunk Colona cowboy who hasn’t been with a woman in years. All I need is a fast download of the latest Paris Hilton video and I’m good to go!” 

As he proceeds to get slapped by yet another woman who won’t give him the time of day, he throws down a shot of Hack Daniels and adds, “Once you’ve had high speed internet, you’ll never go back to regular dating.” 

“Foreplay took too long with dial-up,” one bald 60-something-year-old on Viagra reported from his Montrose double-wide. “I like my entertainment fast, easy and on the trashy side.” 

The survey pointed out that one in five visit porn sites at least twice daily in their homes while a third of those surveyed get their fix at work on the boss’ time. One Telluride construction worker living out of his river shuttle Toyota secretly enters the company office to look at the Makita Girl-of-the-month on-line. “She’s better than the real thing,” he whispers. 

-Bettie Rides

“Take a deep breath and don’t let it out.”

    – Simple advice on how to deal with stress by Karen and Babs

GPS No Help

The GPS Blues out on the prarie appears to have interrupted Manifild Destiny for these folks back in 1939. “Looking for the Atlantic but we’d take the Pacific,” laughed these stranded and dehydrated refugees who followed a goat path out of St Louis all the way across Kansas. “Follow the sun,” they said. Follow the sun. The North Star don’t help in the day and we got no headlights on this car for the night,” a young companion lamented. When further questioned by rescuers, the trio insisted that their primitive GPS device clearly showed an open road to their destination. “The route was clear on our technology,” said one man. “It just didn’t mention the lack of water and gas stations. We should have known better.”      (Dust Bowl Prints)

Bad Writers Thriving on Mindless Internet

Sadly, sparse conditions remain at an unidentified tropical writer’s detention camp somewhere in South America. Despite expended markets on the internet these scribes often cannot make ends meet. They generally end up in places like this awaiting traial or sentencing. Most are forgotten. 

Bottle Shoot Canned

(Lake City) The popular wine bottle shoot, traditionally held the day following the Lake City Wine and Music Festival will not take place this year due to concerns that it conflicts with the image of clean living and gourmet wine tasting. For the past three years the apres-festival target practice has entertained clean-up crews and titillated the general public.

“We’re not saying we won’t hold the event we’re just saying we won’t hold it on the day after our festival,” said promoters. “Most likely we’ll just save all the bottles and shoot them at the annual Hunter’s Ball in the autumn.”

Concerns that a massive target practice in Town Park is not in keeping with the image of a legitimate wine event, organizers have sought to distance themselves from what is seen as barbarian in some circles.

“Most of our friends turn out for the shoot and we feel it might be in the interest of the festival to distance ourselves from them too,” the principles went on.

“A lot of us are pretty darned disappointed in the cancellation,” said one Spar City marksman, “but we’ll get over it over time.”  

– Merv Ditchwater 

(editor’s comment: The creatrors of this website have no information on whether or not this event is still slated and why. There is questionble value and quite possibly minimal truth in the above news piece. We just liked the headline.)

Surviving the Summer

Tips for insects

with Carl Cutworm, Ph.D., BFD, LSMFT.

Greetings fellow bugs! Ants, grasshoppers, earwigs, white flies and Boxelders. We’re talking to you. This month we will focus on how to stay out of the path of humans this summer and thus how to survive until fall. Keep in mind that, although incidental contact itself with these strange creatures can be deadly, many of these people are actively out to get you. While most of us are forced to co-exist with these brutes of the planet a little common sense and applied knowledge can make the difference between eradication and the big buzz.

First off, one has to understand the long history of animosity between bugs and people. Flying or crawling we always seem to get in their way. While some of us sting and some of us bite most of us a harmless enough and just want to be left to our own devices. Scenario: An innocent boxelder takes a wrong turn and ends up in some country kitchen. Instead of carefully escorting the hapless insect out the door the human steps on him, squashing him so that even his closest family member cannot recognize him. It’s murder! It’s cold-blooded but the hand that wields the fly swatter rules the world. We all know that. Often insect intruders are met with sprays, powders and blows to the head. They say we deserve it in that they don’t buzz around our faces or crash our picnics. How do they know? How many ants are crushed when a human walks across his lawn? How many hornets are baked or smothered when caught in a human’s car on a hot day?

There are no fool-proof answers to this life and death riddle but here are a few tips: 1.) Avoid crowds. People often gather in tight spots leaving no clear escape route for us.  2.) Watch out for open doors and windows. What you seek inside may not be worth it. 3.) The night time is the right time. Bugs have the advantage after dark. 4.) Always look up. Even though humans tend to charge, then retreat the attacks usually come from overhead. 5.) Stand your ground. In many cases they are more afraid of us than we are of them.

From our perspective crashes into windshields at 60 miles per hour, sticking to fly paper or ending up on the wrong side of a shoe cannot be countered, but one does not have to put himself at further risk. Know where you are and plan an escape route. Don’t travel in the company of other bugs…you make an even bigger target. Vary daily routines. Try to show a little control: What bug can so no to a juicy burger or a sweet dessert left out? Tempting as these victuals can be they are dangerous. It’s always better to wait until people throw out scraps and then hit the garbage. For some reason they are not as sensitive about that.

Some insects, like flies give us all a bad name. I for one could give a tinker’s damn when I see a fly get smashed or even caught in a spider’s web. They are bastards, all. Be aware too that, like the spider, there are plenty of other insects out there that will do you harm. Take for instance the Assassin Bug or the Lady Bug. They are in cahoots with the powers that be and can spell instant death for the unwary. Stop fighting amongst yourselves. If we all stick together we can defeat the oppressor. Remember: In the end, after the humans destroy themselves, we shall inherit the earth, not just cockroaches and beetles, but all of us. Be patient.

In closing we would like to remind all of you that humans are way uptight about us eating their plants or laying eggs in the soil. Although these are perfectly natural acts they can get you real dead. Of the multitude of sprays watch out for Bacillus thuringiensis, Neem oil, 1600 X-clude, Pyrethrum spray and assorted fungicides. Contact with these and other chemicals often prove disastrous. Sure, the humans use organic methods to try to run us off. Teas, garlic, horseradish, fertilizers, soaps, pineapple weed or sagebrush extract are gentle to plants but can disorient must insects leaving them spaced out and easy prey for predators. Why do they like their plants so much. And what’s  with this affinity for birds? They just crap all over everything. At least we’re a bit discreet. 

– Sergio Jingles

Next month: Sociopathic Gardening. Passive aggressive methodologies that get results: 

Accelerated growth in spring – watching them die in the fall. Don’t miss it!