All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

INVENTOR OF PANTY-HOSE FOUND STRANGLED

(Olathe) The woman credited with developing and marketing panty-hose was found near-dead in her sea-view apartment here this morning. A victim of her own devices, 98-year-old Ruthie Roosterson was cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Daily Hospital at Montrose. She expired a few hours later.

Police have one suspect in custody, a Pea Green chemist and former French restaurateur, Maude de Flippante, who once claimed to have invented panty-hose almost three years prior to Roosterson. Flippante, then a resident of the Limousin Region of France (and vocal proponent of sensual legware), was promptly arrested and condemned to death for crimes against good taste and the comforts of humanity. He escaped during a change of governments in 1964 and came to the United States as a stowaway in a crate of Martel cognac.

Roosterson’s eager heirs were notified as to their dire misfortune last night when authorities informed them that there would be no inheritance since Roosterson squandered her vast fortune on low stakes slot machines at Tawaoc. They remain in seclusion, devastated by the news.

The sole suspect plans to plead innocent of all charges despite incriminating DNA samples found on the scene. A trial/barbecue is planned for late June at Pea Green Hall.

– Susie Compost

American Cheese Slice Survives Century Mark

(Crested Butte) An individually wrapped American cheese slice has passed another decade in a local man’s refrigerator it was disclosed today. Longtime resident Herb Ditchwater, although reluctant to disturb the cheese, has agreed to present what is technically an antique to interested parties in front of the post office on Friday afternoon.

“It was in there behind the frozen dog chewies, the simulated macaroni strips and the dehydrated snails,” laughed Ditchwater, who is hoping for some sort of extensive cash prize for his startling discovery.

Analysts say this kind of over-processed cheese is synonymous with the mindless tailings of our right now American culture. While countries like France, Ireland, Greece and even Costa Rica produce delicious gourmet cheeses the United States still continues to settle for the plastic chemical variety. More and more consumers here are willing to go for foods, and other products, that only look like the real thing.

“Yeah, but I’ll bet my cheese lasts longer,” said Ditchwater who plans to present the preserved slice to the Smithsonian as a classic example of American culture.

According to the maker of the cheese it’s all a matter of supply and demand.

“Americans prefer convenience to quality. Just look at our electoral process,” said one cheese executive who dabbles in politics. If people don’t like things the way they are here in the U.S. maybe they should go somewhere else.”

– Jolly Pena

Celebrity Shortage Spurns Action

(Montrose) Pointing to a shortage of celebrities living in Montrose County, commissioners here have decided to offer tax breaks and building incentives for bonafide celebrities who relocate here.

The initial blueprint, based on the incentive master plan that brought Wal-Mart to the city a few years back, features attractive tax breaks for the first five years of residence, a waving of existing zoning laws and a relaxing of tedious building permits and access considerations.

Durango has celebrities. Ouray and Crested Butte have a few. Crawford too has had famous residents. In Telluride everyone who has a post office box is, at least in his or her own mind, a celebrity. Why then, ask the commissioners, has Montrose been left out of all this?

“If we had just one authentic celebrity the others would come,” said one commissioner.

“This lack of luster is holding up progress,” said another.

When asked about the thousands of people who already live here who may be put off or even uprooted by the arrival of the rich and famous the commissioners did not respond. Later one confided to the press that celebrity presence would raise the tax coffers significantly through an upturn in fan visits, positive publicity about the area and an increase in sales tax.

“If the longtime population shifts or even migrates we cannot be concerned. Progress does not come easy and we need to keep pace with the 21st Century,” said one commissioner. “Just imagine Tom Hanks or Bridget Fonda on a brochure with the Black Canyon in the foreground. Just think of it.”

