Taliban Buying Pickups

(Silverton) Representatives of the outlawed Taliban will be in town this week purchasing small pickups used in their military operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan. The militant Islamic sect reportedly goes through 200 of these vehicles per month due to military action and general deterioration due to rough roads, harsh climates and driver abuse.

Taliban movements, thought to be limited to South Asia, were neither confirmed nor denied by local authorities. Persons wishing to sell vehicles are advised that this is considered treasonous and that all transactions are cash only.

Many locals here say they figure drones (unmanned missiles) will get most of the trucks once they arrive in Afghanistan.

“I don’t see anything wrong with selling a lemon to these bastards,” said one woman, “besides I need the money for firewood.”

The Taliban are expected in Ouray on Friday and in Paonia on Saturday unless they are intercepted and blown up by U.S. Coast Guard. A bounty of $500 has been placed on the assembled heads of these desperate assassins who say they snuck into the country on an illegal Barnacle Cruise last week.

“They are especially interested in Nissans and Hondas and they appear willing to deal for parts,” said the source. “They are avoiding larger models such as Explorers, Tahoes, Yukons and Hummers since they associate these large SUVs with Born Agains.”

According to one rather talkative Taliban, dressed in a loud, plaid burka, “Mohammed, or even Jesus would not have driven one of these opulent chariots and neither shall we.”

– Alfalfa Romero