All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

CLOWN BEHEADING CALLED ACCIDENTAL

(Montrose) A brutal beheading, that’s left restaurateur Ronald McDonald decapitated, has been called accidental by police despite the clown’s burgeoning list of enemies. The mortal incident occurred Friday at closing time when the clown’s baggy outfit appears to have been caught in an unattended chicken grinder, pulling him into the greasy fray one inch at a time, while programmed employees stood by, watching helplessly.

After a few minutes the whole thing was over. The clown had completely disappeared into the machinery and workers went back to cleaning up and clocking out. It was only after this that police were notified.

“It’s no big deal,” said one middle manager. “His head will grow back. It’s happened before. We’ve warned him not to wear his clown suit in the kitchen but he won’t listen. No one tried to save him because beheadings are not covered in our employee handbook and corporate reprisals here are rather harsh.”

Readers will recall a somewhat related occurrence last October, when Wendy, the Burger King and Col. Sanders were inadvertently sucked into a nuclear street sweeper/dog food compressor while jogging along Highway 50 north of town. Despite an all-out search their mangled bodies have yet to be recovered.

Physicians exploring the range of McDonald’s healthy insurance policies have determined the cause of death to be acute, aggravated macro decollation.

“At least it was a clean cut,” said one doctor.

It was not clear at press time whether or not a service would be held for the decapitated clown or if employees would be paid for attending said event.

– Sir Otis of Liver

Capitol Could Be Casino by 2019

(Washington) The United States Capitol may see cards and poker chips as early as September according to sources over at the Federal Reserve Board. Although discussion goes on this morning in the House Ethics Committee, approval for the casino is now said to be only a formality.

The facility could be operated by the Potomac Indians, a tribe once thought to be extinct. Real estate claims to what is now the District of Columbia date back to the 1600s and appear to be legitimate. London-trained Lawyers for the Native American contingent affirmed that the matter would never go to court.

Many Congressmen seeking election this year feel that the potential profits generated by the casino could pull the federal budget out of the basement and make them look more attractive to cynical voters across the nation. The Potomacs have agreed to kick back lease with option to buy funds into an escrow which could then be placed in the general fund to finance such programs as Sociable Security and the War on Tourism.

“We expect to run a clean game here,” said one felt table lobbyist, “therefore elected officials and their entourage will be banned from playing anything but the slot machines.”

Unreliable sources here contend that if the Capitol were not redesigned as a casino it would probably become a bed and breakfast or fall victim to a time sharing.

“It’s finally come to this,” said the source. “We can’t keep operating a government at such a hefty deficit.”

