All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Horseshoe Stock Skyrockets in Forth Quarter
The average share of stock in San Juan Horseshoe, Ltd. is up a rousing 17 1/4 from the previous period it was announced today. This cumulative gain leaves the hated scandal sheet 15th in net gains and 5th in overall volume through November. Investors have even allowed maverick publisher Kashmir Horseshoe to purchase badly needed office supplies, including an alarm clock and a pencil sharpener as a result of the recent gains. Here are the quotes in a nutshell:
NYSE LEADERS BY VOLUME
Company Sales cls chg
IBM 2,192,400 36 1/4 +3 1/4
American T&T 1,652,200 134 1/2 +1 1/2
ITT Corp. 1,605,876 21 1/2 +1 1/4
Citicorp 1,590,800 44 +1 1/4
SJ Horseshoe 1,500,005 13 +19 1/4
Wstgh El 1,235,005 39 1/4 -3 1/4
Goodyear 1,180,050 24 1/4 -1/2
Phillip Pts 960,000 28 1/2 +1 1/4
Hamm Pape 900,500 34 1/2 +1/4
Fed Nat Mtg 895,700 45 +2 1/4
For related article see
“Newsprint Drops on Spot Commodity Market:
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INSIDE YOUR ISSUE:
Dirt Bag Law Taken to Cleaners by Council
Overdue Spruce-Up Crosses Partisan Lines
in “All the News”
Fast food found to kill pine beetles in laboratory
Major Breakthrough Leave Doubters in its Wake
In “Your Immediate Health”
Price of ladders, scaffolding skyrockets in Mexico
Carpenters, Hoarders Drive Up the Cost Of Travel
In “The Trades”
Marxists Remember Groucho
Posthumous Honor Bestowed With Fanfare
In “The Arts and Some”
Hitler’s favorite stand up comedian passes
Schadenfreude Dealt Weighty Blow
In “Looking Back”
Math Corner:
How many tortillas would $21.6 billion*
buy for starving children in Mexico?
*estimates for building Trump’s wall
In “Breaking Science”
And you have the cajones to ask:
What’s all this to-do about yoga pants?
“Abandon dope all ye who enter here.” – sign at any one of Colorado airports, with apologies to Dante.
Tsunami Gets Best of Scribe
(Okinawa) A visiting dignitary was badly beaten while swimming amid the exotic Ryukyu Islands according to a report filed this morning. Melvin Toole, the governor pro tem of Palau Island, was recovered hours later in the nets of a local fishermen who plans to sue everyone remotely involved in the incident.
Toole, who claims royal lineage dating back to the Sumerian pirates who once roamed these shores, is the author of Seeing the World From the Bottom of the Sea. His book chronicles adventures experienced while in the Portuguese submarine service during the Falkland Wars.
Legally referred to as Melvin DeRiviera Dot Com Toolini the almost knighted carbuncle, reportedly lost his monogrammed umbrella to the storm. At press time it has not been recovered.
Utopia Busted
(Crested Butte — Wing and a Prayer Review — March, 2017)
Police arrested over 300 persons in a predawn raid near Dark Canyon this morning. Those now in custody are wanted in connection with the establishment of utopian society up high in the Elk Mountains and away from the 21st Century.
It is believed that the community has been functioning without currency or taxes and has survived by selling cookies in town and trading the profits for necessities.
Police were tipped off to the existence of the utopia by carnivorous backpackers who came upon the scant encampment while wandering around lost in the woods.
Along with the detained, a subsequent search of the area netted an estimated 1700 pounds of chocolate chips and almost a ton of pecans with an estimated street value of $1.4 billion. Other paraphernalia such as mixing bowls, Dutch ovens and countless aprons were seized.
It is hoped that this action will severely curtail and seriously diminish illicit cookie operations in accordance with the far-reaching War on Fudge coming to a checkpoint near you.
– Tommy Middlefinger
