All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Payment to reach billions Mexican government settles with West End
(Nucla) The Mexican government has agreed to pay West End residents over 3.2 billion dollars in retribution for war atrocities allegedly committed in 1847, during in what the victors longingly refer to as the Mexican War.
Although short-lived, the conflict was over by early 1848, the war saw the United States gain more than 525,000 square miles of new territory. It also saw some of the most brutal atrocities ever committed on American soil, unless you count behaviors aimed at the First Americans, African slavery, the labor wars, the wild buffalo, and Manifest Destiny.
In June 1847 a contingent of Mexican cavalry crossed the San Miguel River near Redvale and headed west toward Naturita. Militias stationed in the Twin Cities had no prior warning and scurried to protect the uranium fields from the coming assault. Alas, it was too late and as dusk settled on the first day of the battle the Mexican cavalry had occupied the uranium mines and downtown Naturita to boot.
“It was ugly…what happened then,” said a 162-year old retired General who was just a boy during the war. “The Mexican troops forced the local citizenry to gather up all the tequila and turn it over to the provost marshal. Then they held the men at gun point while the women were forced to cook green chili and chorizo through the night and into the next day. All this with that Mariachi music blasting and the festive south-of-the-border decorations hanging off every cedar tree.”
The boy, later commissioned as a three-star general, escaped from the melee and warned General Winfield Scott of the shortages his troops might face if they ever visited the Paradox Valley. For this he was presented the Victorian Cross and given a poorly-built dream house in Telluride.
Meanwhile the debauchery continued with the Mexican soldiers chowing down and the women cleaning up. Sparse looting also occurred according to eyeball witnesses. The town was a wreck with chairs turned over, tablecloths stained with salsa and even a lamp or two smashed. Herds of sheep were scattered or worse.
In 1870, following the American Civil War the residents and descendants of these victims filed suit against the Republic of Mexico for damages. Included were accusations that the Mexicans still held much of the uranium and that several residents experienced stomach disorder and gas from the feast. The women filed a separate suit claiming harassment in that they were forced to clean up the mess.
“The settlement might have been minimal had the Mexican government acted right away,” said General Kashmir Horseshoe, once the young man who had witnessed the atrocities. “However some 150 years later the interest alone has to be calculated in the billions.”
Today, due in part to the Mexican government’s desire to remain on the good side of the Obama Administration, residents of Nucla and Naturita are perched at the business end of a hearty windfall. Experts estimate that every living occupant in the Twin Cities will receive 1.2 million dollars before the end of 2014.
“You’ll be seeing a lot more of those fancy double-wides around here,” said Horseshoe who only yesterday moved out of his tin castle and into a ante Belgium mimosa-lined ski chalet overlooking fashionable Hopkins Field. ” – Melvin Toole
Newsprint Safe for Fish and Chips
(Dublin) After extensive carbon-plate investigation, the governments of Ireland and England have determined that the traditional practice of wrapping fish and chips in newspaper is not only expedient but is perfectly healthy.
The impulse packaging, which has become standard in such places as Wales and Scotland as well, has been deemed safe due in part to the antiseptic nature of grease.
“I remember the Suez campaign back in the Forties,” said one retired British major, turned health official. “We were afraid to drink the water so we added massive quantities of cheap scotch whiskey and bitters. It was easier than all that bloody boiling. Although no one liked the mixture everyone stayed reasonably healthy. It’s the same with the cooking oil.”
Fish and chip purveyors here in Ireland expressed relief in that they will not be forced to obtain substitute packaging materials.
“We’ve always got a stack of newspapers around,” said Connie Sullivan, of Rosscarbery, in West Cork. “In fact one paper from Western Colorado sends us old issues which it says helps substantiate circulation figures.”
It was not clear what action might have been taken if health officials had deemed newsprint unsafe.
