Author Archive for M. Toole
Sedimentary Soup
For more realistic metamorphic and igneous recipes
please go to The Moody Foody on Cloud six
Tired of being cooped up on flights? Twenty-five percent more egg room on Rhode Island Red-Eye. The airlines preferred by poultry from Pawtucket to Palm Springs. Our new web page is ducky too!
Do your dentures slip, whistle or click when you talk? New dental dance troupe seeks performers, input, patrons. Bicuspids and molars afternoons only. Amnesty cavities forming soon. Dance your way to good dental hygiene. Marv’s Showboat, Olathe. No Irish.
Organic pumpkins just in time for Rockies’ season opener. Buy crate and receive free turkeys in lieu of World Series tickets in October. Mona, 592201887456 Road. Pea Green Horizons 2. Honk or yell. We got real mean dogs.
NOW LEGAL AGAIN: Lynx/Cougar Bothers Extermination and Interior Decorating. We specialize on large rodents and bad lighting concepts. John Walsh, Go’ment Springs. Certified, bonded, sagebrush compatible.
Football practice not football rehearsal
Learn to speak Canadian like a native. Weekly Classes now forming
Did anyone passing the residence of one Q. Juris Prudence on June 10, 2024 notice anything peculiar about the rose bushes? the bird bath? the septic? Officer A. Ward, New World Security Systems Analysis Code Zero: Protecting us from each other since 2011.
Sourpuss seeks Sugar Daddy for weekend interaction through Labor Day. Even angry people get lonely. I am old and quite wealthy. Vinegar Mary, Powderhorn.
Innovative Trail Shoe waters, aerates, spreads seed and just the right touch of fertilizer. Repair you divets before they reapir you! Sports and Shit, Mañana.
Local brothels” It’s high time you steppd up and did your part for affordable housing. (March 21, 2026)
Crabby old fart with unclear motives and even more mysterious attributes seeks executive position as night watchman or political appointee. M Toole, Colona Vapor Works.
Earn your undergraduate degree in Land Management while you keep your present job! Night classes now forming. Office of Economic Stimulation. Turn right at sage brush.
Are you attractive? Do you dress right? Are you a Go-Getter? Learn to be a famous game show host by enrolling in the Famous Game Show Host School! Total emersion. Total transformation. No violence. Of our over 4000 recent graduates 70% are now employed as television game show hosts! Why hang around at a low-end position with no future when the demand for game show hosts exceeds expectations. Recognized by the Security and Exchange Commission in Washington DC. Cash only. Next to Media Coiffures on your TV dial.
Esmerelda’s Brooms, Brushes and Dusters is now Esmerelda’s Brushes, Brooms and Dusters. Genies in a bottle, Pandora’s Lox on Thursdays if I remember. My friends call me Esmerelda.
For immediate adoption: Three-week old Artisan Mountain Cognac. This deep blend of juniper, sagebrush, wildflowers and hops outpaces other shrill liquids of faint distillation, and lesser alcoholic content. Dark in nature yet light to the touch, our mountain cognac cannot be found in stores. As Grandpa used to say: We pay no tax and neither shall our clientele. By the handy pocket pint or the hillbilly quart. Wholesale agents wanted (Please use goat-porch entrance). White Whiskey tasting room adjacent. 664499339988 Road. Honk first. We got real mean dogs.
Learn the ancient art of pick-pocketing. Successful candidates make up to $1000 in a good morning. Alternative Energy Ventures, Wimpton.
Imagine a country not hobbled by the loud, the frightened and the stupid. – a friend
Mabel: We have sensitive photos of you and your cell phone. Compromising scenes, some at half-mast. Leave $500 in small bills in Silverton-Durango Train car 399 on July 4th or we will go public with photos.
July 24 is the deadline to receive 2025 tax credit for uncut firewood. Call the Department of the Interior.
Win gasoline for life by riding your bicycle to work! Dial 5 or go to Helen Waite.
We need about 2000 strong men to help pull up the asphalt and concrete in Western Colorado and replant the land in hemp and voodoo vines capable of producing table wine for the spice markets of the Far East. Apply in person ready to work: Stimulus Camp 32, Trail of Tears Mesa. Ski in—Ski-out.
