All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
HUNTERS TAKE 7,000-POUND ELK
(California Mesa Bigger is Best News November 25, 2016)
Texas hunters today nailed what is probably the largest bull elk ever seen around these parts. Weighing in at just over 7,000 pounds the wapiti charged right into the record books outpacing all former competitors. His status as deceased will not create a negative impact on the accolade.
Biologists circulating the region suggest that the giant elk may have wandered over the plateau from the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) after feasting on tailings from uranium days.
“Sometimes exposure to radium has adverse effects on wildlife, as well as humans, said one biologist. “Those boys (the hunters) won’t be hungry for a long time.”
It was later learned that the hunters would keep the trophy rack and donate the meat to a local cafe.
“Tis an old maxim in the schools, that flattery’s the food of fools. Yet now and then your men of wit, will condescend and take a bit.”
– Jonathan Swift in Cadenus and Vanessa
Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks
(Ouray, CO Don’t Bug Me Press November 24, 2016)
Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the early summer.
Late rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.
Most say they are already looking forward to spring.
The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.
Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.
-Syd Fardt
“Next to a circus there ain’t nothin’ that packs up and tears out quicker than the Christmas spirit.” – Ken Hubbard
And don’t be late either!
Infomercial by Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine
The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues
Brought to you in living black and white by O’Hara’s Foot Powder. Ask for it by name at your friendly kapellmeister.
The scene: The Cleavers house at the dinner table
Jane: Don’t be such a stuffed shirt, Tarzan. You haven’t seen Ward Cleaver since the war.
Tarzan: Not like Ward. Him know-it-all.
Jane: Ssssh. Here they come now. Hello June. Hello Ward. Hello boys. My the boys are getting bigger everyday.
Wally: A miracle of modern biology.
June: Now Wally that’s no way to speak at the table.
Ward: I always say, the manners learned at the dinner table will dictate the kind of man…
Wally: Shut up, Ward.
Tarzan: This wildebeast tough, June. How long dead?
Jane: Tarzan! I’m surprised at you. It’s not wildebeest. It’s fried marmot.
June: Oh, that’s OK, Jane. I may have mixed up the zip-lock packages from the freezer. It does have that wildebeest texture…Hmmm, but the package clearly said marmot…
Beaver: Someday I hope to be the curator of paleontology here at the community college.
Ward: Good boy, Beaver. That’s the stuff! I always say, dinner etiquette formulates later behavior patters. Why, even if a young man eats nothing but humus he can still open a can of tuna or grill a biscuit.
Wally: Kiss off, Ward.
June: Wally…
Tarzan: Wally OK, June. I used to have same problem with Cheetah until I borrow cattle prod from Ubangis.
Ward: Beaver! Get a shirt on! What’s the matter with you!
Beaver: Tarzan’s not wearing a shirt.
June: But, dear that’s part of his costume.
Wally: Yeah, Beave, like Donald Duck not wearing pants.
Ward: So, Tarzan, are you on line yet?
Tarzan: On lion?
June: Oh, Ward, don’t be silly. We’ve seen all of your films, Tarzan. I particularly liked the one where the locals were chasing Jane and you called out the elephants. All that testosterone! Do apes really ride ostriches?
Wally: What a geek. Ask her about her two-piece loincloth. Pretty risqué for the Forties, wouldn’t you say?
Beaver: Thanks for dinner, mom. Can I go over to Whitey’s and read dirty magazines?
June: Yes, dear, just so long as you’ve finished your homework.
Ward: Excuse yourself, son.
Wally: He’s trying to, dad.
June: Now Wally…remember your manners.
Ward: Yes, Wally, table manners have everything to do with…
Wally: Shove it, Ward.
Ward: Well, Tarzan, let’s retire to my study and smoke cigars.
Tarzan: Not politically correct to smoke. Not politically correct to depict women as servants and domestic support entities…
Ward: Say what? This is the Fifties. It’s OK. It’s even expected.
Wally: Great humus, mom. I’m going over to Lumpy’s and shoot heroin.
June: Be home early, Wally. It’s a school night.
