All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Don Woodbury RIP
The Gunnison Valley lost a real good one with the recent passing of Don Woodbury. He will be missed.
Local Stations Caught Making up Weather
Bland Valley — Rain Or Shine –Sept 27, 2016
Police have arrested more than 15 Colorado “executive weather personalities” in connection with alleged misuse of FCC licensing, falsifying weather patterns and concocting fictitious reports. In addition over $1000 worth of illegal solar storm telescopes, a flock of undernourished homing pigeons and an assortment of pornographic weather charts.
“It has been on our radar for some time,” said one FCC enforcer who hopes this indictment might grow to include news sources that lie or bend the truth. “Our information is being seriously tampered with by those who seek a dumber audience. It’s all a mater of controlling what we think and do.”
Many in custody have admitted that their entities have been making up the weather that they broadcast. Some have simply reused previously used forecasts in a cost-saving effort since they feel a high percentage of their TV viewers do not have the skills to decipher what is going on around them.
One station, in keeping with seasonal boundaries, simply throws the dice or cuts cards to determine what tomorrow might be like.
“If we throw doubles it’s gonna rain and if we throw higher than a combination of six it will most likely be sunny,” said one incarcerated talking head. “If we throw doubles twice in a row the world is going to end but we let our crack news team handle that announcement.”
At the preliminary arraignment one former “weather gal” told of wild parties on the set featuring soggy nachos and even 3.2 beer. The participants felt as though they were bulletproof and believed solstice to be Satan’s holiday.
If convicted the whole slew could face hard time but most likely they will simply be shot or banned from the airwaves. Citizens have the ability to predict their own local weather and do not need to listen to these idiots each morning and afternoon. They just need to go outside.
The FCC has pledged to clean up the misinformation omnipresent in today’s oligarch media.
“It’s too bad people can’t wake up and see what’s happening to them. They prefer to blame poor people and minorities for their station in life rather than blaming the people power brokers,” whispered a court reporter. “It’s just like fishing. When I was younger my Uncle Red used to lob dynamite into a pond and throw a fish fry. You can’t do that today.”
She did not nor was encouraged to elaborate.
– Fred Zeppelin
Alaska’s Renaissance Man
(Juneau, Alaska — 52 Poster Review — September 26, 2016)
Jeff Brown has been entertaining himself for decades. Fortunately he’s been entertaining the rest of us as well. But why does this seemingly normal, former Coast Guard sailor and Groucho Marx aficionado insist on hanging the hilarious posters of biting satire all along the Gastineau Channel?
No one, last of all Brown, can answer that question.
Maybe he’s a futuristic super hero or maybe he’s a lunatic but that’s no way to talk about a man that was recently recognized for lifetime achievements by the Alaskan Governor’s Awards for the Arts.
Maybe, as many fear, it is Brown’s attempt to take over the world.
“This guy has no boundaries,” said a former colleague at The Juneau What, a funny paper published here some year ago. “He redefines multi-media.”
Jeff is an accomplished musician, does public radio shows for children, creates crazy postcards, publishes Real Alaska Magazine and produces traveling magic shows. He also founded the Alaska Folk Fest and established a growing worldwide celebration of the wonderful world of balloon animals. (He is the standing balloonist laureate).
“Look! It’s him! The one in the invisible clown suit! Grab him! Catch him before he gets away!”
Impacted by such groups as Firesign Theater, Jeff sounds a lot like a guy that has just won a prestigious award. Whether he is in Juneau, Sitka or Ketchikan people know him as the man with the big imagination.
“What inspires a person to twist a balloon into a shape of a moose or take photos of someone vacuuming a glacier or run for mayor in a gorilla suit? asks writer Ed Schoenfeld in a recent piece on Brown.
You’d never hear it from Brown but let’s hear it from him anyway:
“I guess it all centers around making people happy. That’s kind of what I’ve given myself as “job in life”: to make people smile and to make their lives a little bit easier to live,” he said.
About the only thing Brown hasn’t done is sell hot dogs.
“Never sold hot dogs,” he said.
-Melvin Toole
IRS Takes Two Weeks Off
Ogden UT — Here Today Bulletin — September 25, 2106
In a drastic break with tradition the Internal Revenue Service and its Political Arm, The Department of the Treasury will take a two-week vacation starting in late May. Although the details of the adjournment were of corpse top secret, we have a few details to share with our readers.
The entire staff will fly to northern South Dakota where agents will be trained in the ancient art of turnip bleeding, using leeches and other parasites as allies in their hold work. Getting blood from the local turnips is considered a rite of passage within the taxing cult.
Last year gold agents discovered a stash of tax money buried out back that had been forgotten or discarded in 1994. Not knowing what to do, he and several of his accelerated counterparts set it afire. Due to the stank, clammy mold that had formed on the currency it took an estimated 3 weeks to smolder into molten ash.
Citizens who owe tax or citizens classified as fiscal/political prisoners should remain at home until the summation of this well-deserved furlough. Persons awaiting trial or sentencing are asked to pay up and avoid further inconvenience. The vacation, bankrolled by undocumented funds collected from the bowels of agency coffers, is the first of its type since 1935 when the entire Treasury Department visited Constitution Hall in Philadelphia on the way to apprehending Al Capone up in Chicago.
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“…when I reached Grafton Street, the pavements were like the top of an oven and I was glad for the high stool in the pub for the safety of the soles of my feet.”
– Brendan Behan, The Borstal Boy
