Aliens Coming Out in Record Droves

(Lake City) The recent, seemingly overnight, acceptance of gays in this culture has encouraged many aliens to come out of the closet. This burgeoning tolerance, at least at the polls, has allowed many aliens to declare orientations and preferences where real identities had been in hiding.

Along with marijuana growers these visitors from other planets and solar systems had been forced underground, embracing a low profile existence except within closed circles. Now, more and more, these same aliens are beginning to live their lives as who they want to be: Extraterrestrials!

In some parts of the country the majority of residents claim alien ancestry. This is particularly acute in remote locales and rural precincts.

“The space wanderers often preferred to make their entries in less mainstream spots where they might assimilate easier,” said Dr. Egram Orbit of Hinsdale Star Institute. “We have been watching UFOs land around here for decades. In a place where eccentricity is the mountain boilerplate, these new arrivals find that surviving the harsh winters is more difficult than lining them up at the local bar.”

The coming out display is particularly emancipating for the more than 150,000 aliens who had been living under Bakersfield, California and Detroit, Michigan. Many have been living in deplorable conditions without the light of day since the 50s when they were uprooted from homes in Area 51 and sent to reeducation camps in Los Angeles.

“Most of the space people escaped from the minimum security internment facilities and resettled under major U.S. cities such as Atlantic City, Rockford, Illinois and Phoenix,” continued Orbit.

“Your gov’ment has been conducting a series of cloning experiments since 1947 in Nevada and New Mexico,” said a representative of the Obama Administration. “We simply picked up where the Bush people left off. Today we have aliens working in every department of government, including the White House, Pentagon and the Congress. These are not support personnel but rather policy stalwarts and decision makers.

“Does the name Dick Cheney ring a bell? How about Nancy Pelosi?” he chided.

In a related piece, NASA has announced that (North Korean) Dear Leader, Kim Jong-un and sidekick flamboyant basketball celebrity Dennis Rodman are definitely from another solar system, an accusation not denied in Pyongyang.

“It’s all explained in the tattoos,” said Orbit. “Connect the dots and the entire rationale will become startlingly clear.”     -Irm Peawit

–FINAL ANNOUNCEMENT–

Saturday is the last day to take advantage of gratis pickup of old, tired opinions and decomposed superstitions. Residents and guests wishing to enjoy this free removal and same day deposit at the local landfill should simply store their trite convictions, frazzled sentiments and threadbare assumptions on the curb in the pretty blue baskets and not in dirty pails with the other garbage. Colorado residents are again reminded that they have until Thursday to comply with new regulations as to the indiscriminate burning of fossil fuels for personal use. Vehicles over 30 years old will no longer be eligible for free checkups due to cost cutting measures adopted by state agencies and Medicar, which lost federal funding in the face of the high cost of waging war in the Mideast. Thanks for your attention to this pressing matter – Testosterone Brothers Sanitation

DOW Doing Fine After Botched Hunting Season

(Denver) It’s business as usual in Division of Wildlife bunkers on North Broadway today despite what most Coloradans are calling the poorest hunting season since records have been kept. In what has all the earmarkings of a federal foul up, the 2013 hunting season has been put out to pasture.

Even though most merchants suffered economic losses due to DOW bungling there are certainly no plans for lay-offs or adjustments within the ranks of Game and Fish. Already the wardens of our deer and elk are making plans to sell more overpriced licenses next season.

“The problem is one of confusion mixed with arrogance,” said Melvin Toole, a hunter from Mack. “What’s all this business about drawing for regions and over-the-counter cow elk tags anyway? It’s just a mess. What’s wrong with the concept of three seasons? We had deer season first, then elk season followed by combined season. I for one favor a boycott on all this DOW crap and the return to farmer’s season.”

The last season mentioned by Toole involves poaching, a DOW term for people shooting their own deer and elk without bureaucratic intrusion.

“We don’t like to hear citizens talking like that, said Earl Tagger, a lifer at the division. “If everyone took that attitude we’d lose a bundle and wouldn’t be able to continue to finance our protective harassment of Colorado’s animals. We’d have to close down.”

Toole says collected statistics could be applied to bear, elk, salmon, coyotes, moose, marmots and even the wolves that we don’t have here.

“If the state boys would simply do their math they might fall across a valid conclusion from time to time,” said Toole. “Maybe a return to hunting cats would help preserve the deer herd. It’s too late to back off now. We’ve already messed with the natural order. Today survival of the fittest is defined as a game and fish employee who survives until retirement.”

Hunters’ rights groups add that there are more deer killed on the highway than were killed this season.

“Imagine a group of hunters from Pennsylvania who plan to come west but can’t figure out the seasons. We’ll soon be seeing these people in Wyoming and Idaho,” they say. “While some of our Colorado citizens think this is a good idea many of us look at the situation strictly from the economic realities of the past. Due to escalating license fees the classic good ol’ boys that used to come here every autumn can’t afford to do so anymore. Instead we get more rich folks from the suburbs and they’re just not as much fun to have around.”

