All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Farcheezies stranded on Quad Lift
(Upper Forest Run) The Flying Farcheezies, a semi-notable East European high-wire act, remain stuck on the new high-speed quad lift above here it was disclosed this morning. The Farcheezies, the only living daredevils to successfully bunjy jump across the Black Canyon and negotiate Kebler Pass by electrical high-wire (over the same weekend) seemed relaxed in the face of chilly winds and sub-zero temperatures.
“We’ll rescue them as soon as we’re done making snow,” said Melvin O’Toole, Head of Lift Operations and Mountain Maintenance. “It’s not like we haven’t any other emergencies to deal with this morning. Frankly, these skiers drive me nuts. They seem to think the snow just falls from the sky!”
The Farcheezies have survived the night thanks to 200 pounds of trail mix and an orange from their backpacks. Although the Silver Queen Quad no longer features a cover it still has a convertible foot rack for the comfort of the ascending alpineer.
“I don’t mind a little cold,” said Enselmo Farcheezie, patriarch of the group, “but I hate like hell to have my legs fall asleep. These are the tools of my profession.”
Apparently the family boarded the lift at 3:59 pm despite warnings that the unit would shut down at 4:00 sharp. Accustomed to following orders in their native lands the family refused to jump from the lift or litter.
“We didn’t want to lose our gold passes,” said the older Farcheezie.
The Farcheezies were contacted by the local ski patrol at about sunrise and reassured that the lift would start up again at 9:00 am. When asked to describe the experience father Farcheezie said he could think of better things to do on a cold winter night and expressed thanks that the ordeal was almost over.
“It’s really quiet out there at three in the morning,” he shivered.
– Tommy Middlefinger
TEN COMMANDMENTS SEQUEL DUE IN FEBRUARY
(Montrose) The long awaited sequel to the popular Ten Commandments will be shot in the Uncompais expected to hit local theaters in 2017. The follow-up film will continue with the same theme with the good guys, played by Israeli army regulars stationed in Lebanon, throwing off the chains of oppression (the Egyptians) and waltzing into the promised land, played by the Town of Olathe.
The late Charlton Heston, of recent NRA fame, will not play Moses. That role will be played by Willie Nelson. Special effects for the Red Sea parting scene will be computer-generated, unlike the initial scene in the first film. All daangerous snakes and water pirates will be imported from the Front Range.
In one particularly moving segment, Moses descends from Mount Sinai (Horsefly Peak) to find his people worshipping idols. He angrily breaks the tablets of stone. He is subsequently arrested for destroying public property, littering and encouraging a riot. Later all the charges, with the exception of parading without a permit, are dropped by the Philistine authorities.
“With all the laws and regulations passed since, say 1970, Moses would never have been able to carry modern tablets down the mountain,” said Heston, his pistol at his side. “He would have had to hire pack mules or maybe even a fleet of cattle trucks.”
Another stirring episode involves the baby Moses floating down the Nile (the Uncompahgre) in a basket provided by a local rafting company.
“Today social services would be all over the people who put Moses in the river,” said Heston. “Yes, they would have had to put the baby in an Egyptian foster home despite the policies of the Pharaoh.”
Heston went on to say that the tedious burning bush scene would be included in the film despite the protests of the Department of the Interior. The feds are worried about forest fires.
“If we can part the Red Sea, build golden calves out of adobe and wander around the Stinking Desert for 40 years we can surely contain a small fire,” said Heston.
Ham Radio Geek Brings Home the Cosmic Bacon
(Stellar 17 – Quadrant 555 – January 5, 2017)
Ham radio enthusiast, Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole claims to have made contact with “like-minded” beings on Uranus and Pluto. Insisting that he has conversed with alien beings since the 70s, the self-taught, continuous ultra-wave technician spends his evenings chatting in primitive code.
Despite efforts by the FCC and other government agencies to discredit him, Toole has repeatedly offered taped conversations, and select coordinates from unexplored regions of the Universe.
Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole taking a break from taking a break at his favorite beach bar.
“Our conversations basically come down to small talk. We are careful not to get too political or elitist in out quest to improve intergalactic communication,” he said. Last night I discussed the increase in Black Holes with an amateur radio operator from an unnamed star near Neptune and although the reception was poor we managed to exchange some pretty heavy information.”
Toole said his alien friends were most interested in muscle cars, genetic agricultural breakthroughs, governmental charades and whether or not Michael Jackson would be producing another LP after Thriller.
“I guess they didn’t know he was deceased and I wasn’t about to be the one to break the news,” he frowned.
– Gabby Haze
“Crossing the International Date Line single can be a lonesome, yet relaxed endeavor.” – Small Mouth Bess
SOVIETS WITHHELD HANGOVER CURE FROM PEOPLE
(Moscow-on-Ice — January 3, 2017)
The KGB and factions of the former Soviet Union allegedly hid an effective cure for the common hangover from the Russian people for some 70 years. The cure, which reputedly involves a prescribed treatment of warm vodka, Tabasco sauce, Georgian peppercorns, vitamin B and liquid oxygen was discovered by Joseph Stalin while on vacation in Yalta in 1945. However, the paranoid leader did not make his findings known and, in fact, did not even share the cure with his best friends and family until he was on his deathbed in 1953.
The disclosure was released Monday as part of a further clean-up in the Kremlin. Current President, Yladimir Putin, has sought to distance himself from these goings-on.
“Mr Putin is too busy murdering his critics and annexing other countries to be bothered with this,” hacked a spokesman fo the Russian leader.
Stalin’s legacy lived on until last year when rumors of a miraculous cure graced the pages of Old Soviet Life, the former Communist Party mouthpiece. The paper did not print the exact recipe for the cure since it was reportedly “misplaced by Boris Yeltsin” in 1991.
“It’s amazing to us,” barked a Putin spokesman in a prepared speech, “that anyone could be so barbaric, so cruel as to withhold perishable data of this magnitude. All this time the Party was screaming about low production and absenteeism on the part of the work force and they may have had easy access to the saving catalyst.
The ancients had a cure for alcohol poisoning, as they called it, and researchers have been doggedly pursuing a cold trail in this regard since the Crusades. Factions of both good and evil have coveted the panacea since the Sumerians first brewed beer in 3000
-Grigori Rasputin Jr.