“There would be hell to pay when the pubs close and the lads wanted something to read with their late night tea,” said Sullivan. It’s bad enough the publicans jacked the price of a pint up to two pounds, three pence, but start messing with the price of a man’s nourishment and you might have another civil war on your hands.”
– Small Mouth Bess
POP QUIZ
Take out your notebooks and number 2 pencils. It’s time for your monthly mental checkup. Answer the questions to the breast of your ability.
1. Why is it that one can’t trust the average house cat with a 3-pound tuna while it is quite appropriate to leave the same cat in the care of the tuna for up to 12 hours without incident?
2. The Exxon Corporation contributes to Save the Tigers yet there are none of the species within a 200 mile radius of Prince William Sound. Elaborate.
3. Name all the cities mentioned in James Brown’s version of Night Train.
4. Sub-commander Marcos is a member of what political party? In what state does he reside? Doesn’t it bother you that your government is training the military to smother valid peasant revolts south of the border down Mexico way?
5. Since coming to power the Vatican Popery has designated over 280 new saints. Name them.
Get started. You have only until 2016 to complete this section.
Comic Pages Good For Mental Health
(Gotham City) According to a new federal study the daily digestion of the comix leads to a happier, better adjusted human being. Of over 6,000 daily newspaper readers surveyed 45% said they read the comic pages daily. 28% said they read them first. Of that group, only three people complained of depression or said they felt displaced or disenfranchised from society.
“After digesting the front page and the editorials many people need to lighten up,” said one researcher, “and that’s where the comics page comes in. Completing the crossword puzzle, reading the horoscope, even consuming the sports pages don’t seem to offer the inner peace found in the comic strips.”
For decades the feds have tried to manipulate the comics by sneaking propaganda and government agendas onto these pages. The attempt has failed however since federal agencies often lack a basic sense of humor. The embrace of the internet news has lessened the number of people reading the traditional comic pages but these same control groups seek out humor and comics elsewhere on the web according to the results collected here.
“Veteran comic page readers see through all the hype,” said the source. “They’re looking for simplicity and escape. The diversity of humor found in the strips offers something for every interest and mental capacity.”
Experts liken reading the comics to soaking one’s bunions in a hot pail of water or day dreaming. Some even consider the behavior to have therapeutic value since it is not intellectually threatening. They compare the practice to meditation or prayer.
“The comics offer a secure format with familiar characters who are usually predictable,” according to a 34,000-page report released this week. “Regular readers relate to the characters and their predicaments, often resolved in a few frames. Perusers of the funny pages gain tranquil entertainment value without the noise and control of television or the demands of more serious reading.”
The study also implied that many people can’t tell the difference between the comics and the regular news, especially TV news which is not generally meant to be comedy or even amusing.
“Television is already so stupid that it doesn’t need comic relief,” continued the report which adds that boob tube addicts are one of the most pathetic groups on the planet.
The cost of the study was just over $6.5 million.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Rock Soup
Counterfeit cow licenses, eagle feathers, Havana cigars, Columbine bouquets, marijuana seeds, removed mattress tags, banned assault rifles, bogus hunter safety cards, over-the-counter whiskey on Sunday. Illegal Segal, Guano Boulevard.
Low-income deer and elk can talk to professional taxidermists on Tuesdays through November. Call the DOW.
Need a place to hibernate for a night or two. The Ouray Victorian Inn is now offering deluxe accommodations TWO FOR THE PRICE OF JUAN through November. Call them or just sleep outside.
Desperately seeking ride to Mexico or Canada on Saturday, October 12. Will return in mid-November. Call Lawrence Elk or John Doe at the Uncompahgre Plateau Sinclair. Leave message.
The 90th Annual Psorophaora Mosquito Family Reunion/Swarm will be held at Dengue Town Park on November 28 despite reports of high water. Bring covered fish. Pupae OK. No flies.
