NEWS BRIEFS

Dr. Pepper Ends Life in Clovis

(Farewell, Texas) The lifeless body of soft drink icon, Dr. Pepper, was discovered at the Enchantment Motor Court late last night after police received a anonymous tip as to a disturbance there. Eye-witnesses say gunshots were first fired at a dysfunctional pop machine and then the perpetrator allegedly turned the gun on himself.

     Dead on the scene was Pepper, who gained early fame as an upbeat personality soon attaining greatness as the inspiration for a hyper cult called Peppers.

     “It’s sad to think of Dr. Pepper engaged in all that dancing around about nothing,” said one resident who lives in his car next to the motel. “I wonder how many bottles of pop those people had to drink to reach such a point of euphoria?”

     It was not clear why Pepper chose Clovis as the site of his bitter end. At present suicide is still illegal in New Mexico. Close associates suggest that poorly managed investments, stomach problems and disappointing romantic interludes may have led to his demise.

     Response from the soft drink industry was mixed with many offering condolences to the immediate family. The more insensitive point out that he wasn’t even a real doctor. Harsh critics say he was an overbearing also-ran who “made a mockery of all that is pure and effervescent.”

     Executives at Dr. Pepper itself say he will be missed. And now comes the tough job of finding a replacement from the over 4000 applications of employment received since yesterday.

     “We’re looking for that special personality that can pull all the other Peppers together,” sobbed one exec and retain our share of the beverage market.” – Suzie Compost

Elves will not make good air marshals say experts

(Denver) Security officials here say plans to employ hundreds of Christmas elves as federal air marshals is a big mistake. They say the elves are lazy, corrupt, often drunk and far too short for the job.

     “We need punctual, strong security personnel with enough muscle to do the job,” said Howard Ducktape, newly named security administrator at DIA, “not some pack of pathetic little clock punchers in pointy-toed shoes.”

     Ducktape went on to recommend that no elves be included on any security force at the airport. He assured travelers that the formation of a professional security team, comprised of federal workers, will be in place before the start of the new year.

     He said the 112-year-old “terrorist” apprehended by trainee elves yesterday was released after questioning. Apparently the retired school teacher from Cahone, whose name was not released, had attempted to board a plane to Reno with knitting needles in her carry-on. After a scuffle it became clear that the elves were no match for the grandma. Despite the fact that they had nixed the knitting needles they could do little to restrain her. Finally she surrendered to National Guardsmen on the scene.

     “She had nothing but praise for everyone, which is typical of  little old ladies,” said Ducktape. “It makes me sick.”

     To show there are no hard feelings the former teacher is said to be busy knitting afghans for everyone.