All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

Horseshoe Open 24 Hours Over Holidays

Ouray) The San Juan Horseshoe will extend its normal hours for the December holidays. In a departure from closing when the sun goes down, the paper will keep its doors opened “all day and all night” so as to accommodate last minute shoppers, thirsty travelers and persons looking to get a last minute bet down before football shifts into fourth gear.

“We had to look long and hard at the possibility of staying open,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe from his cat-bird seat high above Box Canyon Falls. “The light bill is bad enough just operating during regular business hours. We need the butter and egg money just to get us to 2018,” he explained.

A hastily constructed reception desk will be manned by illegal aliens and other state risk suspects recently picked up by a Homeland Security sweep through the local Wal-mart parking lot.

“They’re a shifty bunch,” quipped Horseshoe, “but its next to impossible to get good help this time of the year.”

The Horseshoe offices affected are located adjacent to the Camp Bird turn-off south of town, and across from the Wimpton Mental Health Clinic in the Edith Bunker National Forest. A full Irish breakfast will be served.

– Phillip E. Bustier

Everyone will be 7 feet tall by 2050

Vertical Grant Allows Study

(Tiny Town) Researchers here insist that they have uncovered evolutionary patterns that will result in a much taller populace by the middle of the next century. Tracing their methodology to the ancient ones who once roamed this canyon, and submerging it with the tendency of children to tower over their parents, the scientists predict an average height of about 7 to 8 ft. tall.

“This will change everything,” said Melvin Toole, professor emeritus at the conveniently located Littleton Academy of Applied Genealogy. “Everything, from basketball hoops to door jams will have to be jacked up. The compact cars of the Nineties will give way to the colossal automotive dinosaurs of the Fifties and Sixties,” he stressed. “Basketball players will have to be more than tall to demand the incredible salaries of today, while second story windows will have to be raised to insure the privacy of dwellers. Mountains will look smaller to visitors and the tourism industry will suffer.”

Although Toole and his colleagues have been firing off projections like arrogant drunks at a side-show shooting gallery, they have offered no evidence that any tests have been conducted regarding this pressing matter. Upon examination, reporters found only mounds of empty pizza boxes and beer cans in what Toole referred to as his laboratory. One small room was crammed full of five and 10 dollar bills, apparently rat-holed from government grants. Outside of a ramshackle bunkhouse, where Toole’s support team is supposedly housed, stands a rough sculpture of two men. One is disproportionately tall and the other appears to be a dwarf. Toole refused to comment on the sculpture, saying it was “part of his secretive research and a matter of national security.”

    “Any implication that federal funds have been misappropriated here in Tiny Town is an affront to the entire scientific community here in Jefferson County,” gasped Toole. “You might just as well accuse our boys over at Rocky Flats of lying about contamination levels, or the brave men and women at the Fed Center of stretching their daily coffee breaks!”

Most of the people invited to tour the research facility seemed confused as to what was being accomplished here. Many reporters simply laughed, shook their syndicated heads and drove back to Denver unable to file a story at all.

“You’ll all be sorry!” screamed Toole at the top of his lungs as the last of the press vehicles peeled out of his paltry parking lot. “They didn’t believe Marconi…or Copernicus either! And those boys were operating on their own money!”

 -Yankee Doodle

“My country right or wrong: if right, to be kept right; and if wrong , to be set right.” 

– Senator Carl Schurtz, of Missouri, 1876

Endurance Test #611

“I’ve saved almost $6679 on razor blades

since I broke from consumerism in 1990.”    

                                        – Ernie Leftzone, former highway superintendent, turned facial hair enthusiast.

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Photo by Hugh Manchu

Jardin Plaza Reopens Just in Time for the Holiday Season

Jardin’s Parque came alive today after the long months reconstruction have concluded. The whole town took note when the fencing came down. Last night marked the Night of Candles featuring homage to the Blessed Virgin and a frightening episode where four horses escaped down a main street narrowly avoiding collisions and catastrophy on the crowded crossroad.     (Toole of the Andes Photo).

Jardin’s parque is now open again, heralding in the Christmas season. The Antioquian town, high in the Andies boasts one of Colombia’s finest plazas. Above we watch town crews remove the last debris allowing appreciative pedestrians to stroll once more. The square is surrounded by more than 25 cafes and bars with vender stalls dotting the cobblestone.         (Toole of the Andies)

Joseph Denies he will suit up for Jets

Bronco head coach, Vance Joseph dismissed rumors that he will suit up against the New York Jets on Sunday. Although a multitude of eyewitnesses say the first-year coach has been running the first-string offense all week at practice, Joseph was adamant that he would not play in the game.

Joseph at a lighter moment with the line judge during the Bengals loss.

The former quarterback University of Colorado has gone through Osweiller and Lynch…Siemian in losses to 8 teams that pre-season observers expected them to win or at least remain competitive. Many of the losses were blowouts to teams like Miami and Philadelphia and New England.

At a press conference after the embarrassing loss to Miami, Joseph promised to stay the course (or corpse as some sports writers heard it). CEO John Elway held his own question and answer session reaffirming his faith in Joseph. Conjecture has it that Elway will begin searching Eastern Europe and scanning the horizons of Central Africa in search of large bodies to be implemented on the horrid offensive line in 2018.

“We can teach them to block or at least get in the way of defensive linemen,” said the irritated Hall-of-Famer, a quarterback as well during his illustrious career in Denver.

Although the team has performed poorly many ridiculous calls and quirks occurred at just the wrong time opening up the doors to drubbings. The offense, which has arguably been absent since Payton Manning’s first year with the team, continued to put everyone but the opposing defense to sleep.

Joseph played for the New York Jets and Indianapolis Colts in the NFL and backed up All-Americans Cordell Stewart and Darian Hagan in his years at CU, including the National Championship team in 1990.

His coaching resume at the college level includes stints with Colorado, Wyoming and Bowling Green

An anonymous “yet highly reliable source” at Dove Valley discreetly told reporters on the plane from Miami that the coaching staff was desperate for a win and that Joseph would perform with the first team during the next week’s practices/rehearsals. It’s either we see Vance at the helm or we leave the defense on the field for the entire game.

-Frank Tripuka Jr.

MARS MIGRATION SCUTTLED FOR NOW

(Mars) A growing movement calling for the displacement of political refugees and the great unwashed to the outer regions of the galaxy has been stopped in its tracks due to an overwhelming response here.

The simple enough rocket maneuver, projected to take only three years to complete, is now burdened by the number of applicants for a limited number of seats on the designated spacecraft.

“We are pretty tired of all the whining and the desperation,” said one former Farmland Security official, speaking with a degree of anonymity. “These hordes arrive in masse like a flock of shit birds in the Ceiba trees. They have no wings only a hand outstretched. I can speak for the entire agency when I say we will be happy to be rid of these needy and bothersome creatures.”

According to sketchy details, more than 7 million persons have completed lengthy dossiers and posted hefty non-returnable deposits just to get on the celestial dance card. Academics had expected no more than 500,000 potential exchange students at the commencement of the relocation syllabus.   

Meanwhile those who continue to embrace the mundane and glorify stupidity have banded together with the bored again to form a powerful lobby pushing for the colonization of Venus while she’s not looking. That planet, the femme fatale of the Milky Way, has filed an official protest with the Office of Astronomy Raw Materials Intergalactic and Space Exploration (OARWSE)

Efforts to secure pillows, sheets and blankets for the voyage have faltered, leaving assorted palms up and most bungling bureaucrats with their pants down.

– Attila Diggins