Need: Person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday through the winter season. Applicant must have good driving record and current driver’s license. No mystics. Simple vision test will be administered to some successful candidates. Demonstrated ability to get along well with the long-term clientele will be considered a plus. Stop by in person and ask for Mr. Curtains.
Hunters: Did you happen to notice a mature marijuana crop out in the National Forest recently? Well, for crying out loud, man, keep it to yourself! We may not be paying taxes on the sale of the stuff but at least we ain’t on the welfare rolls. Western Slope Organic Hemp Coop, Surface Creek Exchange.
College-educated potato peeler needed to give stimulating lectures and prepare truck stop food at local hunting camp. Heavy drinker preferred but will train. Mother’s Guide and Outfitting, 23 Dead End Place, Hardwood Sprangs.
Jake Brake Cologne – The right scent for the over-the-road warrior who hopes to make it down to Ouray before dark. Available at Red’s Mountain Pass, Otto’s and other fine eateries with large parking lots. Bottled under the strict supervision of her majesty, Mother Cline.
Found: Pair of full-figure panty hose near Ophir Loop. To claim please leave description at post office.
Tex-change operations daily at our secret clinic in Taylor Canyon. Guaranteed semi-painless or your deposit cheerfully refunded. References not an obstacle. Millions of delighted customers. Ask for Dr. Snorte.
Public Notice: The circus act “Jungle Jim’s African Lions” will now be doing business as “The African Lions”. Furthermore, the remaining entertainment principals will no longer be responsible for the past exploitations, manipulations and private debts of the late James “Jungle Jim” Tamer (11/5/13).
Goose fertilizer $25 per ton firm. Guaranteed to grow, healthy, strong birds. Tom Collins Farms.
Get paid for not mowing your lawn. Contact a federal government near you.
Afraid to fly? Hey, with all the terrorism, trigger-happy pilots and bad food who wouldn’t be? Now there’s help. We’ll fly for you. Any destination. Any schedule. Hell, we’ll even haul luggage given to us by people we don’t know. Bonus: Sign up today and we will arrange to have people meet you outside the airport or drive you to the nearest bus station. Big Bird Ltd., Antelope Hills.
For sale: Military surplus from much-maligned War on Drugs. Perfect for second home or military bunker system. Federal subsidy available for starter militias. See Mr. Winn at the Sandinista Gun and Tool Show at Jingo Auditorium. Three years ago we couldn’t even spell camouflage and now we are invisible.
Devious drunkard seeks small, beat up trailer for use during the colder months. Will be constantly late on rent and leave the whole shooting match a mess when spring arrives and I go back out to sleep in the woods. References on request. Will also consider caretaker position unless I decide to go to Mexico for the holidays. Warren of Wexley at Apocalypse Liquors, Wimpton Circle.
BUY DEER AND ELK DIRECTLY FROM JAPANESE MARKETS. Contact Jane Honda at the newly remodeled Super Fund Complex.
Will wash your car all winter in return for long distance telephone privileges in your home. Got any sisters? Whitewater Walt. Watch for me in the ditch along Highway 50.
Hunters: Is your blood alcohol higher than your IQ? For complimentary consultation contact the Colorado Highway Patrol before it contacts you.
I retired at six-years-old. So can/should you. Send $25 for kit to Melvin Toole c/o this rattle sheet.
Loose 200 pounds of basic body fat just by watching daytime television. Send $10 to Voodoo Electronics, c/o Toole Belts, Box 615, Gunnison, CO 81230.
Gelded love seat for sale cheap. It didn’t wok out and I’m giving up on men. Wanda Wanna, Placerville. Also for lease: Some dog hair. Sal Dalmatian, General Delivery, Crested Butte.
Want to shoot real big deer and elk right off your porch in a few years? Desperate! Need place to dump 145,000 cubic yards of radioactive waste quickly. All offers considered. No real estate agents please. Send sealed bids to Director of Mutations, Umetco Animals and Minerals, Uravan, CO 81436
