99 House Republicans Beach Selves

In what is being called instinctual suicide, 99 House Republicans beached themselves on a remote spot off the coast of North Carolina this morning. The former legislators began arriving at dawn, hurling themselves out of the breaking waves and onto the waiting sand.

Gasping for air and exhausted the fat ones expired first, followed by the young firebrands. Soon slippery, flipping bodies littered the area, prompting law enforcement officials to call for cranes and bulldozers to aid in the clean-up. Onlookers, some of who voted Republican in the last election expressed shock and awe on the scene.

The action represents the first time politicians have ended their existence en masse and Washington insiders say it is only the beginning. Many frightened Democrats had threatened to join the beaching but were afraid of the water and stayed away. The rescue effort and clean up were hampered due to polluted waters. Republicans blamed to EPA.

“Good people do not beach themselves,” said one unreliable source who demanded animosity.

“We haven’t conducted business since 2008, quacked a surviving Congressman from Colorado. “It was apparent last month that something was in the wings but we didn’t expect mass destruction.

GOP leaders, including Trump, Pence, Ryan, Sessions and McConnell promised to go down with the boys but reneged at the last moment, whisking off to Florida in an unmarked jet. That leaves a Democrat majority in the lower governing body.

Empty Congressional seats will be filled with sandbags until a special election can be held.

“We have 99 replacements set to replace them but the damned Communist Constitution will not allow it,” said a Trump Whitehouse spokesman who blamed Obama for the incident.

The news comes on the heels of an announcement that The Concussion Rule will not be activated anytime soon and will apply only to Senate.

– Pepper Salte