All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
State Plans 60 New Scenic Views by Fall
(Denver) Strategists here have decided to grace the state with more than 60 new scenic viewing pull-offs on Highways 50, 550 and 135 it was disclosed this morning.
The new construction is expected to hold up traffic for seven months despite the fact that most of the work is being done off-road. Crews from as far away as Mack will begin preliminary dozing as early as June 15.
“We plan to include bathrooms in the more upscale views,” said one planner and recognized brains behind the effort. “When we’re done it oughta be damned panoramic around here!”
The scenic views are said to be repayment for all of the water stolen by Front Range communities since the 50s.
“It’s all very politically correct,” said Toole. “I love the smell of asphalt going down on a hot road. When we’re all done we’ll have scenic views looking on to other scenic views.”
– Uncle Pahgre
Reader Survey Results
(Continued from page 5)
and some 45% of them suggested we move the entire operation over to Utah.
On the subject of electoral projections a majority of respondents said that rather than scan the small print they’d just as soon wait until the movie came out.
Of the 145,000 responses 9500 were written on the back of butcher’s paper and 15,000 were scribbled over discarded grocery lists which leads our editorial board to surmise that our readers are eating well. When asked what paper they preferred to procure in normal a fish and chips exchange the Horseshoe Was a distant third to the Grit and the Sunday Denver Post.
A striking response has emerged from the pet category wherein over 90% of our respondents say they have a new puppy in the house. A paltry 8% had exotic birds and 6 were house painters who didn’t like animals. A conclusive number of those surveyed insisted that their IQs were far above average and that family trees stretched all the way back to the Mayflower (the moving company no doubt).
In the social circle a surprising 78% said they favored more photos of hangings and fewer pictures depicting senior citizen nudity than before.
Source: Big Wampum Flea Markets dba Testosterone Brothers Independent Consultants
LOCAL RANCHERS TO START HAY CROP INDOORS
(Gunnison) Due to shifting weather patterns ranchers here will start their hay crop indoors in 2018. The plan, the brainchild of a rural alfalfa cadre, suggests that the hay crop be planted in small pots and placed in sunny window spots in March.
Whether or not the use of trellises and synthetic fertilizer will be employed was not clarified. Although some ranchers have been hesitant to embrace the indoor growing concept most have agreed to give it a try.
“I’ve been stubborn about changing the way I grow hay,” said Gabby Crispe, who irrigates 2000 acres near Baldwin, “but this tomato plant approach to hay makes sense. Over the years I’ve seen drought and flooding and wind and unseasonable frost take their toll. If it ain’t wet weather when the hay’s on the ground it’s low water when we need more irrigation,” he added. “It’s nothing but a shooting gallery when we count on nature to do our bidding.”
Crispe went on to say that of late nature has been a little lax when it comes to helping the rancher.
After the initial steps of planting and nurturing the infant hay crop ranchers will then transplant the seedlings into the pasture and start the irrigation process just like before.
“Only this time the hay will be a month or two ahead of schedule allowing, with any luck, another cutting or two in the fall,” said an agricultural consultant from Weld County. “Over here we have to be very careful with regards to our image with the recent upheavals.”
The disruption, alluded to above, concerns recent squabbling over water rights, saddle sores and grazing on public lands. The conflict reached heated dimensions last month with the seizure of downtown Greeley by vegetarian paratroopers under Simone Tofu, the hero of Head Cheese Hollow. Although the vegetarians have agreed to negotiations, strategic highlands remain in their hands following a frontal assault my elements of the breakaway Downwind Boys, much feared olfactory ruffians from nearby Ault.
“What in the sam’s hell are you talking about?” asked Emma Vulcan, a longtime Gunnison Valley beekeeper and quasi-animal husbandry technician. “First, you talk about growing hay in little pots in the window then about military actions by armed vegetarians over on the prairie. I was just in Greeley last weekend and everything looks the same as it has since Horace was a boy. I used to believe what I read in this paper but now I’m leaning toward the Gunnison Country Times for my information,” she frowned.
According to sources at Cheyenne Mountain, which does not really exist and all, the town of Greeley was sacked on June 21 in a classic pincher movement by the Down Wind Boys.
“That was one of the finest martial maneuvers in Prehysteric America! Since Washington crossed the Delaware! Since the formation of the IRS!” said General Worthington Bulbous from his half-bath logistic proximity Colorado Springs bunker. “If I had ten men of that caliber I could retake the Panama Canal, maybe even Canada!”
Meanwhile clay pot shortages and further rumors as to the legalization of hemp growing in the region have fallen victim to fears of herd cleansing in the aftermath of alleged Greeley atrocities.
– Earl MacAdoo
Bunkers Beware!
