Black Bear Have Right to Eat Hikers says Supreme Quart

(Washington DC) The nation’s highest court today decided in favor of bears over humans when it comes to dining manners and culinary survival in the forest. Voting unanimously in favor of Black Bear, Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bear the justices handed down the determination with little fanfare despite a barrage of media attention attached to what many are calling a bloodless coup.

It was a dazzling victory for the bruins who, although always hungry, prefer other delicacies such as honey, berries and the rotting carcasses of cows buried to sel in the flavor for down the road feasts. Despite a sad status down the food chain humans remain as potential meals on the run since they are often slower and less evasive than other game.

Controversies such as this one, classified as domestic in nature, are often blamed for slowing down the judicial system, leaving more pressing matters to take a back seat in an already backlogged system. The bear question, however has been on the docket for over three months and, with human-bear contact season aproaching, it cried out for answers.

The ruling is aimed at clearing up misinformation and presumptions long held by people recreating within the vast domain of bear. It did not undress dangers from mountain lions or moose, two species deemed more aggressive toward traditional habitat.

Most Americans have never even seen a bear much less been eaten by one but the issue made it to the Supreme Court anyway. Experts confirm tht there are more bear in the Rockies than people. Elusive and shy the animals are rarely observed in the wilds unless a hair-raising confrontation develops. People who hope to see a bear up close are often sorry for their wish.

“I guess the verdict is quite important to people who spend a good deal of time out in the woods,” said Al Pine, a wildlife biologist working in the Northern Rockies. “It’s also important to the bear who have been in limbo on the subject for centuries.It’s kind of their Make My Day law.”

Favoring wildlife over humans could open up a whole new can of worms according to Pine.

“If a bear is in the mood to eat someone or some thing he/she will probably not feel more entitled or ethical with legality on their side,” quaffed Pine. ‘He will just chomp.”

Recent lower court opinions protecting Alaskan Browns, Grizzlies and Polar Bears served as precedent in the monumental decision. Urban and high population density districts are more likely to support the legislation than are people living in bear country, co-existing with the protected bruins.

– Small Mouth Bess