In related news the federal gov’ment has announced plans to drop unearthed woolly mammoth DNA onto the plateaus of Northwest Colorado and release nomadic reindeer herds onto the ski slopes of Powderhorn, Monarch and Crested Butte. The forced hosting of reindeer is said to be payback for leased Forest Service land. The DNA, recently collected from the extinct woolly mammoths in ice encased Siberian caves, is reportedly to be nurtured for future cloning experiments.

Later the conclusive results of the research will be stored in Nevada, along with industrial residue, nuclear waste and other elements the human race has created but doesn’t know what to do with at present. – Suzie Compost

Uncle Ben defects to China

(Denver) Longtime American icon and third cousin to former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Uncle Ben (no last name given), has reportedly fled the US for the People’s Republic of China where he has allegedly applied for political asylum.

The defection is believed to be linked to Uncle Ben’s efforts to avoid serving concurrent prison sentences for tax evasion and alleged conspiracy to sell top-secret rice recipes to Vietnam. According to attorneys for the rice icon their former client flew to Hanoi via Havana on Friday without their knowledge. In addition they insist that Uncle Ben could have easily beaten the tax evasion rap had he stuck around.

“In a country where everyone attempts to avoid paying taxes why did the Department of the Treasury decide to go after a kindly, old man like Ben?” asked one lawyer. “Indications are that this was not a random audit and that many other pre-civil rights Blacks have been called on the carpet by the IRS.”

The estrangement is viewed by any as a slap in the face to the Obama Administration which had once considered Uncle Ben for a position with the Department of Homeland Security. Only two months ago the converted rice expert was a guest at the White House.

A spokesperson for Condoleezza Rice said Uncle Ben had been ostracized by Rice family members over the holidays for his well documented haughty Hunan attitude and elitist political views as to feeding the world.

“In no way should Ms. Rice be hauled over the coals due to the blatant indiscretions of distant relatives,” said the spokesperson. “That would be like blaming Oprah Winfrey for Amos and Andy or the war in the Congo.”

When contacted the Chinese Consulate here denied all knowledge of the defection saying it would release a statement after fluffing the rice.   – Gabby Haze

Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Next Year

(Washington) The federal government has decided to make Thanksgiving a Monday holiday in keeping with its concept of uniformity. The holiday, in which citizens give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its inception in 1623.

In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Unionist, Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays or Expos get into the World Series.

“It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.

“Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.

Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.

“These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”

Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.

“We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.”   – Melvin Toole

POLKA, OLIVE OIL LIFE ENHANCING

(Gunnison) Persons who regularly dance the polka and consume olive oil will live longer says a study conducted at Western State Colorado University here. The almost alarming result comes as no surprise and the future becomes painfully clear: We need more polka bands and need to plant and cultivate healthy high-altitude olive trees.

Already so many local economic development groups are on it, or at least scheduling a series of meetings to discuss the matter.

Researchers agree that long life expectancy in polka-friendly segments of Eastern Europe confirms their findings. They add that people in the Mediterranean region, whose diet is all but synonymous with olive consumption, live beyond the age of 100. Low stress was also factored in to the formula.                                                 – Melvin O’Toole

Air Guitar Academy Closes Doors

(Escucha al Monte) The Solo Air Guitar Academy, a social fixture in the region since 1955 has announced its closure effective tomorrow morning. Calling the event unfortunate, sources there say the program was simply a victim of the times.

“Kids today are far too abstract to be entertained strumming the air and pressing fake cords for hours no matter how much they like the tune,” said one instructor who has worked at Solo since it’s founding.

Called Berry Institute at the time, in honor of rocker, Chuck Berry, the musical program has undergone little change since that time holding on tightly to traditions and showing a stubborn streak when it came to adopting new techniques, especially the use of 8-tracks and cassettes, then digital recording and ipods.

“Air guitar is air guitar,” stressed another instructor who embraces a more classical approach to the musical mime. “Either you have faith or you don’t. Everyone fantasizes about being the lead guitar picker or even fingering the bass. People today expect to be entertained by outside stimuli like television and the internet. They don’t have time for this kind of nonsense, at least in a social regimentation.”

SWAT Team Responds to late flies

(Ridgway) The local volunteer civilian SWAT team has released figures on its celebrated autumn fly offensive that stretched, at high water mark, from Cow Creek to Elk Meadows. Confirmed kills number in the tens of thousands. In Carne Canyon alone the orange-clad troops told of heavy fighting and a complete defeat for the bothersome insects that, affected by recent cold weather, seemed listless and slow to react to assaults.

One local red crack told The Horseshoe that all the commotion was disturbing the local bear, many which already suffer from acute hibernatus interruptus. He called on all sides to cease hostilities until the spring.

In a related piece the local chapter of the Unwed Mother’s of the American Revolution is hosting a rummage sale to benefit operations along the border with Latin America. With over 4000 members patrolling the stretch between Nogales and Naco the UDAR hopes to raise $20,000 to purchase lemonade and cookies given to refugees in the Sonoran Desert.