And I never cheat on my score card either….

Well what are we waiting for?

Thanks to Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine

Free Gas For Tourists Plan Unpopular

(Denver UPS) Colorado businessmen are skeptical of the Noise-Noise Gasoline Subsidy Amendment according to poll takers at the capital. The amendment sponsored by brothers Oral and Rectal Noise, both Colorado senators, calls for state aid to visiting tourists in the form of gasoline.

“If we can offer to pay the tourist’s way to the state,” commented Oral, we can assure ourselves of another record breaking tourist season.”

Advertising campaigns are planned to hit the June publications of National Geographic, National Enquirer and National Lampoon. “We’re looking for the national audience,” said Rectal. “Maybe we can get a network to pick up the story.”

The cost of the program would be “alarming” according to one member of the Colorado House.

“It’s just like so many other bills sponsored by the Noises. They keep pecking away at you with all their neurotic little hand movements and keep you in suspense waiting for the punch line that never comes.”

Most Colorado legislators and business groups are skeptical of the bill.

“Where does the honorable senator expect to get the funds for a program like this?” asked one visiting gasoline attendant specialist from Helena, Montana.

Noise was unavailable for comment but has hinted that the state could charge one dollar for a glass of water between June and October.

This looks like the second defeat in a row for the senator from Uranus, Colorado as his bill to award the highway road kill maintenance contract to various fast food concerns was soundly defeated in November. He is currently being investigated for alleged meetings with Russian officials over asphalt maintenance and chuckhole counseling in rural Colorado and Utah in 2016.

– Rudy Wanderlust 

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

“A Monkey’s Uncle”

Once again the adventures of your favorite jungle friends are sponsored by O’Hara’s Gourmet Foot Powder and Pink Eye Lotion for the livestock in all of us. “Buy a Gift Basket for the bovine who has captured your heart.” We join this month’s episode in progress.

The scene: A tree house in West Central Africa.

Tarzan: Cheetah like name. She say so.

Jane: But darling, you mistakenly named your pet after a spotted cat. What if Cheetah rejoins the other apes? What happens then? What about her future mate?

Tarzan: Cheetah good name for monkey.

Jane: Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if I like it.

Tarzan: Tarzan only uncle here. Jane not uncle.

Jane: Oh, sorry, dear, that’s just an expression.

Tarzan: Jane confuse Tarzan.

Jane: And that’s no chore. Getting back to Cheetah’s plight why can’t we just change her name to something like “Banzo” or “King Kong”?

Tarzan: Jane make joke?

Jane: No joke, Tarzan. What about Konga or Tanga or Carla?

Tarzan: Banzo played with Ronald Reagan. King Kong try to eat New York. Cheetah nice monkey.

Jane: Tarzan, dear, we need to address this situation before Cheetah matures. Remember all the problems we had with Boy in junior high school, in part because of the name you gave him.

Tarzan: Boy good name for boy.

Jane: But the other children made fun of him.

Tarzan: Tarzan think Jane worry too much. Tarzan go out and wrestle with lions, call elephants, throw spears, something important. Jane want to change Cheetah’s name…that OK but remember monkey has name on business cards and personalized stationery.

Jane: Maybe your right, dear, have fun with your animal friends but be careful.

THE END

Horseshoe pledge: No more silly slapstick

Late last night the San Juan Horseshoe promised it’s readers: No more cheap pie throwing slapstick. Much to our surprise our fans cried “Foul”….so we brought in a chicken. That did not seem to soothe them one bit. Nobody be happy these days…

Post Office Loitering Bill Goes to House

(Denver) A controversial recommendation that would limit the amount of time legally spent retrieving the daily mail has survived a preliminary hearing and will now go the House for consideration.

The proposed legislation which calls for time limits imposed in and around a federal facility has angered many residents in Colorado who say the bill is an infringement on their rights to peacefully assemble and socialize with friends and neighbors.

“They’ve already cut out what was warm camaraderie at the local pub,” said one frustrated boxholder. “Hey, nobody wants drunks on the road but let’s be reasonable. We all need a little relaxation at the end of the day and the legal alcohol levels are ridiculous. It’s looking like some more of the same with regards to limiting our post office visits. I like to hang out in front of my box and chat. Sometimes I spend all afternoon but that’s my business.”

Many across the state are echoing like sentiments saying that potential legislation, like the present seatbelt and DUI laws are only another means of controlling the population.

“They have nothing to do with protecting anyone,” said a postal sitter from Olathe.

“They’re just about money. The rulers of this country don’t like people talking either. They see it as inciting rebellion or some such nonsense when in actuality most people are only talking about the weather or the price of gasoline. Whether its over a beer or over a book of stamps they see these kinds of exchanges as a threat to their power base.”

Although the legal time allotted for mail pickup had not been established when the bill was introduced on the floor it is thought to be in the neighborhood of not less than fifteen minutes.

Despite extensive lobbying on the part of such organizations as AARP and the ACLU exemptions for retired persons or the nation’s unemployed have yet to be discussed. Neither have the needs of the handicapped been considered.

“That fifteen minutes should be enough to throw away junk mail, sift through bills, stand in line for stamps, read the wanted posters and fill out any other forms necessary for general correspondence,” said one postal official. “Any more time invested in this simple procedure is wasteful and unproductive.”

It was not clear how this proposed ruling might effect mail delivery as most Americans do not currently congregate around extension facilities such as mail trucks or rural boxes. At present federal loitering laws take precedence over state and local ordinances undressing the same behavior patterns.

– Small Mouth Bess