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Trump’s Head Too Big for Rushmore
(Keystone) Donald the Orange may have gone too far this time. His often-repeated insistence that he be included with Washington, Jefferson Lincoln and (Teddy) Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore was abruptly halted today when sculptors here concluded that his head would not fit on the Black Hills memorial.
“The shrine would simply be too top heavy,” said one sculptor, “with the inclusion of Trump. We’d never get the face right or the hair and narcissists don’t like that.”
The stone mason’s union agreed, adding that continual and expensive cosmetic updates would threaten the structure.
“The whole shooting’ match wouldn’t last three months, even if the president approved the first viewing, a highly unlikely scenario given what we have seen so far.”
Keystone, South Dakota, the closest town to Mount Rushmore has threatened a series of rock slides, sand storms and induced geothermal explosions if Trump employs the executive power act to put his noggin up there.
Although the exact measurements of the head in question are not known it is surmised that the cranial cavity and prefrontal cortex in particular are quite oversize. Readers are reminded that this enlarged superego does not dictate a functional, working mind.
“A clear mandate* dictates that our cult be etched in stone,” said Sally Magma, a solid supporter of isolationist theories of the 18th Century.
Trump has already told aides he plans to build an hotel and gold course at the base of the memorial.
Mount Rushmore, in Black Hills of South Dakota is listed by more than 35,000 people per day. That’s 9 times the people who attended Trumps million-dollar military birthday parade back in June.
The sitting president of South Dakota mines and Technology in Rapid City told reporters that Trump might be better off building sand castles in Florida than “flashing his Elvis-like smirk up here so close to Canada”.
Later the state’s leading construction company, headquartered in Deadwood, withdrew from the bidding process when it discovered that Trump had stiffed them (and over 50 sub-contractors) on a now defunct hotel-casino resort erected Atlantic City, New Jersey in 2013.
Cult masters are playing down what amounts to a great rejection while loyalists in the GOP are, quite predictably, offering up their heads to cover their asses.
“Isn’t this like auctioning off the United States Constitution for fire starter or selling the Liberty Bell for scrap,”lamented the disengaged Deadwood CEO.
North Dakota and Iowa have responded to the unparalleled actions by offering to exhibit Trump’s head “somewhere in their state…in a venue of honor.”
-Ben Black Elk
Next time: Are most American flags
really still manufactured in China?
