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Utopia Mart Opening Saturday

(Montrose) A retail outlet promising eternal bliss is slated to open its doors this weekend. Offering consumers everything from dill pickles to breathing machines Utopia Mart expects to control a chunk of the consumer tide in just about a month.

“They even have people that will chew your food for you,” said one credit card enthusiast who has been camped out in the parking lot since June.

“Everything you could ever need to live a full life,” said another unhinged consumer, “and the pharmacy is nothing short of shoplifting…I mean uplifting.”  

“There was never a good war or a bad revolution.” 

– Edward Abbey