All Entries Tagged With: "Western satire"
RUSSIAN CREDITORS FORECLOSE ON AIR FORCE ONE
Russian loan sharks have seized an Air Force One airplane apparently used a collateral for a loan by President Donald Trump.
Snatching the plane, one of two highly customized Boeing 747-200B series aircraft, creditors in the service of unidentified Russian oligarchs say it is safe in an undisclosed location.
Trump appears to have made the deal on the evening of January 20 in January 2017, just hours after being inaugurated.
White House sources called the development “dubious at best”, continuing to separate themselves from the president, both physically and politically.
In addition to the aeronautical confiscation, agents from Turkey, maintaining that Trump has defaulted on further loans, have taken most of the patio furniture and a number of potted plants from the Rose Garden.
“We gave him a rebate and 36 months interest-free,” said one banker in Istanbul. “Sure he was high-risk but he’s got a line of crap that stretches from the Urals to the Pyrenees. With all the bankruptcies we should have known better.”
In other news: The long-awaited Kool-Aid Antidote is still months away say reality show doctors at the White House, who denied reports that Democrats would need a high capacity crawler crane to forcibly remove the “larger than life ex-President from the Pennsylvania Avenue property in January.
For more on this please see “Morals and Extraditions”
– Red Herring
Regional Update
Rastas, Mormons still long way from agreement
(Telluride) Meetings between Rastafarians and Mormons have yielded little or nothing toward the settlement of stark differences as of this morning. The summit, sponsored by ecumenical relief organizations, was arranged so as to create a climate of understanding within the diverse groups. Unreliable sources here say the two religions are still miles apart with final sessions scheduled over the weekend.
Endless Gas
(Ridgway) Local man, Melvin Toole has reportedly invented an automobile that never runs out of gas. “It’s fool-injected,” said Toole. “Fool-injected. With a capital F and that stands for fool and that rhymes with Toole.” The car will run forever on one tank of gas according to the inventor who adds that he is not concerned as to the countless death threats received from major oil companies. The car, available this week in red, metallic teal and off-white, promises to revolutionize the industry. “Fool-injection will be seen as a major breakthrough by everyone, especially with the price of gasoline,” he said,
Paper Drops Info-Nympho Chat
(Manana) Citing perverse sexual innuendo at every turn, editors at the San Juan Horseshoe have discontinued the popular Info-Nympho column, effective today. Saying that the lustful offering is not appropriate for a its’ marginally attentive readership, the paper will no longer feature it on its editorial page.
Penned by an unidentified writer, Info-Nympho followed an often tedious question and answer format that always skirted the subject and went directly to recounting the author’s sexual depravations, real or imagined. One example saw a reader write in asking about paint thinner only to be treated to a sordid account of the author’s visit to a swinger’s nightclub in Colona. Another went like this:
Dear Info Nympho: My family and I are confused about daylight savings time. Does one turn the clock up or back? Little Hand
Dear Little Hand. It’s simple: Spring forward, fall back. It’s a lot like my first time doing it on the beach. We looked up and there was nobody around so we figured we were alone. His hot breath gripped me and before I knew it clothes were everywhere. His welcome advances commenced and before I knew it we were in deep embrace. If only a crowd had not gathered we might still be there today. — Info Nympho.
The column will be replaced by a bass fishing pictorial.
Anesthesiologists Anonymous Dissolves
(Montrose) Anesthesiologists Anonymous today disbanded after 30 years attempting to rehabilitate at risk medical personnel. In the final meeting former members unanimously pledged to do all they could for their brotherhood and while taking ten steps toward remaining total strangers. A pot luck dinner has been scheduled at an undisclosed spot. Parties interested in attending the finale are encouraged to bring a covered fish.
Monday Only Commerce Bill passes in Hinsdale County
(Lake City) Calling it an end to puritan culture once and for all, town and county officials today threw full support behind a proposed ordinance banning work in any form six days a week. Residents and visitors alike would face stiff penalties for commerce any day but Monday.
“It’s just a matter of complacency,” said one elected leader who then quoted a pointed Garifuna saying common to Caribbean Nicaragua: “Monday- work day, Tuesday – choose day, Wednesday – lose day, Thursday – muse day, Friday feast day, Saturday pay day, Sunday rest day.”
The motion is expected to pass easily at next Monday’s semi-annual meeting.
Sage aftershave draws lusty ghost
(Crested Butte) A confirmed bachelor here says that ever since he began applying a local sage aftershave lotion he has found true romance. According to Tommy Middlefinger, a longtime house wrecker, he is visited every night in his boudoir by a sensual, yet rambunctious ghost set on extended love making. And he’s not complaining.