A plan to give tax incentives and other benefits to residents already paying the county’s bills was quickly voted down in the shadow of all the excitement.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Broncos Troll Wal-Marts For Offensive Line Help

A legion of Denver Bronco scouts have begun patrolling local Wal-Marts in the hope of landing some help on their offensive line. The NFL franchise, that experienced gaping holes, horrible run stats and inability to protect the quarterback last year plans to shore up these blatant inefficiencies and run the ball in 2017.

Although many of their discoveries have proved fruitless up until now, the team expects to find help in the aisles of the nation’s largest retailer. Acknowledging that many of the new recruits may be too slow to play football one coach says he will stay the course.

“Some of them are real big,” he explained, “flabby, obese and not terribly athletic. Many have never participated in team sports or daily exercise which has contributed to their sad physical state. Our job is to toughen them up. Two a day practices in the summer heat will do wonders.”

The source then continued insisting that the concept of tethering a lineman had not been discussed. He then employed simple physics to his projected formula for success.

“A body in motion stays in motion while a body at rest stays at rest,” he smiled. “Many of our best prospects won’t be easy to move on the line. They will simply stay in one spot and take up room. Often that’s enough.”

Other teams have responded to the move and have begun examining sources of talent in their own regions.

“These consumers are so used to buying worthless junk that they cannot differentiate between credit and cash,” said an unidentified scout in Baltimore. “We hope this reality will translate into lucrative contracts on our end. After we pay off their credit cards and get them on the field we will know how to proceed.”

– Fred Zeppelin

Anasazi may have dined on venison

(Gunnison) Anasazi tribes who may well have resided along Fossil Ridge before real estate prices drove them to lower elevations, may have subsisted on venison stew. Artifacts discovered at locations such as Gunsight Pass and the East Fork of Adler Creek indicate that the Ancient Ones often relied on venison as a mainstay in their otherwise tedious diet of roots and berries.

Pottery and wood carvings found near ruins are often adorned with primitive images of herd animals and feasting, due to the inability to store meat for long. Jewelry, often created from deer and elk horns, points to this direct food chain as well according to scientists. Surviving shreds of clothing, although quite out of style by now, indicate the use of larger mammal hides.

“Prior to the introduction of corn and kinnikinnick these migratory stone agers probably fished in alpine lakes that dot the landscape,” said legendary archaeologist Dutch Gulch, for whom both Henry Mountain and Henry Lake are named. “We’ve found evidence in the form of discarded test line and salmon egg jars previously thought to be the trappings of much latter centuries.”

Researchers at the Rocky Mountain Biological Warfare facility at Gothic appear to be in concordance with these postulates saying that cave drawings often depict warriors chasing deer, and even elk.

“We presume that the Anasazi wanted to cook and eat these species,” said Anomie Judd of the Elkton Judds, for whom Judd Falls was named. “We know they ate rabbits and fowl due to the unearthing of fossilized fur and feathers in known settlement sites but frankly the practice of eating venison stew was a surprise to us.”

“It is not known if the Anasazi also consumed their wild game in chili or made jerky as early as 600 AD when these half-naked savages supposedly resided in these mountains,” said Gulch, “but be assured we are working on that aspect of the puzzle.”
– Fred Zeppelin

Excelsior to institute feedlot flights

(Nucla) Excelsior Comet, “The airline without chairs” is now offering a peasant class to passengers from Nucla to Naturita this spring. The experimental flights are priced at about half of existing economy class on most mainstream transports.

Although little else is known about the service, it is expected to be of he no frills variety. Daily jaunts are void of oxygen masks, parachutes and tiny bags of chemically induced pretzels and peanuts common to economy class.

“The innovative caste is quick and easy and gives economy travelers someone to look down upon,” said an executive baggage handler over in Naturita.

Excelsior retains the right to deny service to disruptive passengers but will no longer throw trouble makers out of its planes mid-flight.

The shuttle breakthrough reemphasizes the annoying mainstream airlines barrage of mindless, parrot-like announcements about smoking in bathrooms, approved electronic devices and appropriate life vest use over Nevada.

– Ophelia Fairheart