All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
EVE WAS FRAMED SLATED FOR MARCH
The controversial play Eve Was Framed will be presented by the Western State drama department on the banks of the East River here through March. The locale was chosen so as to make use of the seasonal backdrop of high winds and light snow (the masses) and because the coming summer Gunnison resembles the legendary Garden of Eden.
Playwright Ella Benedictine Rockefeller, a senior majoring in body chemistry, completed the work while on a Greyhound coming up from Oklahoma City. Here is a preview:
EVE WAS FRAMED
Act II The scene: A jerkwater jail somewhere in the Midwest
Jailer: But boss, we got her. Now what we goin’ to do with her?
Hog: We’ll just teach her a thing or two about the order of things, why we’ll…
Serpent: What’s she done? What’s her real crime?
White-haired judge: Next. Wait…this isn’t another drug case. Where am I? She’s an apple pusher?
Hog: Just follow the notes that we have given you. There’s no need to bother the jury with details. She’s guilty. She gave him the apple.
Serpent: Yeah. Get on with it. Some of us are really very busy. Gotta get the wood in. Gotta get the rest of the fruit canned. How does your garden grow?
Jailer: What are we goin’ to do next, boss?
Hog: Maybe burn her as a witch. That’s worked before. We’ve got to make an example of her or all is lost.
Serpent: Power base. Blast off!
Eve: Adam?
Hog: He’s in the other cell. We got him for possession. There’s no use crying out. I’ll hold you in contempt.
Judge: Possession of an apple? That’s not illegal.
Hog: Not yet. Just wait till our boy Dubya gets into the…
Serpent: Look at the evidence. That apple definitely has a bite out of it. Look at the teeth marks. Haven’t you ever heard of DNA?
Jailer: There’s no mention of it in the Bible.
Hog: It’s definitely got a bite out of it. That’s good enough for me.
Judge: The dirty deed has been done. We all agree on that. These two have fallen from grace but we need to find a scapegoat.
Hog: She’s right there in the cell.
Judge: But she looks so innocent.
Hog: That’s just an act. They all do that. We had better act before things get out of hand for ever.
Judge: I have my verdict. I find the defendant guilty as charged and sentence her to co-exist with males for all eternity.
Hog: And he’s letting you off easy, honey.
Serpent: Red Delicious anyone?
– from The Tower of Babble by Rasputin Trump
JUDGE RULES ON CREDIT CARD FEEDING
Scoffs at Mandatory Legislation
(Ridgway) A local magistrate here says the care and feeding of credit cards should be a personal matter and up to the individual debtor. Furthermore, she ruled that credit card abuse did not fall under the jurisdiction of Sociable Services.
Heralded as a major verdict for personal freedoms by many there are still those who would have liked to see more regulations.
“If the consumer decides not to feed his card for a month that should be his business,” said Melvin Toole, a band saw repair analyst from Log Hill. “We already have the feds looking down our shorts at every turn as it is. Why would people want more government interference?”
The judge’s conclusion may have more extensive ramifications than first presumed due to a recent disclosure that Bill Clinton had put the Kosovo campaign on his Master Card.
“People just don’t realize that credit card purchases are the same as buying an item with cash,” said Toole. “The only difference is compounded interest.”
Despite the ruling most consumers continue to be kind to their plastic. According to a nationwide survey over 80% feed their cards, (generally in the morning) 70 % take them for a walk everyday and some even grant them a paid two-week vacation each year.
Small Mouth Bess
SNOWPACK ABNORMAL
Colorado residents and their guests are reminded that the current snowpack levels are unstable at the present time, exhibiting acute schizophrenic tendencies coupled with clinical brushes with chronic obsessive-compulsive behavior. Along with these classic maladies, we are observing a serious psychotic break with reality brought on by a tedious, often painful meltdown. In short, the snowpack has been cornered by a dysfunctional weather system that has left it climate-challenged and mildly neurotic.
Despite attempts to control this natural shift toward complete mental collapse by the application of drugs and an agenda of structured activities, the situation appears beyond help. The uninitiated are hereby warned to avoid contact with the snowpack and refrain from pointing, staring and snapping pictures of the subject during this seasonal duress.
GHOST WRITERS FRIGHTEN TRIBES
(Placerville) Ghost writers, allegedly in the employ of the San Juan Horseshoe, have been scaring the daylights out of stone age tribesmen camped on the edge of the San Miguel River here. The primitives, at first hostile, have taken to worshipping the spirit scribes, bestowing them with lavish gifts of gold and tellurium.
A longtime policy at the paper calls for the hiring of a skeleton crew of ghost writers for the summer so as to pursue historical documentation with minor embellishment.
According to publisher General Kashmir Horseshoe (CSA 1861-1863; USA 1863-1865) retired it is far easier recording local history when one is surrounded by a staff that actually lived during the prescribed period.
“Our agenda calls for first-hand accounts, not hearsay as practiced by so many other annal sorcerers,” spat the general. “Besides, we don’t have to pay them much, a few cheap beers and a few bags of jerky.”
Peculiarities like this tend to become debauched by chroniclers and then blown out of proportion by local plebeians already upset by news of spring riots in Purgatory and strikes in Limbo. Chanting
“Let us out or send us down,” unruly mobs of poor souls in both places are still out of control. At press time local authorities are cautious not to draw parallels to the two separate incidents, preferring to call the whole charade a paradox.
–Mary Wanna