“The ratio of men to women here has always created a problem for the men and a paradise for the women,” he choked. “I just started using the aftershave to get rid of the gout. She (the ghostess) may be a little transparent but I assure you she’s still a fox even after decades in the grave.”
112-year old Cuban maestro denied entry into US
(Norwood) An elderly Cuban musician has been barred entry into the United States due to national security considerations it was reported today. The popular marimba great who has appeared on the popular Buena Vista Social Club CDs was turned away in Miami after showing his passport and playing the prescribed games attributed to Homeland Security Agency and the INS.
He was slated to play at Red’s Gravy Heaven on Grand Avenue October 20.
“I’ll just wait them out, said centenarian-plus Alfredo “The Marimba Machete” Garcia. “Sooner or later Raul will pass and maybe the U.S. will elect someone who likes Cuban music.”
People with whiny voices less likely to succeed says study
(Gunnison) A combined study conducted by Western State Colorado University and Rocky Mountain Marmot and Wildflower Laboratory has determined that people with whiny voices are doomed to failure. The findings strongly suggest that although some whiners may do well in their early attempts they will, in the end, wind up in the gutter.
“Who wants some whiny know-it-all running around with success pinned to his coat,” asked one coordinator of a survey started last March. “We’ve talked to almost everyone in Gunnison County, including Marble and Vulcan, and nobody wants to see them excel.”
The study clearly states that fellow humans often dictate who is successful and that whiners rarely get the nod.
– compiled in part by Olivia Tinkleholland
Sujeto de tablas tambaleantes desvestidas por el Consejo
(Wimpton) El ayuntamiento local ha votado 33-1 para prohibir la importación de más mesas tambaleantes a la región. La acción se tomó después de que se recibieran cientos de quejas de los consumidores aquí.
“No podemos resolver todos los problemas en el expediente”, dijo un miembro del consejo, “pero por suerte tendremos estabilidad donde tomamos nuestras comidas. No hay nada peor que un bamboleo cuando uno está tratando de beber un vaso lleno martini o consumir salsa de frijoles en los blancos de verano “.
Varios miembros que pagaron no comentaron sobre planes adicionales para mesas tambaleantes que ya están en la región o la presencia de sillas tambaleantes a lo largo de la frontera.
En la actualidad, una ordenanza local requiere el atornillado de todos los muebles de plástico y perros en general antes del Día de las Elecciones.
En los viejos negocios: el tema del olor del tanque séptico se pospuso hasta que los decoradores decidieron sobre un nuevo fondo de pantalla y un estacionamiento para discapacitados ampliado adyacente a las cámaras del consejo.
– Herradura de Cachemira
Protect Us From Martians
Proof the Wall is working! The Department of Concocted Security reports no new intrusions by Martians in October thanks to border closures and mindless militias. Other earth-bound aliens seem to be arriving daily, desperately punching holes in the flimsy immigration policies.
“Peculiar imbecilities and theologic bilge.”
“Tennessee anti-evolution law, whatever its wisdom, was at least Constitutional – the the yahoos of the state had a clear right to have their progeny taught whatever they chose and kept secure from whatever knowledge violated their superstitions.”
– H.L.Mencken covering the Scopes Monkey Trial for The Baltimore Evening Sun, 1925
Sounds a bit like some of our brethren haven’t progressed at all in the past 100 years?
Campaign Workers Should Plead Insanity
Yet Another Whining Editorial
(Chicago) Campaign workers, still convinced that their chosen candidate represents the panacea, the solution, should plead insanity when confronted with recent childish behavior during the elections.
Comparing typical responses of enthusiasm to canned laughter, critics of the process say opiated followers only encourage politicians to ignore the real issues and allow these charade masters to misrepresent the truth.
“These glazed over straw hat provincials are the core of what’s wrong with our electoral process,” said one political analyst who has already projected a winner in the 2024 and 2028 Presidential races.
To many delegates and party-liners the whole process is just a big party. The association with a given candidate gives the volunteer worker a does of validity in an otherwise often stumblebum existence. They ride the coat-tails of their chosen one to victory, claiming that they had a small part. Their responses are inappropriate, their souls tainted by the two-party system. Most couldn’t pass a high school civics test.
They cheer enthusiastically when their candidate spouts more tired rhetoric or passes wind. It’s all the same to them. The politician promises to help the farmers…They cheer madly. He/she pledges relief for the working poor…The house comes down. The candidate paints a picture of himself as the messiah…They are brought to the edge of righteousness, tears in their blind eyes.
– Hashad Haddock