DUI Insurance over the phone. No credit checks. No medical exams. Cheaper than the ringer. Avoid the horrors of sobriety on the open highway. No calls accepted from incarceration tanks. Red Light in Your Window Inc.
Alamo Sky Diving Team: You must sign up with the bartender before making further jumps. Failure to do so could result in shortage of parachutes and miscalculation of vertical liquid vertigo. You’ve trusted us up to now. Sign up today. P.S.: Will buy old airplanes. parts, maps. Contact bartender as well.
Head hunters seek corporate bonus babies for firing squad practice. Bonus paid daily. Over Achievers Clubs.
Due to road work and the price of sugar beets the Heeny Tick Festival will once again not take place in July for the 17th year in progression. Interested participants should find something else to do for that weekend. This is a juried event. Gate crashers and squatters will be smashed and splattered.
Close-up photos of Dick Cheney’s forehead. 3 for $1. Rare treasure. Testosterone Brothers, Cow Creek/Paris/Baghdad.
Myrna: When I asked you to marry me I didn’t mean on a weekend when the fish are biting. In July I have to cut firewood. In August I’ll be busy moving livestock and in September I got my traps to check. How about in October unless the Rockies get into the play-offs again? Let’s get together on this. Jingles.
Free Kittens with the purchase of any late model appliance through September. Vegetarian friendly. Testosterone Brothers, Mañana Overlook. No Irish.
Will the party who keeps leaving me cold six-packs on my back porch please start leaving 12-packs. I got me a gal. Dirty Earl, Sapinero Podiatrists Co-op.
Beginning July 31 special police extras will apprehend suspected enemies of the state for deployment in summer reeducation camps all across this great land. If you are an enemy of the state please be packed and ready to go by July 5 so as not to hold up other enemies of the state. If you do not know if you are an enemy of the state please pick up an application form at your nearest law enforcement cartel.
It is idiomatically impossible for any person or persons currently serving in the Trump Administration to be SS war criminals hiding in Argentina because none speaks Spanish. Glotzer is not a German name either.
How many more terrific peace deals Donald?…Gaza/Congo/Ukraine/Thai-Cambodia? If you want the Nobel Peace Prize so bad why not simply buy one?
cheval-de-frise (SHəˌvaldəˈfrēz |noun) 1 a portable obstacle, consisting of a wooden frame covered with spikes or barbed wire, used by the military to close off a passage or block enemy advancement. 2 shards of glass or spikes set into masonry along the top of a wall. No pasaran!
Apology: We posted “And the righteous spoke in thongs.” when it should have read tongues. We are sorry for any inconvenience and mental stress caused for the reverand and his flock. Rev Phil Pharisee, Doctor of Divinity, charlatan, failed fumigator and unsuccessful candidate for the US House of Representatives.
LOCAL ANARCHISTS COMMENT ON CENSUS
Second home owners counted twice in 2030?
(Telluride) Most anarchists around here think a census is a joke. Joining many other less radical elements of the society, these standard bearers claim the figures extracted from the populace in no way indicate anything about who we are or how we live.
Former Telluride grant writer, turned anarchist after one too many town council meetings, says counting heads, officially or otherwise, is just another money laundering operation on the part of the gov’ment.
“They pay census takers to knock on doors and write down statistics. These people aren’t properly trained. What if grandma’s hiding in the cellar or Uncle Bob is out of town?” he said. “It’s simple. A lot of scribble on an official census form is not a valid basis for decision making, funding or any other intrusion. Even if it was it valid and effective would not justify the expense.”
Another anarchist, Mildred Cranmph, of Lawson Hill agrees.
“We must ask ourselves where the feds could better spend the money which they have illegally collected through various rogue taxing agencies,” she flinched. “Then take it another step and ask what effect all that money would have on the economy if it were left to the consumer to spend as he or she saw fit.”
Pro-Census sources wrote off the cries of the anarchists saying that they just sought to sabotage the census taking since it provided cohesion and preserved order in the nation. Authorities fear that efforts to disrupt the census could emerge as the actual tabulations begin.