Winners of the Double H Dessert Classic held at Moab Golf Club last week pose for a photo. Bill Hofhine and Kevin Haley enjoy a slight reprieve in the demands of athletic excellence. After 27 holes, continual dialogue and the 88 degree heat, the linksters were understandably fatigued and soon adjourned to the bar.
CONGRESS TERMINATES SALARIES
(Washington) The Senate yesterday passed legislation that effectively ends the practice of paying salaries to elected officials in Congress. The bill, approved by the House Thursday will go to the President’s desk where it is expected to be signed into law before the weekend.
“The only hang-up now could be White House fears that the new approach may affect salaries there,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA), “but we figure Don will go for it. He’s fat and illiterate in Chinese and doesn’t need Congress. Counting evil campaign contributions and keeping an eye on the family are fulltime gigs.”
Although the final stages of negotiations went well the beginnings were a bit shaky.
“At first the Senate was quite willing to ban salaries in the House and likewise that governing agency supported a cessation of pay for Senators,” explained Noise, heir to several dog food fortunes. “Then, after a tedious expose’ on one of those pinheaded network news programs, the public got wind of the goings on and the entire Congress had no other choice than to support the legislation.”
A retraining program, like so many conducted by the benevolent gov’ment, aimed at placing displaced people in functional positions, has already begun with just two politicians signing up for the gratis program. A large OSHA signs now hangs in the Senate where a painting of Thomas Jefferson was once on display.
A hastily hung OSHA information poster instructs former Congressional freeloaders to buck up and find a real job. Bi-lingual and a bit blue-collar in nature, the graphic is part of a post-gravy train program that hopes to retrain unskilled workers for a more productive future.
Noise admitted that the media had delivered the death blow and added that he hoped that journalists, especially TV news anchors, would follow suit and end the practice of taking home exorbitant salaries just for looking pretty on the screen.
Washington insiders insist that a sagebrush revolt is already in the works which may result with the abolishment of salaries for any and all elected officials and most appointed ones.
“We could see this wave wash away years of procedure at the state and local level too,” said one analyst. “Then we might even undress the cash cow issue of campaign finance reform.”
Already 80% of the Congress has quit claiming economic hardship.
“Ridiculous!” popped Noise. “These people are all millionaires! What would they be doing if they didn’t sit around in the House or Senate all day, play video games? Play tennis? Drink? I’m staying right here until I see how the lobbyists react to all this.”
The freed-up funds, formerly earmarked for Congressional pockets and exhumed from tax coffers, will now be spent on agricultural research and social rehabilitation programs with a healthy percentage going toward paying off the national debt.
“All this talk about a surplus is a lot of crap,” said Noise, “It’s just more party propaganda like the jaded pledges to fight the drug trade and stale blueprints for upgrading the schools.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Hug A Farmer Program Must Establish Clear Goals Says Developer
(Montrose) The much praised Hug A Farmer campaign, adopted here this spring, is under fire from a Telluride developer who feels the concept has lost its direction. Saying that farmers are enjoying all the hugs while ignoring their crops, Al Asphalt is calling for a moratorium on the program until County Commissioners can take another look at its current status.
“I’m putting in a strip mall south of Montrose and the last thing I need is a bunch of loved up farmers getting in the way,” said an angry Asphalt. “Why don’t they go away and plant some corn!”
Local country music standouts, The Pickle Sisters, are soundly behind the Hug A Farmer promotion which continues through harvest.
Asphalt has angered many in the agribusiness due to statements that Montrose does not need agriculture.
“We don’t grow anything up in Telluride and look at the big houses and all the cash that’s floating around town,” he quipped. “Now do you really think we could gather all that wealth by growing onions and potatoes?”
Asphalt subscribes to the Divine Right of Money, a theory which has taken American society down the path of love, happiness and financial security.
“Do you really think money grows on trees?” he asked.
Meanwhile local farmers, accustomed to receiving the affections of most local residents, have decided to disrupt Asphalt’s development by parking tractors in the way of heavy machinery and running cows up and down Highway 550 at peak traffic times.
“Enough development. Enough chains. Enough greed,” said Melvin Toole, who claims to have 400 acres in dynamite up Dry Creek Basin. “We have a downtown that is economically stressed and these charlatans keep building sterile buildings on what was once good pasture. Who’s gonna grow the food? Maybe the gov’ment can save us. We don’t know. Where are our elected officials when we need them?”
Toole went on to say that he and many other farmers enjoyed the hugs, and even a few kisses, but that they needed the local population to storm the offices of the powers that be and demand an end to the sprawl.
“Don’t these people pay any attention to their own damn lives, and the future of their kids?” he quacked, “or are they only interested in plastic consumerism.” –
– Uncle Pahgre