ALPINE ASTROGRAPH

Is your birthday not included here? Call our handy 900 number and talk to real live astrologers about your deepest secrets. Two astrologers at once slightly more. $9.95 per minute (minimum three minutes). In Colorado and Utah dial seven and stay on the line.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Small children can become hostile toward tattoos in the lazy afternoon. Flying coach is for morons. Double the pleasure for another this month by going away. Keep all plans vague and the fog lights on the dim switch. A pet is bored and may seek other accommodations. Get a second opinion on metaphysical matters. Spend time with household organics this evening.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Before jumping feet first into a joint endeavor remember that cultivation for the purpose of distribution is still illegal and can result in the confiscation of property and a jail term. Be smart, stick to alcohol and nicotine abuse, and leave the moralizing to the cops. Tonight: Hold off on that second career until you earn a paycheck from the first one.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Handle routine with alacrity. Going after intangible rewards may prevent tactile disappointments later on. Authority figures look better than you do in that skimpy bathing suit. It is always a better time spending someone else’s money. The Libran qualities of tact and courtesy will emerge today. Sadly, you are a Leo. Tonight: The uncanny ability to speak Algonquin through a soda straw could save you major embarrassment.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
You exhibit incredible consistency in that everything is truly overwhelming. Reduce the risk factor by hiding indoors during daylight hours. Avoid mass transit, bicycle paths, dog classes and depressing conversations at happy hour. Ooops…Looks like it’s time to focus on personal hygiene again. Make an important decision this morning. If you cannot afford a decision the court will appoint one for you.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Don’t spend valuable time analyzing every situation down to the marrow. The guy in the produce aisle does not systematically stack pears and apples by number and weight. The telephone operator does not memorize all the numbers in the Colona phone book. Counting cracks in the ceiling is not considered disturbed in the present culture. It is always better to be obsessive compulsive than compulsive obsessive, or is it? Tonight: Blackbird pie.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
A romantic interlude will sputter, stagger, limp, crash and burn right before your blood-shot eyes. Alcohol could help prop up a failing ego but only if you keep drinking. Stop repeating yourself. Intelligent people will surely get the message the first time. Stop repeating yourself. Simplify travel plans by staying in the bathtub until pruned. Tonight: Stop repeating yourself.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Although you generally say the right thing, it’s to the wrong person. Build a better mousetrap and someone will jack up the price of cheese. Is your head half full or half empty? The days are getting longer but your attention span is not. Visit an incarcerated relative. Sticking your neck out may not amuse the hangman. Wash your hands thoroughly after exhibiting good judgment.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Jumping out of an airplane is fine. Just make sure it has left the ground first. Never rent a house to transient dog handlers! Complete all hangovers. Keep plugging away at life. Persistence is the key. Compensation will come in good time. Then you can kick back and enjoy the limelight armed with the proper sunscreen. Please gargle before exhaling. Tonight: Draw the grapes.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Nuke the Moonies and Moon the Nukies! Morning worship is not defined as two hours in front of the mirror. Wash your heavy loads on the gentle cycle. Do something nice for livestock. Beware of whiskered men carrying machetes. Keep to the gutter and avoid a lot of extracurricular socialization. You have no right to walk up here on the sidewalk with the rest of us. Tonight: Ripe mangos at five feet.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Roll up your sleeves and get your fins into your work. Summer is a good time to add those little artistic touches that you have been thinking about in your abode. Change the color of the little coral pebbles, try tinted glass for more privacy, add a few shells and check the water temperature. Be sure to stay in the little net during cleaning time. Oops! Don’t get so near to the filter…Oh no! Oh, well…Easy come…easy flow.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Experiencing chronic cabin fever in the middle of May does not forecast a satisfactory winter. Health problems will subside with a biotech diet. Is that a tomato in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? The planet Mercury has assumed a forward motion but your Cougar has four flat tires. Relax, lot’s of people with six fingers do fine in government work. Bio-diversity is only one of the answers. None of the others even took the trouble to get hyphenated)

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Pursue pleasure. You will run into enough pain without exerting any unnecessary effort. The world is a coin-op video game and you are stuck with only folding money. Be receptive and not deceptive while outflanking anal-receptive tendencies. Taking advice from strangers based on astrological movements and ancient constellations will get you nowhere fast. Listen to your parents. Tonight: Wander the lawn till dark.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Astrosurfer.

BATS, BEARS AND BUTTERFLIES

It’s Getting Crowded in the Great Outdoors

(Oh-Be-Joyful) The place is overrun. Just the other night while camping out under a newly installed municipal street light up the Slate we watched in horror as thousands, well hundreds, of fruit bats circled our tent with lord knows what intent. They are nothing more than little rats with wings. I don’t care if they are blind and operate on radar. They don’t bathe regularly and can carry rabies (in their back pockets?)

Then it was the bears. Damn, the bats finally got tired of their mindless orbit and the fury beasts emerge. Damn, I strung all the Spam up in the tree like Mr. Ranger said to do, but bears can climb trees! I banked the fire and now they want marshmallows.

Wow, that bruin just ripped the lid off my cooler and he doesn’t appear to have thumbs! I hope he doesn’t come into the tent — that’s where I’ve hidden the rum. I’ve been informed that the animals are most active at dawn and at dusk so I guess we should just sleep in the daytime and hike at night. Are flashlights legal in a pristine, wilderness area? I’ll have to consult my Nashville Forest brochure written by uniformed men over in Denver. They manage the land, you know.