THE END
Packer Reunion Set
(Lake City Daze Gone By November , 2016)
The semi-annual Alfred Packer family reunion has been rescheduled to the last weekend in November to be more in keeping with the original weather from momentous occasions gone by.
According to the Hinsdale County Sheriff’s Office more than 400 people, who claim to be at least shirttail relatives of the famous cannibal, will enjoy baked beans, potato salad, corn-on-the-cob, coleslaw, Jell-O salad, watermelon, lemonade, and marshmallows.
Meat in any form was conspicuously missing from the menu.
Participants have already filed for a permit to use some 30 acres in the nearby San Juan National Forest, east of Creede. All have filed documents asserting that they have not and will not engage in survival activities that might be deemed offensive, even repulsive to mainstream America. Relatives will host an open house on November 15 to answer questions and calm fears as to plans in the woods.
Cannibals are people too, in fact it can be argued that they are super people,” said Gayle Packer, a supposed great, great grand niece of the famous Packer. “I am here today to tell you that all cannibals are not bad.”
A tongue-in-cheek vegetarian barbecue, featuring carrots, barley, broccoli, asparagus, corn, squash, potatoes, black beans and rice as well as a freshly fattened vegetarian (cooked over a bed of simmered coals) will be served free of charge on Tuesday night.
Expected at this year’s reunion are descendants of the victims George Noon, James Humphrey and Israel Swan (all alleged Packer finger food). All of these men had managed to procreate before meeting up with Packer, thus insuring that their surnames, at least, survived the nauseating picnic.
Former Civil War veteran Al Packer was indicted in 1883 after he confessed that he had murdered Shannon Wilson Bell in self-defense (for the second time) and had eaten several Democrats in 1874, during an aborted journey from the Ute Camp of Chief Ouray to the goldfields of Breckenridge, some 125 miles away. Although convicted of every crime within his reach he reportedly died in his bed of indigestion in Littleton in 1907.
As to Packer’s odd capacity for survival, he not only escaped from jail in Saguache (certainly no small accomplishment) but he also managed to hideout until March of 1883 when he was once more arrested in connection with a banquet of crimes. He subsequently served 17 years at Colorado State Penitentiary where he was a model prisoner.
He finally won his release in 1900 thanks to attorneys for the Colorado Restaurant Association that, figuring he was more of a public relations problem in jail than out, paid the legal fees. Further memory places Packer back in Littleton where he was hit by a tourist bus and succumbed to injuries in 1909. Other accounts record him successfully winning the Hinsdale County Commissioners race in 1906, barely edging out professional wrestling standout Tub “No Neck” Carl Sr. by 3 votes.
– Uncle Pahgre
“One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity.” – Andrew Carnegie
Beer Trucks in Fender Bender
(Montrose, CO Townsend Avenue Tally November 19, 2016)
Two large semis filled to the brink with ice-cold beer collided today in Montrose, spewing an estimated 2000 gallons of suds at the intersection of Main and Townsend. The delivery vehicles belonged to Instant Mountain Distributing and Colorado Bottles and Things respectively.
“We haven’t seen this much moisture running down the street since last year’s monsoon,” said a patron at Niko’s Tavern who had just left the bar for an afternoon stroll. “It was a living hell out there.”
Passersby confirmed a four-foot wall of water flowing ominously down Main Street toward the Town Hall Bar precariously drifting into the historic banking district. Meanwhile over on Main the beer bogged down traffic and threatened the flashy yet poorly planned Bad Restaurant Row further south.
“If it weren’t for a volunteer contingent of thirsty citizens the city might have been toast,” said one councilperson. “For a while there it appeared we would be overrun,” he burped.
Town wrecking crews were on the scene in moments handing out packs of Dixie cups, towing cars and mopping up malt and hops. The drivers of the two trucks were not available for comment. No citations were given
The mishap was the worst of its kind since 1945 when a turboprop henway, caught between a hailstorm and a flock of Canadian geese, dropped 30 bags of gold dust onto an open skylight/swamp cooler at Stockmen’s Cafe. There were no direct hits and only minor injuries reported. The gold was never recovered. Common consensus chronicles the windfall as having been spent on pitchers of beer and chicken enchiladas moments before Crime Shoppers arrived on the scene.
– Susie Compost