Wind Takes Toll on Flag Persons

(Ridgway) Powerful winds have made life all but intolerable for flaggers working on highways here according to “anonymous sources in orange”. While performing other tasks in the gusty thrusts is no picnic, standing in one spot for eight to ten hours per day is shear hell.

     “I’d rather freeze or melt than be chipped away at by the wind,” said one veteran of the roads. “I don’t know why we can’t do all these repairs in January and February when we have nice, calm weather.”

     Other workers suggested that temporary domes be built over the roadway that is under construction. Drivers might enjoy a stroll, drink a cup of coffee or just chat while the roadwork plunges on. After that chunk of the asphalt is readied the dome slides north or south and protects another segment of society.

     Although no real relief is in sight, sources high on the food chain at C-DOT report zero casualties as the result of wind. Last Friday, however, one man, Ed Chicopee Jr of  Ridgway, was picked up and carried half way up Dallas. Ten minutes later his 340-pound mass landed safely, and without further incident, in a neighbor’s haystack.

     At first eye witnesses thought the flight was some sort of astronaut stunt but when he didn’t come back someone called headquarters.

     “We found Ed a bit stunned but all right and gave him the rest of the day off. He’s got a desk job now,” said a spokesperson for the highway department, plotting yellow dot and dash patterns along the center of the asphalt. We’re not sure what they mean but he’s enjoying the challenge.”

     Bosses here hope that sessions in Gestalt/Primal Scream therapy will reduce friction on the job. Employees have been rather testy of late. It’s the wind. This therapy is offered free every Saturday morning in the Rangely office and all affected employees are urged to attend.     

     In a related development sources the Colorado Department of Highways still won’t tell us who made the decision to use a highly-toxic Magnesium-Chloride solution on the roads this winter. The stuff, which reputedly kills trees, rusts cars and, yes, melts snow was never employed back when it used to snow regularly…so stop doing it.