Hey, the reason we are out in the forest in the first place is to observe butterflies in their natural habitat but I think the bats and bears have scared them off. We wait all year for the weather to turn warm so we can drink a glass of wine and munch on some overpriced exotic cheese and we have to share this time warp with pests. Wait. There’s a butterfly now. Where’s my net?

Do people collect butterflies due to some sadistic flaw or because they can’t stand to see a being so very colorful cruising the skies at peace all day? What eats butterflies and how did they get tagged with such a dreadful label?

At least they aren’t like bats. Despite the fact that bats eat mosquitoes they still swoop. That’s it. That’s what gets under my skin. It’s the swooping. In Mexico bats don’t tend to swoop as much as the peso. In Costa Rica someone left the bats out all night and they were stolen. In the jungles of South America they have vampire bats which is one reason travelers are subjected to all those barely pubescent soldiers standing around with machine guns. It’s bat control. That’s all. If you have a problem just call the American Embassy.

If one comes in contact with a bat, waving at it does little good. They just wave back. Flies, oh thou little bat of snot, will go away for a while. Bats, on the other hand, seem to think that if you are so intent on driving them away there must be something you are attempting to protect, like mosquitoes, rum, mosquitoes or some other treasure. They don’t know. They are like the IRS with wings.

The best way to handle a bat is to grip the bat at the bottom with both hands, spread you feet, don’t crowd the plate and keep your eye on the ball. Take a few practice swings in the on-deck circle. At the last moment of contact squeeze and swing through the ball. When reaching first base you are on your own.

I had a friend once who fashioned himself quite the mountain man. He tried this conventional approach to handling a bear, grabbing low and squeezing. He is buried in our backyard under a Russian olive tree.

Long before the native cape buffalo were run off by the high winds the butterfly and the bear were compatible. Most likely this mutual toleration resulted from the primary reality that neither had anything the other needed. Instinctually any bear will tell you that butterflies don’t generate honey. Likewise butterflies aren’t hot on eating parasites (even with béarnaise sauce) off their shaggy counterparts nor do they enjoy munching on a rotten cow that has been buried by a member of the Ursidae clan so as to create the ultimate gourmet treat. Both are generally omnivorous but, like the Epicureans of the Pacific Rim, will consume an assortment of canned meats if they have access to a can opener. Bats hate Spam, often picking at it, then feeding it to the family dog when no one is looking.

If you encounter a bat in the wilds you probably won’t notice the intrusion since they are nocturnal and hard to see in the dark. Bears on the other hand are up all the time due to their fascinating habit of sleeping all winter. In truth, bears can do without folks and usually retreat unless food, cubs, or harsh political differences are apparent.

Responding to a bear encounter is simple enough, unless it doesn’t work well. First of all, stay calm. This may be difficult considering the fact that a 300-pound prowler has just entered your domain. Make noise so that the bear knows you are around.

Pretend you haven’t seen the beast and he/she may retreat. If you are wearing aftershave or perfume that smells like honey or dead cows, dispense with all logical thought and make a run for the truck. There is little truth to the rumor that bears eat Californians and Texans on sight. Statistics lie.

If you find yourself toe-to-toe with a bear back away slowly and avoid direct eye contact as the animal may perceive your stare as a threat. Give the animal an escape route, like the state of Montana. Don’t run. That bear may look chubby but he ran track in college. You can’t outrun a bear. Sudden movements (even those associated with the bowels) can provoke an attack. Speak softly. Reassure the bruin that no harm is meant. Most bears speak American. Just flip out a couple of fifties and, miraculously, most will understand you.

Try not to show fear. That’s what it says in the brochure. Fight back. If you are attacked hit the bear with a rock or a stick. Chainsaws are effective and so are child-proof cigarette lighters, Swiss Army knives, political opinions and last night’s pot of beans. Most likely the bear will tire of the struggle and go back into the woods where he belongs. If not there’s a plot next to our mountain man friend. Biting, kicking and grabbing the bear by his privates is considered dirty fighting by most animals of the forest.