“In some countries census takers have been threatened and roughed up by rebellious rabble and in some cases kidnapped by factions unfriendly to law and order,” said Marco Rasputin, of the Trivial Liberties Union. “These are brave Americans out to make an honest buck,” he stared. “Who knows what dangers lurk in the hearts of our countrymen? There are domestic disputes that may be encountered. There is the threat of the angry recluse or the lonely motor mouth, and that doesn’t even touch on exhibitionists, bad coffee or mean dogs.”
The anarchists are calling for a boycott of the 2030 census until the federals come to their senses.
“Considering the history of the past 250 years that could take forever,” said Cranmph, who suggests that an inspired and educated guess would do the trick.
“It’s like the football referee who estimates were the ball is down after a play then meticulously measures his presumption with the exactness of 10-yard chains,” said one anarchists who demanded anonymity. “The whole thing is ludicrous, but what isn’t? Why do you think I’m an anarchist anyway? I’ll tell you…It ain’t for the benefits.”
– Melvin O’Toole
The grant writer from above, who claims to have invented the cow tag, thinks the Census is a sham. Others agree calling it yet another act of a stumble-bum government plodding through another meaningless workday.
Mildred Cranmph, a retired navel officer turned anarchist, thinks the census expenditures could be better spent on tanks or the Tomahawk missiles.
CELL PHONES — PAST AND FUTURE
Did anyone ever wonder what it might have been like at the Battle of Little Big Horn if George Custer would have had a cell phone?
He could have texted Major Reno for reinforcements. He could have left a message with Captain Benteen. Hell, he could have employed roaming devices and told General Alfred H. Terry of his predicament. History may have been recorded quite differently providing either a happy or sad ending depending on whom one was rooting for at the time.
But he might not have had enough bars for service out there in the Dakota Territory.
Silly? Perhaps. But consider this: What if the pharaohs had the electronic wonders tucked away in the Great Pyramids or other burial plots. Could they call out for pizza or let their mothers know things weren’t really so bad…you know, being buried with all ones’ worldly goods and all.
Imagine a cell phone on the bridge of The Nina, The Pinta or the Santa Maria. That certainly would have prevented all the stress but the underwater phone lines could have been tapped by New World tribes allowing that group, considering the immediate future, time to organize a proper (albeit violent) reception for the Spanish hordes. This concept, too, depends on the ying and yang and all the rumors of gods arriving from the west…or was it the east?
If cell phones hadn’t taken so long to be developed Napoleon may not have had his Waterloo. He might have called ahead and made dinner reservations elsewhere. Ah, the French…I wonder how difficult would it be to obtain Charlemagne’s unlisted number in the regular phone book? Maurice Chevalier’s? Sandrine Bonnaire’s?
With cellular phones at his disposal, would Robert the Devil, Duke of Normandy have engaged in obscene phone calls in 1027? Would Wamba, King of the Visigoths, still become a monk had the Lombards pestered him after hours regarding cheaper long distance rates? Would Paul Revere still have made his famous ride or would he have simply called ahead to warn of the impending British movements in 1875?
The answers to these questions and the questions themselves are far less absurd than a fat man calling around the corner for ice cream delivery on his cell phone. The entire concept is quite silly indeed. Imagine sending cell phones, in lieu of grain, to starving tribes in Africa. Imagine selfies.
Last month the the NFL’s Denver Bronco receivers were all issued cell phones with their shoulder pads. They fit inside the helmet (part of concussion protocol) so they can talk to Beau any time during a given contest. Next we’ll see the infant cell phone, a small but safe nerf device that allows anyone’s baby carriage to stay on top of developments world wide. It just mounts right there on the stroller. Some say it’s just another status symbol.
Next Month: Invisible Selfies and Calling Baby’s Voice
PIZZA DELIVERY INDUSTRY LARGEST ON SLOPE
(Montrose) With more than 7,000 persons currently employed, the pizza delivery industry has overtaken agriculture as the number one industry on the Western Slope. According to recently released records, some 44,712 pizzas are delivered between Hiawatha and Pagosa Springs, placing the western half of the state 16th in national pizza consumption per capita, and the industry itself 20th in overall gross national product.
