All Entries Tagged With: "Western satire"
BLACK HOLE PHOTOS INADVERTENTLY DELETED
The first photos of the infamous Black Hole have accidentally been deleted according to sources at MIT. Monster gravity in and around the sunken star reportedly grabbed the data and ate it up like a midnight snack, effectively deleting the pictures.
A post-doctoral fellow at Harvard University, Dr Katie Bouman, developed the algorithm which captured the image of the infamous Black Hole just last week but already the data has been sucked into the gravitational sinkhole when no one was looking.
According to astronomers here the image was “deleted” but not by operator error or human mishandling. Rather it was a victim of the massive pull of mega-gravity.
“Of course the images were sucked into the Black Hole,” said another scientist who has worked on the project for over ten years. “By very definition it had to have been this way. Isn’t this the nature of the beast?”
Researchers contend that the limited exposure to the photo data, while gone for good, may allow them to further expand their understanding of gravity.
Meanwhile “earth is flat evangelists” from Starkville to Sacramento say the Black Hole revelation is nothing short of a peek into the gates of hell (upstairs version), while Democrats insist that the image bears a peculiar likeness to Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. (Photos to be released with full Mueller Report).
The senator from Kentucky (McConnell) had no comment and was reportedly waiting for a tweet from President Trump before making any comment related to the disclosure.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“If you want to know the trees you must go into the forest.” – Barbara Birch
Putin Jokes Flourish on Heels of Ukraine Election
(Moscow) Putin jokes continue to deluge the Russian capital following the election of former comedian, Volodymyr Zelensky to the presidency of Ukraine. With his popularity dropping, Russian strongman Vladimir Putin has become the laughing stock of many within a fed up populace.
Whether or not the two distinct phenomena are related is anyone’s guess. The two countries have been in a state of war ever since pro-Russian elements began military action in Ukraine and Russia occupied the Crimea.
Zelensky, a Jewish comedian, won the recent election in a landslide showing popularity with all Ukrainians including Russian speakers in the east of the nation. Whether this reflects a decrease in anti-semitism and fascism in the European nation has yet to be determined.
What is particularly amusing is that he played the role of Ukrainian President on television.
“On the surface it’s like Donald Trump winning the election in the US after his appearances on reality TV,” said one Kiev journalist, who left the comparison there. “But the oligarchs here are defecating 5 kopiyoks (Ukrainian nickels) at the thought of Zelensky taking the helm while the fat cats in the US flagrantly support Trump.”
The Putin jokes, a genre most of us do not associate with The Kremlin, are popping up everywhere overnight, like the cork in a bottle of vintage vodka. Many refer to the shape of his head while others speak of his gangster tactics and laugh at him for his ham-fisted bullying of opponents.
Sputnik News Service was quick to blame liberals in the West while some for Soviet potatoheads blame CIA. Here are a few of the better jokes:
1. If a bus with Vladimir Putin fell 800 feet from a cliff would anyone survive? Who cares?
2. If you go fishing with Putin how do you keep him from drinking all the vodka? Bring along Czar Nicholas, Vladimir Rasputin and Catherine the Great.
3. How many political prisoners does it change a Light bulb? Thousands, even though there may not be electricity today.
4. Trump and Putin walk into this bar. Trump asks Putin what to order. Putin says, “Just do what I do.”
As funny as these jokes have been in recent weeks the crime of telling one is an invitation to be poisoned or meet thugs in an alley.
How many ex-KGB thugs does it take to sabotage the chance of freedom in Ukraine? We will have to wait and see.
Just what do Congressmen do all day
A portfolio campaign wheel spinning for tax dollars.
7:00 am Consult polls
7:30 am A quick nine holes with someone who thinks he/she matters.
10:30 Breakfast meeting with limo mechanic
11:15 Consult polls and campaign contributions
11:45 Wash up for lunch
12:00 Nice lunch compliments of lobbyist
1 pm Ride around in limo
2 pm Develop position on extreme weather origin policy, poverty, the loss of infrastructure, domestic terrorism, the minimum wage, and immigration sham.
2:05 Snacks and nap
3:30 pm Meet with campaign donors
4:00 pm Spa, Sauna and Massage (Reflect on growing bank account)
5:00 Cocktails in Georgetown or Foggy Bottom
7:30 pm Open envelopes and presents from lobbyists and well-wishers
8:30 pm Dinner with lobbyist
10 pm Nightcap with campaign advisors
11 pm Bed
“Repay laughter with laughter and betrayal with treachery.” – Finn McCool
Don’t Trust Anyone Under 90
(Pitkin) Melvin O’Toole moved here in 1896 from County Sligo, in the Republic of Ireland and has never left. He’s seen the changes and gone with the times. Up until 1966, he was still trading with Blue Mesa Utes and making his own sagebrush whiskey.
Since that trans-Atlantic journey he has never been as far away as Gunnison.
“In 112 years I have never seen the reason to go anywhere,” said O’Toole from his front porch hammock. “I don’t need anything.”
The last time the spry centenarian saw downtown Ohio City was back in the spring of 1896 on his initial (and only) trek up the valley to his present domicile. He doesn’t remember much about Parlin but recalls crossing the plains by train and getting knee-walking with Lebanese sheep shearers in White Pine.
“It’s hard to believe that during all those years the man never ventured into Gunnison,” said Dr Richard “Trinidad” Rimhorne, a history fellow at Tomichi Junior College. “I think he be a charlatan…a liar!
Another resident of Pitkin, Mary “Sorry” Moss, 99, says she doesn’t remember an O’Toole family but that there was a lumberjack staying up at the Tilford Aviary up until 1945.
“That could have been him but I can’t say for sure.”
Moss told the Horseshoe that she had been to Gunnison 7 times since 1907, sometimes for supplies and sometimes “just for fun”.
“I’ll keep an eye out for him around town now that I know you’re looking for him,” she chirped.
A host of Gunnison merchants have offered incentives and prizes if O’Toole will only set foot within the city limits for an afternoon. Apparently some feel that the Pitkin man’s saga could generate negative publicity as to the desirability of Gunnison as a destination.
“There’s nothing the matter with Gunnison,” chimed Moss. “I like it far better than Vulcan.”
When asked if he would take the loot, O’Toole suggested that his benefactors might deliver.
“I’ll have to think about this one,” he frowned. “How long do I have to answer?”
O’Toole’s premier CD, “I’m Leavin’ Town” is due out in June.
– Suzie Compost
To Commemorate the Easter Rising, 1916
Peace in Ireland. No hard border!
