All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
No more newspaper!
After 40 years the newspaper version of the San Juan Horseshoe has been put to rest but the electronic version is here to stay. Read us on sanjuanhorseshoe.com
Trump body slams Pence, Ryan and Sessions on green
President Donald Trump body slammed two high ranking members of his administration and the Speaker of the House today after missing a four-foot putt. The gymnastic feats occurred on the 16th hole at his exclusive Truth Monger Country Club in Pokawanakipsie County, Florida.
The attacks came in perfect sequence, surprising a hoard of onlookers but not insiders, who say that pressures related to daily functions have finally reached a boiling point. Many feel the President simply overreacted to harmless taunts about his golf game.
“Paul Ryan laughed when he bladed a nine iron last month,” said Trump spokesperson Yuri Putin. “That’s why the President secretly hates him. He calls him the Irish Undertaker…Says he heard it on cable television.”
Mike Pence is not out of the woods either according to Putin. Only Wednesday the Vice-President angered his boss with an off-handed comment somehow comparing the Commander-in-Chief’s swing with “the movements of an antique waffle iron.”
While the other two stew, Jeff Sessions has apologized for joking about the variety of plastic plants that don the Oval Office. He’s alleged to have said that the President is (to paraphrase) way out in front when it comes to the plastic plant culture. In addition he prefers to walk 18 holes rather than succumb to the slothful golf cart journeys preferred by Trump.
This reportedly irritates the President.
– Susie Compost
Fish Alarmed by Cyclical Drought
Turncoat trout and Cock-eyed salmon have filed a lien on Colorado Department of Snow and Raindrops stipulating that docks and levees do not comply with drought specifications. The two species, along with longtime whipping boys, the rainbows, natives and browns, are demanding first water rights in the event of a drought.
Sources linked to water usage say the demands, disguised as a passing concern by some, are unfathomable and that the fish need to get a grip. They reminded voters that water storage costs money and the budget was stretched beyond belief.
“We can’t get a grip for them,” explained one DOW source. “They are far too slippery.”
Colorado fish pay no taxes and create a documented strain our social resources. Fiscal conservatives along with liberals suggest that the DOW divert funds from license sales to help the needy in rivers and streams. These pleas seem to have fallen on deaf ears.
Of corpse counseling is available but there are cultural and linguistic barriers to contend with and often the limbless, cold-blooded vertebrates bring a bad attitude to the sessions.
“They all think they are the Big Fish when in fact they are insignificant whiners, said one local angler who baits his own hook and makes hush puppies in his bathtub.
“These slimy bastards think they have a right to water just because they have dorsal fins,” said a CDSR spokesman who commented off the record. They have even threatened to sabotage our crumbling infrastructure. Maybe we should start jailing trouble makers and undesirables under the Zero Tolerance Act like they do over at the War on Drugs agency.”
Private prisons have expressed little interest in including fish or animals of any kind in their prison population. Issues such as security and violence in the exercise yard are blamed for that hesitancy, even though an increased inmate count could be quite lucrative. The lack of legs and arms appears to be the dilemma.
“Very few of these creatures smoke anything or drive drunk so we have no means of punishing them for unpatriotic meanderings,” said the spokesperson. “I wish that people would stay in their homes and fish would stay in the water. Our gov’ment is doing the best it can do and doesn’t need rebellious input,” he gasped. “If the fish don’t like it here in America maybe they should swim to Mexico or Canada.”
– Uncle Pahgre
CANE LICENSE DEADLINE LOOMS
(Montrose) People carrying canes here have until Thursday to procure licenses for same or face stiff fines. Whether a citizen is using the cane as a tool, a crutch, a walking stick or simply an accessory he must comply with the new regulation.
Critics of the law say it is just another step toward a national ID card. They say that although the card is presented as necessary security against illegal aliens and terrorists it is just another attempt by the control freaks to look up your dress/down your shorts.
“I’d prefer trainloads of illegal immigrants in my backyard rather than have an ID number stenciled on my forehead,” said Rocky Flats, a semi-retired atomic scientist and frequent cane user from Olathe. “I’m gonna use my cane and I’m not gonna buy no damn license. Them that gets in my way wanting to see credentials will get a close up look at my walking stick, you betcha.”
A free-lance gov’ment source defended the action.
“We don’t want to get involved in people’s personal lives, no sireee…We just want to defuse a potentially explosive scenario before it becomes a life threatening situation,” smiled Suzanne Compost of the Committee for Public Safety.
“What with all those baby boomers hitting senior status we expect to see more people using canes. In fact, we estimate that cane use will all but double by the year 2022.”
Compost went on to deny rumors that the feds will patrol older neighborhoods checking paperwork, even kicking canes out from under elderly people who choose to ignore the law.
“That’s ridiculous,” she quipped. “Some of those old farts carry mace, bite and have mean cats. Why would we jeopardize the safety of our people? We can just wait till these criminals take a nap on a park bench, lay their canes down at the local cafeteria or go to pick up their sociable security checks at the mailbox, then we simply the seize the illegal cane.”
The AARP, the ACLU, Reader’s Digest, the manufacturers of Viagra and several prune juice processing plants have promised to appeal the new legislation.
– Uncle Pahgre
Bloom’s Day Observances Set Around Globe
(Dublin) They’ll be wearing boater hats in Rio de Janeiro, sporting parasols in Seville, dressed in bloomers in Nairobi and draped in Edwardian stripe jackets in Paris. Some will be riding antique bicycles while others will be reading aloud passages from Ulysses on street corners.
On Bloom’s Day, June 16, James Joyce fans all over the world will, in their own whimsical ways, once again pay homage to Leopold Bloom, hero of Joyce’s story set on June 16, 1904 in Dublin.
The novel, called the greatest piece of fiction of the 20th Century, begins at 7 Eccles Street in Dublin town with Leopold Bloom, an advertising salesman, and his wife Molly frying up sheep kidneys for breakfast. It then follows Bloom as he negotiates the streets of the city 1113 years ago.
Participants from Zurich to London remember Bloom’s epic journey, a blueprint of Dublin at the turn of the last century, with a glass of Burgundy, mock turtle soup and a Gorgonzola sandwich for lunch (if in Dublin) at Davey Byrnes Pub on Duke Street (or perhaps Mulligan’s Pub over on Poolbeg). That’s where Leopold Bloom stopped to eat and later drink on that day.
Then the Dublin Bloom’s Dayers will most likely gather at the Ormand Hotel for another Guinness. That’s the place Bloom was tempted by the barmaids/sirens.
In Ulysses, Joyce’s love-hate relationship with Dublin, Bloom wanders the eccentric streets of one of Europe’s most fascinating cities. Today his groupies attempt to replicate his experience. If this kind of things sounds good to you connect to an Aer Lingus flight out of Denver. Slainte!