“That don’t count them pizzas that is picked up at the counter neither,” said one recent high school graduate enrolled in a local management program.
GUNNISON TO REPLACE TREES
(Craynor Hill) The City of Gunnison will begin replacing all trees within the city limits tomorrow, it was disclosed today. The replanting, financed in part through funds generated by an Arbor Day bake sale, will take approximately three months. Used trees, leveled to make room for new ones, will be chopped up and used to heat the county jail next winter.
“It was time to clean up the place,” said an anonymous city worker. “People had become tired of looking at the same old trees.”
Most major streets will be closed until the operation is completed. Persons interested in contributing seedlings are asked to call city hall.
THE WHETHER
Partly cloudy conditions will continue through mid-afternoon, with an increase in wind expected into the evening. Temperatures in the valleys are almost certain to reach 135 degrees by noon, with highs in the mountains hovering around 110 degrees. The lows tonight will dip down to 45 below zero, with Gunnison recording the nation’s lowest temperature at 80 below zero. A stockmen’s warning has been issued for Ouray and San Miguel Counties, where herd animals have stopped eating altogether and have begun to question authority. Visitors are encouraged to stay indoors unless the situation returns to normal, whatever that might be these days.
Gulf of Mexico Satirists Meet
Disenfranchised satirists, some carrying picts and farm implements, are said to be meeting at secret locations-primed for the coming jousts all over the planet. Gut feelings of many contend that the storm is not just on the horizon but way over the rainbow.
News twisters and union mockers reacted to the rumors that oil has been discovered on Mars and water on the Earth’s only moon with only slight smiles and sighs as if to say “Please. Not again.”
An emerging aw suit against what they call the American Taliban claims deprivation of livelihood, mental stress and hair loss. The satirists say Congressional Republicans and the White House have seized the parody baton and kept them from plying their trade.
“How do I get anyone to be astonished, to ponder, or even to giggle after they’ve seen posters of trump plastered all over the place?” said one lampooner who has taken to his bed and watches Humphrey Bogart films in an attempt to regain his composure.
“These people are more absurd than we could ever make them in words or gestures. It would be funny if they weren’t in charge of the gov’ment.”
“It is difficult to make fun of people who are already head over heels, the classic clowns of the town. When incompetence, arrogance and greed are the rules of thumb, there is no wiggle room for the index finger or even an innocent pinkie,” said Professor B. Esteric Peawit BMI, ASCAP, BFD. LSMFT, of the Good Enough Gulch Peawits, and Visiting Fellow at Stinking Desert Middle School and Accelerated Graduation Institute.*
“Reagan was fun even, in dementia. Clinton was even better with his perverted taste in women. George W was a riot waiting to happen while Obama offered up an easy target. Even Joe Biden (the Gerald Ford of the Modern Age) allowed satirists and late night hosts enough leeway to laugh up one’s sleeve. In the interim, trump can’t take a joke and his followers miss the opportunity to digest the irony inherent to exaggerated critique or ridicule. Teasing is out. Kissing ass is in.”
“Yeh, that too,” chimed the first lampooner.
Consider these presidential satire bullseyes:
Richard Nixon’s jaw and pointed nose
Gerald Ford’s golfball assaults on others at Vail
Jimmy Carter’s toothy smile and his brother Billy
Reagan’s pompadour, jelly beans and Nancy
George senior Bush’s CIA whine and his son Neil
Bill Clinton’s taste in White House aides
Little George’s difficulty with the English language. “Nuculer”
Obama’s White House basketball court
Joe Biden’s German Shepherds
Donald trump’s orange hair, fouled family, greed and racism.
*Professor Peawit was recently dismissed from her position as head of the Body Chemistry and Hand Anatomy Department after the school’s night janitor repeatedly discovered her sleeping in her locker in the teacher’s lounge.
-Kashmir Horseshoe
“If you were wondering how bad these Epstein files are, turns out they’re ‘invade Venezuela’ bad.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
