AARP DAMNS CANDY CANES

Team Up With Toothless

(Sun City) Candy canes are not politically correct and discriminate against seniors says the American Association of Retired Persons. The powerful lobby group has petitioned Congress to outlaw the striped Christmas treat.

“Not only do these evil candies depict an immobile crew of elders but they focus on the shortcomings of the handicapped as well,” said an effervescent Jodie Twitte, a 22-year-old press secretary for the group. “In short, we don’t want children playing with the necessary tools of the aged. We don’t want them viewing their grandparents as reliant on canes to get around.”

Twitte added that the red and white colors are offensive to some older Americans who have grown bald and no longer need to go to the barber.

“What about people who don’t have teeth and can’t enjoy the candy? Who will speak up for them?” she plinked.

The AARP, recently criticized for reminding quinquagenarians of their inevitable aging, has pledged to get the canes off the market. They have already threatened to go to quart with the makers of Viagra and several RV manufacturers if they don’t get their way.

“Isn’t this a lot like throwing out the baby with the bath water,” asked fifth wheel cliché giant Melvin Toole, always a bridesmaid but never a bride. “I don’t know what that means but I love to throw metaphors around in the age of senior citizen discounts and the demise of sociable security.”

– H.L. Menoken

“They were the champs, work wasn’t for them, they lived off the rest. They emptied their glasses, and now they were ready to wiggle their asses.”

– from The Green House by Mario Vargas Llosa.