Theologians warn: Time to stock up on canned* gods

In the event of an eruption, disruption or interruption people need to be fortify and equip their fallout bunkers. This preparation must include storing sustenance as well as water, weaponry and comfort items.

For a simple start we highly recommend  Zeus in heavy syrup  and packs of well-insulated Vishnu moon pies. A little Creamed Venus goes a long way toward keeping the smiles in place Frozen Shiva  for desert? Why not, you only reincarnate up to 40 times before Nirvana.

So as to fight repetition, our cooking editors strongly suggest jerked Odin with rum Thor pudding. Wash it down with jellied Neptune and escalloped Poseidon. MMMM-good.

When the weekend comes we rely on old time favorites like parboiled Xango /filet of Guaraci and artisan Pan. Then wrap it all up with Mars and Jupiter salsa and delight in Nazareth Tea.

Read more in depth in your Candomble’ and Santeria Feijao Banana Leaf pamphlet distributed by Aphrodite Helpers. African recipes (mixed with Colonial Catholicism TV dinners) are easily stored at room temperature below ground. Plan well. You could be living down there for eternity.

If this is too silly to read what can we do? Many of our fellows have preferred to stay on the surface of the planet and reload shells and sharpen their harpoons…By comparison we have a president of the United States that even lies about his height…and why, pray tell, is he making Veteran’s Day speeches.

-Pepper Salte

*The term canned does not always interface well since it implies prerecorded/derogatory. See canned laughter.