All Entries Tagged With: "turnip cart accidents"

Turnip Cart Mishaps Down Significantly

Turnip cart accidents in Southwestern Colorado are way down in 2021 although related agricultural incidents continue to plague safety inspectors in most red states. The Left Coast and the Canadian badlands have all but eradicated the calamities due to heavy rains and erosion that have made root vegetable cart use impractical, even socially undesirable.

This news arrives on the heels of a startling announcement that Sicilian scientists have successfully extracted blood out of turnips and even some cooperative rutabagas. 

“This is welcome news to many of the members of the mustard family,” according to one scientist who has engaged in what many call “mindless research” for almost 50 years. Exhibiting muted frustration over what he referred to as knuckle draggers blocking progress, he sweetened his criticism, saying only that “Presently academia is not prepared to delve into parsnips or kohlrabi but that day is coming.”  

“This is a marvelous breakthrough that could save millions of turnips from the killing floor.” he said. “It makes me giddy even to think about the breakthrough.”

The earth-shaking development comes just as the US appeared poised to embrace the Onion Standard in 2023. Shallots and red onions are safe investments for now but garlic and leeks are not inherently valuable according to the often-reliable North American Garden and Loan Coalition. 

Venture capitalists and financiers are refined that after 2024 it will be illegal to cultivate onions without the approval of the US Treasury.

– Barb Wyre

“May you live as long as you want to, and then pass smilingly into the darkness.” 

– Ambrose Bierce