If you are attacked by bats you are probably dreaming or drinking too much cheap gin. If you are attacked by a butterfly you should probably spend your next outing at the dog track or the local mall. The outdoors isn’t for everyone although this time of the year it sure seems like it.

– Melvin O’Toole

POLICE REPORT

All statistics point to one striking phenomenon: Crime is on the rise. OK maybe murders in New York and New Orleans are down but there’s still a lot of petty thieves, cheap crooks and sticky-fingered thugs roaming about. The good news is that there are always cop jobs in the paper and fodder for journalists writing silly columns like this one.

A swarm of trash birds attacked several harmless ice climbers just south of Ouray. Police responded and shoed the ravens and their entourage toward Silverton. Nobody was injured but one woman, Emily DesPlants, of Boulder, complained of white stains on her parka. Later the same day police confiscated planet-friendly weapons of mass destruction stockpiled in Box Canyon by militants dedicated to ridding the area of the pests.

Montrose police arrested Zorro DesPlants on charges of menacing and destruction of private property. Apparently the former orchid tender has developed an elaborate plot to cover world trouble spots with Astroturf. At the time of the arrest he was attempting to cover the 3000 acre Edith Bunker National Forest. He may be charged with mail fraud, attempted blackmail and extortion just for fun.

A Ouray woman DeLuna McQueen was seen attempting to break into a local spa while unclothed. When police approached the suspect she began screaming at them. Police departed the scene only to return hours later to find Ms McQueen quite composed, quietly reading and this time fully dressed. A warning was issued after complaints by local mule deer who were distracted from nightly rounds by the intrusion. Eye witnesses were given a pat on the head and instructed to go back to sleep.

Amelia DesPlants, of Sapinero was arrested Friday on charges stemming from bogus dog obituaries run in a Crested Butte paper. Despite her tearful confession police opted to leave her in her windy trailer until spring. DesPlants is a suspect in acts of vandalism against USA Decay newspaper stands from Cimarron to the gates of Parlin. Moments after police exited Sapinero they picked up the half-brother of their first suspect, charging him with attempts to recapture his youth. According to the arresting officer Warlo DesPlants had dug a large tiger pit across Highway 50 and was hiding in the bushes with a nylon net over his shoulder. He is expected to plead insanity.

Telluride marshals have incarcerated Ruthie Roosterson, formerly Ruthie DesPlants in connection with the theft of a 200,000 square foot trophy home from the Mountain Village. Roosterson, a local cadre chef, insisted she was at the beauty parlor in Cortez at the time of the heist. A quart-appointed attorney told reporters at the jail that his client would claim political prisoner status and that she may have diplomatic immunity due to the presence of Leap Year.

“Being oneself is definitely an acquired taste.”
– Mercury Hempleman

ADOPT A WASHBOARD HALTED

(Montrose) The never popular Adopt-A-Washboard Outreach has finally been terminated according to unreliable sources here. Seemingly doomed from the start, the concept hit rock bottom with summer rains created more washboards than usual on local dirt roads. Liabilities increased, belts were tightened and the population backed off.

“We had hoped that most of the severely rutted roads would be adopted by local families and civic organizations while the slightly washed out sections would be arrogated by summer tourists and hunters,” said coordinator Everett Tinkleholland, executive director of Edith Bunker National Forest, just west of here.
Operated like the successful Adopt-A-Highway Program, the Washboard agenda was aimed at relieving the inconvenience of road damage without calling in state agencies in big orange trucks.

“What happened here is that we discovered a certain comfort, almost a pride in dirt roads,” said Tinkleholland. “Folks around here like dirt roads and will take what goes with them, even washboards.”

Funding for the procedure, reaching epidemic proportions this summer, will be shifted to more appropriate arenas such as building scenic view overlooks and removal of road kill within thirty days of initial impact.

– Warren of Wexley

“I challenged you to a drool!”
– Kid Saliva to Aaron Slobber, Bloody Hill, 1884